Struggling again

[MummySparkle]

Just that really, I can feel myself getting ill. Nasty intrusive thoughts are creeping back in and I'm scared. I desperately don't want to be ill again, but I'm so tired I'm not sure how long I can fight them.

I'm going to phone my care coordinator tomorrow. I'm starting psychotherapy in September, but the summer seems very long and very empty.

I'm sorry to read that you aren't feeling well MummySparkle, Do you have any close friends or family nearby? Maybe they could give you a small break for a day or two so you can rest, this would give you a bit of time to get some help for your illness. Intrusive thoughts are a mood destroyer and they drain away energy, Mental health problems are awful to go through especially if you aren't being supported.

Why do you think that the summer will be long and empty? Try to make some achievable plans, like days out or crafting activities or even baking. Then you'll have something to look forward to. I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you Roses

I like routine, and I work in a school. The holidays have always been a struggle for me. I had a major relapse during February half term and I've only recently clawed my way out of it. The holidays have come even earlier than expected for me as I've been medically suspended due to an occupational health report. (It's wrong and I'm in the process of challenging it, but it's taking a while and it's stressful)

I've got a few crafty projects on the go, but the DCs demand lots of my attention so I only get to do them in the evenings. I'm making lots of blankets for woolly hugs at the moment which has been helping.

MIL is great with the DCs, but will only have them one and a time over night. They are 2.5 and 1 so that's understandable. She has ds every Friday nigh, so Saturday mornings are usually quite chilled.

I'm worried about tomorrow. OH is going out cycling and will be out of the house from 8am - 8pm. My mum is coming to give me a hand with the DCs. My plan for tomorrow was to sort the house out, but I have to walk some dogs for OH and that will take up most of my day.

I wish I could sleep for a few days

Is anybody still up? I'm feeling very lonely tonight

Are you ok ?

I'm up, do you to talk a little more to fill in the time?

Tell us about your dc's. What do you enjoy doing with them? How are you surviving in the heat?

The late night hours seem to be the hardest to get through sometimes aren't they?

Thank you for your replies. I think the lorazepam finally kicked in and sent me to sleep last night.

DH went to bed really early last night, so I was alone putting the DCs to bed and the alone all evening.

I miss being at work so so much. MIL always has the DCs on Friday when I'm at work. I've got bits to do from home, but MIL is being a pain in the arse saying she won't have them til 2pm and they have to be 'party ready' when they get there. Bearing in mind I work in a school, by the time I've settled them and got myself to a coffee shop with wifi the school day will be over and I won't be able to do anything anyway. I'm so pissed off with her. And I've had to walk one of DH's dogs with both DCs this morning which is tricky in the heat.

DD is in the baby Carrier and keeps flapping about and head butting my chin. It's driving me mad.

I'm supposed to beerting my colleagues in the pub later, but I feel so crap I'll just be a kill-joy

MIL was fab in the end.

OH is out cycling with mates. DS is with MIL, DD and I are watching TV. I'm gradually getting more drunk. I'm so sad,

I met my colleagues at the pub today. It was lovely, but made me realise how much I miss them.

It's my birthday party tomorrow, I just want to hide

Try and enjoy your party, I hope you will have a lovely time and can be happy for a while

Your OH doesn't sound much help - out cycling all day and early to bed? You need all the help you can get with such young children. Oh and Happy Birthday for today - I think I remember you from the village thread but can't remember what your MH issue is - am guessing depression/anxiety or PND? Glad you have a good MIL and mother. I'm having a tough time with depression but don't have young children - I feel SO much for you young mums battling babies and MH stuff.

Hope today is bearable. Oh and self medicating with alcohol isn't a good idea, which I'm sure you already know!

Thank you mummylin and NanaNina, I remember you too.

My diagnoses are depression and borderline personality disorder, though I'm not sure about the BpD anymore. I suffer with anxiety too, although I'm not sure that's been formally diagnosed. I'm waiting for an adult autism assessment too, but it takes a long long time

Actually I've had a lovely day today. OH has been fab and organised a great party with the family. FIL manned the BBQ and it was all yummy. I got lots of nice presents including a new watch, some lovely pens from the DCs and a mindfulness colouring book.

