Cannot stop crying

[minniemitch]

I'm finding it hard to tell if I'm depressed or sleep deprived. I have been struggling to sleep more than 6 hours a night for many months. Most nights it's less than this. dd is 11 months and sleeps fine - it's my anxieties that are keeping me awake. Family is in a mess at the moment - never been very functional family but feel very let down by them after dd was quite ill recently -they didn't ring with concern or kind words. Had much jmore support from mumsnet than from them. I know why they don't help - they're incapable of it (have had therapy to try to understand them) but doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes I feel like i'm doing ok but not today. I have cried a few times in front of dd in the past few weeks - I know this is damaging. This morning she looked at me with such a puzzled sad face. I have to rest when she goes to bed - I don't do enough round the house. Dh does alot - it makes me feel very bad about myself. I try so hard to be a good mum and not cry in front of her and give her a happy start in life but sometimes I don't succeed. She does seem like a smiley happy confident baby but as she gets older she will pick up on my sadness more. I'm not always sad but when I am it's always to do with family. I still have therapy and yesterday was told that they will probably never be there for me. Have always been clinging to the hope that one day they would.I should be in work thisn morning but sent dh to take her to c/m. have been up since 3.30. have a docs appt at 10.40. not sure what to say to him - i expect he'll want to put me on Ads. feel quite desperate. I'm failing everyone.

fuck your family off mentally

make an effort to do something long term for your self.

dance class
educational class
weight watchers

something that last wekk after week.

seriously some families arn't worth it.

i had great childhood - i was spoiled rotten cos my dad died when i was 4 - my mother bcuase unrecognisable when her only daughter - went off and got married. doesn't send birthday cards to kids xmas card anything. shes a misrable old fucker.

i go to see her once every few months. be polite etc - i do this for myself. so i dont feel guilty.

you have your family now.

your family are you - your kid and your partner. everyone else doesn;t matter - really its a mindset.

its not easy - its horrible thinking your own family are fuckers. but thats it. just admit your family are fuckers - and live YOUR life.

self pity wont help - book a course in something today.

It's always hard when you have a breakthrough in therapy - I'm not surprised you're so upset. Having a baby can really open old wounds about family - particularly when they let you down about your baby (glad dd is feeling better, btw). I think anti-depressants might help you get through this period; just try and tell the GP what you've told us.

You're not failing anyone - you're having a bad time and need some help.

Don'y worry about ADs they can make such a difference. I am lucky that I have a supportive family but i still used to feel as crap as you. You are going to have to face up to your family situation but you don't have to do it with no help.

agree with custardo and tribpot...after a breakthrough in therapy ..you need to go through all the emotions....anger, rage, denial, more anger...despair..and then you reach acceptance and peace......

you can;t make other people do or be anything for you..concentrate on yourself...

ADs will give you back some clarity of thought and more of what makes you happy and forward thinking...i speak from bitter experience...but you can work through this...xx

Perhaps it is inappropriate self pity. Am trying really hard to let go of it. Most days I focus on exactly what you say - our little family unit and how wonderful dd is and get along OK. Sleep deprivation making it a bit harder to keep on top of the crying though.

nothing inappropriate at all..! doc might give you a weeks supply of sleeping tablets to get you back in a more positive sleep pattern..they will not cause problems when taken for a short amount of time
no-one can function adequately on so little sleep

thankyou for the replies - very supportive. tribpot it seems to be true about the presence of dd opening old wounds - reminds me of old stuff and things I am determined not to repeat in this generation. i have methods of dealing with it all most of the time. Today am finding it hard to feel good about myself at all. does/has anyone find/found it difficult to get the energy to do washing/make meals/keep house tidy? I focus so much on being with her, doing things with her - singing/reading etc and doing a couple of days of office work a week that I struggle to keep on top of things. Think the lack of sleep doesn't help.

thanks lulumama - have read a few of your threads before and sounds like you went through some really tough stuff. still bfing dd first thing in morn so think sleeping tabs prob out.