anyone awake who feels like listening?

[keepingmum121]

I am feeling so crap about things

Wow wishing I hadn't, but got cheapo Sainsbos cava

In patient, psych ward went voluntary but it's not worked.

Is it gross? Is it at least cold? That is all that matters right now, surely?

Aw, what were you there for? Sorry, I've not been on threads in this section for a while...

Bipolar I, psychotic but they talk shit. I'm not psychotic, I just need to sleep

What's driving you mad at the mo? Sorry if that's a rude question.

not a rude question. so sorry you're bipolar. I have no idea what that is like.

I am being driven mad by my dds. They're now in the bathroom trying to cool down. I just had to remove a spider from the bath.

Hi both.

I'm awake and also a little tipsy. On my second week of AD's but used the heat as an excuse to have a few glasses. DH currently snoring away on the sofa and DD sleeping peacefully, long may it continue!

If you want to chat I'll be up for the forseeable. Work will be a nightmare this month and have SIL's engagement party at the weekend which is stressing me out so I won't sleep!

Right, spider gets killed (sorry spider). It's hot so bath at 35 degrees and sleep in vest and knickers or nappies/pullups.

Then ipad if you've got one. DCTC eggs work for mine.

hello beetlebum :)

Hi keeping I see you're in East Midlands, me too!

Anything you want to offload? What is your current situation? X

I put the spider out the window. Can't bring myself to kill it. I am on laptop and I won't tell you what I'm wearing but I'll just say that I wore it on my birthday (though it was in better condition then)....

I am actualy not feeling too bad this evening (for once) beetlebum. Mostly when I'm upset it is because of all the abuse over the years that I can't recover from. It defines and shapes me.

The latest was last November, and I reported him to the police but they have decided on NFA which is killing me.

I'm knocking myself out with valium, but will be up again at 4am. If you need to talk just post.

Well done on spider, you are kinder than me

Try the cool bath, it works for mine

It's good to hear that you aren't feeling too bad, but horrible to hear that you have had that level of abuse and that the police aren't doing anything (I'm guessing NFA means no further action?) that is disgusting.

I won't pretend to understand or have been through what you have been but just know you are not the reason this keeps happening. You sound like a lovely person and someone I would like to have a few drinks with! Please don't ever feel like this is your fault. X

Well, they did investigate and they do believe me. However, there are difficulties with the case that cause them to believe we'd lose in court. So, we now just wait for the next victim.

That's awful. I really hope there is some way the bastard can get brought to justice for what he has done to you.

How are the DD's? How old are they? X

So, in a nutshell:

I was stalked and assaulted on 14th March 1997 when I was 20. This was in Portugal and he was from Cape Verde. We were studying at the same Uni. I barely knew him.

Managed to leave in June 1997 (but not before getting myself into a weird sort of 'relationship' with him. i couldn't - and can't - forget him or stop caring about him in a stupid warped way because he stole my virginity so abruptly with no warning)

Met my h in November 1997. He was increasingly controlling, abusive, violent, threatened my life etc. etc. My dds (his) are 12 and 14. I left early March 2003. He is mostly out of our lives but every so often (normally in the summer hols) rears his ugly head. I'm terrified of him.

Then I was single for a long time. 12 years. Very very happily single. But then met a guy (at church, of all places) who was interested in me and gradually gained my trust. However, on 10th November 2014 he came to my house and forced himself on me. He hurt me so much. He denies it, claiming it was consensual.

Dear OP, so sorry that you have experienced those awful things. I can understand how you will feel affected badly by them, but just wanted to say none of it was your fault, and you are not 'marked' as permanent victim, although I can understand how it might feel like that. More helpful and encouraging language to use is 'survivor' - which you are, you have kept yourself going and are a fab mum to two lovely daughters.
I would really encourage you it get some specialist support from Rape Crisis or other local service for survivors of abuse - it could really help how you feel, particularly how you feel about yourself.
Try not to be hard on yourself. X

Just offering an ear or hand to hold.

Thank you. I have received counselling in the past. I won't say it has not helped at all, but I am still trapped. Since the latest incident I have been offered more counselling but there is a waiting list and I'm not convinced how effective it can be anyway. I think too much time has gone. The PTSD is too complex and ingrained. Quite literally, my radar is up the creek and I'm SO easy to target.

So take the counselling if and when it is offered, but remember you were happy when you were single for 12 years. An old saying but - a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. I also think you should do what Selks suggests.

How are you doing today? You've been through so much I'm not surprised you feel so low. Please don't beat yourself up, bad shit happens to blameless people, sometimes things just go awry.

Here if you need to talk.

I'm alright (ish), thank you for asking. Earlier j was having g horrible panic attacks that rooted me to the sofa and I couldn't deal with anything. Then my friend dropped round for a chat and I feel calmer.

The ISVA called me today and is going to chase the police officer on my case because I've requested a meeting and not had a reply yet. I feel absolutely dumped and discarded :(

I'm glad you've a friend in RL to talk to. I hope your ISVA can get some answers from the police for you.

I know what you mean about the kids driving you nuts, I've got two toddlers. They are destroying my house (and my sanity).

Push hard for the counselling, you need it. As for the bastard who took advantage of you via church, it's a well known ploy. Happens a lot at AA meetings too (Google it) these people are predators. He will offend again and he will get caught.

We're all here for you if you need to talk.