I know self-medicating with alcohol isn't great. Tipsy takes the edge off things and shuts my head up for a bit. But drunk makes my head much much worse.

I've been drinking all afternoon, but I've been pacing myself so I'm just comfortably tipsy. It definitely helped me to enjoy the afternoon.

I'm lying in bed with DS now trying to get him to sleep, I think DD has fallen asleep watching the tennis.

I'm looking forward to a few more drinks in the garden with OH once D S is settled.

OH isn always the most helpful, but he has had awful battles with anxiety since DS was born, and his cycling buddies are the first group of new friends he has made, and it really helps his mental health, so I want to let him go. It's just hard for me to be home with the DCs wh n I'm struggling.

My case was reviewed by occupational health on Friday, so I'll be chasing them on Monday to see when we will get the report. I'm really hoping I'll be able to go back to work. We only have 2 weeks left, then it's will be the long and empty summer holidays. DS will have a nursery place by then, so at least that will give me a bit of a break.

Downhill again today :(

We went to the big shopping centre as I wanted to get a dress (in theory in going to an end of term bash with my colleagues).

I was totally overwhelmed by the end. It felt like the entire shopping centre were looking at me and whispering about me. OH hot pissed of with me because I was being nasty to him. It wasn't intentional, and I didn't realise I was doing it, I was just struggling with the noise and the crowds and pushing the buggy through the people was a nightmare. But I felt like everyone was conspiring against me and deliberately getting in my way. I think I might have been 'that ride bitch pushing a buggy' today.

OH is out cycling with his friends. He always goes out if I've annoyed him. Bless him, he's tried really hard for me to have a lovely day and I was stressed and unintentionally horrid to him.

I've just spent the last hour at the MIU getting emergency contraception. My cool expelled itself a few weeks ago and we forgot last night right in the middle of my cycle too. I got pregnant with DD in my first cycle since having DS, k would love more children, but I can barely look after the two I've got.

DS is still awake. I thought he'd fall asleep in the car, but no such luck. Just trying to get him to sleep now. I'm exhausted already, as the leftover party alcohol is calling

Sounds like you were suffering from severe anxiety this afternoon and not surprising in a busy shopping centre with babies in tow.....maybe even panicky. Best thing would to have found a seat and had a cold drink and done some breathing in through your nose, holding and then long breath out - this really can be effective for anxiety.

Still wonder about your OH - "he always goes out if I've annoyed him" and you comment "bless him" - hmm doesn't sound very good to me, leaving you to cope with 2 young children when you've had a stressful anxious afternoon. Are you assertive enough do you think?

Hope you're feel calmer now and going easy on the booze.

DS only fell asleep at 11pm, so booze didn't even get a look in!

OH is wonderful, I am one to dwell on his faults and forget to praise the little things. He asked me if he could go out and I was happy for him to go. I want him to be happy.

I should have stopped to take a few minutes in the shopping centre. I started to get panicky whilst queueing to pay in M&S. It was just getting to 5pm so all the shops were closing, all the people were in the walkways going back to their cars. DS had done a poo and DD had tipped a bottle of water over herself so we had to go via the changing rooms. The DCs wouldn't stay still and I was a little bit shouty at wriggly DD, just as another parent came in to the changing area. After that I had to run, because everybody knew and everybody was looking at me. It sounds ridiculous now, but at the time it felt very real. OH kept getting annoyed that I was walking ahead, but I had to get back to the car, and I had to grip the buggy as hard as I possibly could to keep myself safe.

I'm so terrified of becoming ill again, but I x an feel that I'm on a slippery slope and I don't know how to stop myself. I'm not sure who to throw lifelines to. I can't really talk to any professionals until I get everything with occy health sorted out in case it goes in a medical report to them.

The only thing stopping me from giving in to the SH urges is I know how disappointed OH will be in me, and I don't have the energy to deal with the fall out. I wanted to earlier. If DS had called asleep on the car on the way to the MIU like he was supposed to then i would have harmed before going in and go that sorted at the same time.

My head is still racing, but my body is tired. Won't be long before my mess let me sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, I hope