How do you get self confidence?

[Marshmellow]

I just want to be a confident person, sure of myself and stop worrying about how i come across, whether i say or do the right thing etc etc. I seem to spend my life moulding myself to be what others want, worry that i come across as needy and pathetic and just want to feel more confident and grown up. Majority of the time i spend worrying about stupid things, worrying if i'm liked (by people who i've alreaady decided that i don't like...why do i care then?!)This is really beginning to get me down, i just want to be happy and have energy in myself. How do you get confident? what stops you from caring about what others think? I need some boosting tips please. Thanks

I used to be very shy and unsure of myself, and it was having such a negative impact on my life that I decided I had to change.

I did it by thinking of all the things I wanted to be - outgoing, confident, friendly etc and then just acted like it. Eventually, you realise that you are doing it for real more than just acting and it becomes second nature.

If I did something that was embrassing I thought of how I would tell the story to friends later, then you are not a stupid person who makes mistakes, you are a funny one with interesting stories who can laugh at themselves.

I used to worry endlessly what people thought of me so now I allow myself 5 minutes to think about something, allow myself to be concerned about it and then force myself to move on. It is common sense that a situation doesnt change because you worry about it, but when I finally realised it it felt like a revelation.

also, try to do some exercise, it makes you feel so much better.

Thanks for that. I have got to change because it is ruining things. I have lost alot of weight, sometimes feel sick with worry. Don't particularly feel confident enough to socialise much, becoming quite insular. I am also short tempered at times when i am caught up in myself and this effects the family as a whole. I will try just imagining myself as this confident person and see what happens. I am a mother and a wife and i should have all the confidence in the world but still feel somewhat a sad pathetic child

Well don't worry then.. hold your head high and get on with life, it's too short!!

I remember being the tallest out of my friends, who were the two cuter ones that got all the boy interest, they had the right hair style, the right clothes. I was the geeky one with massive curly hair, tall and slightly clumsy, add to that a bit of overweight and over protective parents. I used to walk with my head down when I was with them, thinking I would blend in more and "match them"

It was only when I got to college (16-19) and I wasn't the tallest, I wasn't the geekiest, and I found I did have a voice, people did like my ideas and they liked them too (sometimes!!) We were all awkward in some ways.

It's only been inb my 20's I've really bceome myself. My DH is incredibly shy, but even he has come out of himself (he had to with me around, he wouldn't get a word in edge ways otherwise!)

How do you want to be more confident? Where is it you lack confidence? Is it your friends/ family that make you feel like this?

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that doesnt sound good. What about getting some outside help, or some kind of self help book with some mental exercises in for a more positive picture of yourself.

I gave up smoking with a self help book, and conquered a phobia of spiders with hypnotherapy so I really beleive we have the power to change things in our heasds if we just know the right way to do it.

what about Paul McKennas confidence book, got to be worth a fiver of your money.

Hiya, im very unconfident, and always worry about what people think etc. Im always convinced people wont like me, or will say something behind my back. Ive thought about going to classes for assertiveness , they are supposed to be really good.

I didn't have a great childhood which i think has implemented some of my low self esteem. My eldest has just started school and i am finding the whole 'letting go' thing quite hard and also the aspect of wanting to be popular for her sake. At the same time though i don't want to stand out because all i have found so far is that people are either rude or feel that they can be off-ish one minute and then ok the next. I get annoyed that people don't put the same effort into treating me nicely as i do them. there have been a number of occasions where i have said things and the response has been 'yeah yeah you told me that!' How rude! i wouldn't even say that to my best mates, what makes people think they can treat me like that? I just wish i had more confidence to 'fire back' at some of these people. My dh is so confident that he would throw back some one liner or just think 'f**k you' but instead i fester, grow the problem and then convince myself that i am a useless person. How can one comment alter my day so greatly? i get so cross that i let these things get to me

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I just wish that i could think 'i don't like your attitude to me so therefore who gives a shit, move on' But instead i pull out all the stops to get a positive response and to be liked, dwelling and festering on this for ages

I really do know what you mean, when someone just says one thing and it can ruin your day and you just keep dwelling on it.

you sound like a lovely person who cares about other peoples feelings and really shouldnt be bothered by some people.

you know on one hand that no one likes everyone, some people are a bit off because of their own problems or bad attitude, but knowing it and doing something about it are very different arent they.

Definately go to the library and find a book that can give you some practical tips, life is too short to be worrying about stuff.

Well I'm reading a book called Creating Self-Esteem by Lynda Field which I am hoping will help... It v.interesting so far

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I also worry alot that i have opened up too much to people. I feel that people probe me and before i know it am confessing that i have no confidence, worry etc etc and then i worry afterwards about 'oh god what will they think' 'have i let my guard down'. I seem to struggle with being too trusting and then worrying that and what that person thinks of me. I want to be stronger and if someone asks me something that i don't like (for example i was being probed about my previous marriage and really didn't want to disclose but found myself telling them because i didn't have the confidence to say 'its not something i wish to talk about'. I then felt angry with myself and them - who i don't really know - for being so rude and asking anyway!). I now feel riddled with guilt towards my children, who do not know that i was previously married, and highly annoyed that people can be so insensitive

You sound like me too! I've been struggling with this for a few months and lately have started having major anxiety attacks and am on ADs. I used to have confidence but that was before I spent the last 2 years at home with the family, being dependent on my husband and even my son. That's a terrible place to be, how can you be dependent on a 2 year old! I'm doing a distance learning course to give me something to take my mind off it and hopefully this will give me the boost I need.

The truth is, underneath the veil you just don't know what is going on inside people and i would wager that most people have anxious moments from time to time or even more than this - we just assume they are confident and more outgoing than us. I am telling myself that these feelings are just because of where I am in my life right now and I won't always feel like this, and you won't either.

I do sometimes think that looking around for answers makes me worse as it just makes me focus on those issues too much! If I spent the time taking stock of current affairs or reading the classics then I might feel like I'd earnt some brownie points for myself but I'd rather be on here looking for answers! Its silly really (but also extremely helpful!!). Good luck with it.

Gosh, I so know where you are coming from M. Especially, being really sensitive when it comes to rude people AND the exposed feeling of telling too much to nosey people.

Sometimes we can feel like the weakest link in the world! When the truth of the matter is, we are really sensitive, well meaning and concious individuals who are constantly trying to better ourselves! And there is nothing wrong with that, infact, I would rather be aware of how I act towards others and how they are acting towards me. Than blindly blustering through life, not caring who I trample on.

I think after recognising and being pleased that you are a lovely human being! The next step is to take strength in that and then you'll feel able to take the higher ground, and mentally turn the other cheek! It works for me! Also, If there's a chance that I've been telling quite a few people about a certain thing, I always start by saying, have I told you this? Becos us mums, don't have the memory we used to have and we can't be expected to remember such trivia!

I'm working on the follow up to the higher ground now, which is 'not taking any crap'! Over the years, I have witnessed several friends, just begin not taking any foolishness from anybody! Theyve stopped sitting on the fence in the name of politeness and completely asserted themselves. I think age does this and the responsibility of being a parent too. I keep practising asserting myself in minor situations to get my strength up for the biggies!

Dont know if any of this helps! I just read this thread and felt moved to write something.

Oh and by the way, Lynda Feild's books are really good. I used her Quit smoking book (four years ago now!) and i still have a look at it occasionally to remind myself of her positive words!