Not well

[minniemitch]

I am not coping. I have ruined my husband's job. I think I need help but I don't know what kind. My mind felt so sick last night. Dd was vomiting with a cough - she had bronchiolitis a month ago and went unconscious for half an hour. I though she was going to die. I'm scared it will happen again as she vomited in the same way just before she got really ill. I don't think I've done very well since she's been born - 5 months of colic, problems with family and relationship with husband. At times I've felt bad but not this bad. Dh fears he may lose his job. I need him near me too mcubh as i am pathetic. I ruin everything. I am a bad person - i am worried i cant give her the care she needs.

Hang on, 5 months of colic does not not doing well. Colic can't be helped, be blamed on anyone, it's just sh*tty that it happens.

Right...there's an awful lot of info there, so go through one thing at a time, in the order you want to go through, and take a deep breath too!

You are not a bad person, you don't ruin everything, although I understand those feelings.

Just wanted to offer {hugs}

You're not pathetic. You've got through colic! You've got through your daughter's illness! You're stronger than you think. I know you don't feel it, but you are. Needing your dh around is completely normal and understandable. Relationship with dh is always hard when you feel like the world is on top of you. Whenever I feel down I pick on every little thing my dh does or has ever done wrong!

You don't ruin everything!
Have you been to a doctor? It sounds like you've had a really hard time of it (through no fault of your own) and you need some support. x

I have been to a doctor a few times recently. They are keen for me to go on ADs - I was on them for six years until a few months before I got pregnant - I seemed to be really well and OK. I was determined not to become depressed again after my daughter was born. This is such a failure on my part - I though I could do it. Most days I do do it - I manage OK but dip down now and again, usually triggered by family troubles. I started a post earlier in the week about this - perhaps I should have continued post on that thread - not sure of the rules or if there are any.

Hi minnie,
sorry to hear your feeling down.
Wanted to offer ((((hugs)))

Will post later on to chat to you, gotta go & do lots of errands.

You are not a failure by the way

Why is it you feel you have ruined DH's job?

Hope poor DD is feelin better

if you are not well..take the ADs again

i had periods of time where i thought i'd be ok..came off them adn would slip baclk..and feel like a failure

if you had a chest infection and the antibiotics ddn;t work and you needed more.you'd take them again..why not take the ADs again if you are still not quite better ...ifyswim xxx

I agree with lulu, sometimes coming off AD's too quickly can do it too. I had to wean myself off AD's over an 8wk period. I have never looked back actually, but continue to take St Johns wort instead.

Will still post later on, If I can drag myself off here now & get my arse in gear.

agree completely with Trefusis. It is not a failing to go back onto ADs. You are a caring an d vigilant mother who is putting way to much pressure on herself. Just having a small baby is enough to trigger depression, let alone having a baby with colic and bronchiolitis. You're doing much better than you think you are: Being down often makes us all feel incapable while the outside world can only see the wonderful job we're doing.

Hello, thankyou so much for such kind replies. I am feeling a little better this evening. DD is OK - she just has a nasty cold and cough that made her sick but I sometimes find illness difficult to handle (since childhood really). The bronchiolitis didn't actually last that long but it was not being able to rouse her or get a response and having to rush to hospital that has made me a bit paranoid. The rapid breathing and caving in of her chest was scary too.

DH works from home in a shed in the garden about 3 days a week. Since dd was born I have sometimes had to ring him and call him down (especially during the colic if she was really screaming and wouldn't stop). A couple of days a week he commutes to his company offics (2.5hr journey) so it's a long day for both of us. I have sometimes dreaded these commuting days - they can be 14 hours long. I try to get out and about to help pass the time - go to a baby signing class etc but I rarely sleep much the night before a commuting day. I always manage OK - it's the anticipation and anxiety about being alone that I find hard. So pathetic I know.

It does feel as though there's been quite alot of tricky stuff since she's been born - the colic was severe apparently - I'd actually go slightly deaf from the screaming, it was so loud and continuous (like ringing in the ears after being to a club). She screamed like that for many hours a day for 3 months and then screamed at the breast only for another two months. WOuldn't take a bottle, low weight gain etc etc.

The family stuff is ongoing - mum was depressed through most of my childhood - she's emotionally unavailable although she tries really hard at times. I have been diagnosed with a form of attachment disorder but had worked hard on unravelling and understanding things (five years' therapy) before I got pregnant as preparation. When dd was ill my family ran for the hills. This is EXPECTED and can be explained from their own backgrounds etc, but it still hurts like a b*stard.

Kinkerfuffle, I'm terrible to my dh when I'm anxious or down. I know it's really bad behaviour and I try so hard not to do it (I'm better than I used to be) but sometimes the fear and anxiety overwhelms me and I take it out on him. I am such a nasty cow. We had a few weeks when things were really tough and we talked about splitting up (a couple of months ago). I would be overanxious as usual about all kinds of things and he would try to tell me that it was OK and that whatever the concern it wasn't really an issue but this would make me angry as though he wasn't taking me seriously. He was just trying to be kind and positive.

Jesus what an effed up baggage.

Sorry have just realised I name-changed halfway through this thread! I am kinkerfuffle. It just took too long to type.

I too am horrible to my husband when down. I take it all out on him and he's so good to me, he just seems to take it. He knows I'm really bothered about other things and just use him as a punch bag but that doesn't make it ok! I feel awful for it, but he understands, just as I'm sure your dh understands too.

You're not effed up! You sound like everything has just suddenly gotten on top of you and is getting you down. It's never easy, and as the nights draw in it just seems to get harder. I know what it's like to have an absent husband too! DH used to work away quite a lot and I'd find the long days just with the kids hard work.

Talk to DH, reassure yourself that you're doing just fine (cos you are).

It doesn't matter if it is expected for your family to run to the hills, it still bloody hurts if they do! You could've done with support and you didn't get it. The fact that you don't blame them and you understand why means that you are a GOOD person!

Your DH sounds as though he really loves you. Look out for each other. Try to do something nice for him when you're feeling calm, and apologise for being a cow. Let him know that his patience has been noticed and appreciated. You'll be ok.

Let me know how you are. Sorry it took so long to reply to you.

Thanks Zimum - don't worry about not replying till now. I am beginning to realise that since the colic hit (but has now been gone six months) I do get anxious when dh goes. SOmetimes it doesn't feel too bad at all. At the moment it feels very scary when he's away from the house. I do think I have some level of PND at the moment. This is very hard to admit - I see it as a failure. Not sure how severe it is but I do wonder whether there's an element of SAD in it. I feel I have let us all down and am threatening things as we know them as dh said his job is suffering because I call on him so much. On Friday I felt so down I wanted him so much not to commute but he had a deadline and had to go. I really struggled on Friday. The morning was awful but I managed to get in the car and go to the shops in the afternoon after I'd spoken to HV. When I got there I bottled out and came home. Almost everything I do seems wrong to me at the moment. I know I've done an OK job so far but my failures flood into my head in such a rush. I try to be bit CBT about it when I can - try to think that I've taught dd to sign, given her home cooked food, got back to work a couple of days a week, etc etc but the bad stuff overwhelms it all and the good stuff is obliterated. I am weak and clingy and needy and can't cope sometimes without dh. There's not much that's good about me at the moment.

That's exactly how I felt when I got PND. It's also possible that it could be SAD too. Have you considered getting a light box? Apparently they help with normal depression as well as SAD. Don't feel it's a failure to admit it. You're coping with everything on top of suffering yourself, that means your doing a hell of a lot better than many!

It is hard not to depend too much on DH. I know it's hard, I got really clingy and DH ended up getting a warning from work for taking too much time off. It's hard, but when you start relying on yourself you realise you can do it.

Do you get out much? I always ended up staying in too much and that just made it all worse. Try to go for a walk every day. I know it's an effort to pack up the kids and get out, but it really helps like nothing else - even only five minutes! Good luck, hope it all improves x

That's exactly how I felt when I got PND. It's also possible that it could be SAD too. Have you considered getting a light box? Apparently they help with normal depression as well as SAD. Don't feel it's a failure to admit it. You're coping with everything on top of suffering yourself, that means your doing a hell of a lot better than many!

It is hard not to depend too much on DH. I know it's hard, I got really clingy and DH ended up getting a warning from work for taking too much time off. It's hard, but when you start relying on yourself you realise you can do it.

Do you get out much? I always ended up staying in too much and that just made it all worse. Try to go for a walk every day. I know it's an effort to pack up the kids and get out, but it really helps like nothing else - even only five minutes! Good luck, hope it all improves x

I stay in far too much. It does seem really daunting to get out of the door. I manage to meet up with a group on a Friday and signing class on a Thursday but that's usually about it apart from work. I know it's good for dd and myself to get out but she's been so poorly recently. I've also had such bad insomnia that when I got home from work I'd put dd down and I'd go to sleep myself. Then a bit of play and tea and I'd realise another day had gone without taking her anywhere. She has such a cough at the moment that she's sick alot with it - tough to face while out and about. I know I need to be stronger and more robust. I also know I don't do much just for myself. It's hard to get out of this frame of mind though - it's dipping lower and lower.

You're not a failure; you are ill. Depression is an illness, just like any other, and can be treated just like any other illness. If you had broken your leg you wouldn't be a failure; you'd have it treated and not bat an eyelid. Same if you had flu - you wouldn't be a failure; you'd have an illness and you would have it treated. This is just a different part of your body that's ill, and there's no shame and no failure in accepting that and getting help for it.

Depression isn't something you can control by yourself, any more than you can control diabetes or epilepsy without medication.

You mentioned CBT - have you ever had any? The techniques can be really useful, but it's difficult to do it yourself. It might be worth you asking for some CBT. But don't dismiss the ads out of hand. They helped you for six years before, and they could help you again now.

Wigwambam is right. If nothing else is working and you just can't seem to be able to drag yourself out of feeling low then you need to get to a doctor. Even if it's just to talk through options.

Please go and see someone. You really are doing immensely well, but it's time to admit that you need more help than just your husband can give you. x

This morning I feel OKish but no appetite whatsoever - not even for shortbread. HV is visiting every day at the moment. I know this is at least partly reactive to Dd's recent illness that was so scary and family fallouts that are ongoing. I am trying really hard to do CBT-style thinking (never done CBT but know a fair bit about it). This morning managed to get out of bed while dh gave dd breakfast and wash hair. Have curly fright wig so this is a feat for me. COngratulated myself. Have also kept up with washing - much increased as dd's cough makes her sick so much. House is relatively tidy, am managing OK in work. Just have this yawning gaping hole inside where care from family should be. This makes my mood tumble into a hole, along with death fears for dd (overdramatic I know but she went unconscious for half an hour during bronchiolitis last month). I should be able to let it go - they wont be there for me, they just wont. Dd will not die, she is just throwing up because of a non-bronchilitis nasty cough. I need to stop thinking like this, it's pathetic.

IT's not pathetic, it's normal. Sounds like you've had a much more productive morning than me! You need support and you're not getting it. I think it's best to not dwell on what you don't have, but on what you do have! You have a lovely caring husband and a beautiful baby. Your fears for your baby's safety are understandable. Every mother who has to go through their baby being very unwell will feel over-anxious.
Is your health visitor someone you could talk to about your concerns? She's supposed to be there for you as well. If you trust her to offer genuine help and support then I would tell her how you are feeling, if not, go to the doctor. You are not pathetic! You are unwell!
Sounds like you've had a good start to the day though. Well done you! x