Help! 18 months on and I'm still nervous and memoryless!

[Snailpace]

Hello mums!

I suffered from PND after the birth of my DD, the worst of it was over by about 6months. I never took the AD's i was perscribed (too afraid of the side effects) but I did go to counselling which was ok. (Talking about yourself for a hour... why not!)

Luckily, I have a decent career which was really begining to take off, so i had something to focus on. But if I'm honest I still don't feel myself. Infact I don't like to keep saying that because I actually think what happens is that you change and never ever return (not completely) to your oldself. But I have new qualities that I really don't like. I'm so easy to worry, sometimes about really irrational things and I can't work out what is reasonable and what is actually ludicrous! I used to be a really intuative person but now I can't really rely on my intuition at all. Then there's my memory, it just cuts out mid sentence and I can't remember what I was going to say. This is awfully embarrasing as I have to do a lot of public speaking in my work. Lastly, and what I'm most disturbed by is my temper, I'm so easy to get wound up these days, my DH suffers the worst of it. (Although he is V understanding and we do keep it away from DD) But the other day, I had an akward dealing on the phone with the bank and called the woman a BITCH and hung up! This has shaken me, as I used to be such a laid back individual. Since then, I've been diggin out all my old self-help books and even bought some St Johns Wart (and last night took one!) I really don't want to be this mass of nerves! Help!

Crikey you sound just like me! I didnt get diagnosed till DD a year old. And I too have gone from a rational laid back person to exactly like you. I did AD for six months and actually I think they worked, however I find my loss of memory and temper and all the other things very annoying. Sometimes I logically think its just being a mum!
The help - I think having insight into how you/we are is the best thing. I am trying to make changes in my life that ease everything.
And trying to put hings into perspective when I get irrationally worried or nervous or anxious. I hav been quite physiocally ill lately (caught some bizarre bug of DD) and i started worrying I was depressed again before even considering I might actually be physically ill!!

Snailpace i have to agree with you completely. I have never returned to my former self since the birth of ds but more so after dd was born (13 months). Pretty stressful year with dd, found HV not very helpful, did'nt ask for help DP thought i may well have PND (undiagnosed) due to the way i was behaving losing train of thought mid sentence, unable to remember the smallest of things (can't think of an example at the moment). More worrying was my temper, DP can't understand why i fly of the handle, and get upset over silly things. Also when anyone asked about dd i felt that i was so negative about her that i ended up more upset. Unsure having just read back what i've type if indeed i should speak with GP. Need advice here guys.

GILL 74, in what way were you being negative about DD?

What else is going on in your life just now that are negative or that you are worried about?

She cried quite a lot from day 1, refused feeds and did'nt sleep. I would hold her rock her nothing worked she would finally cry herself to sleep. Phoned GP and HV appt with GP told that some babies just cry (personality) HVs advice she may well grow out of it.

Friends would ask me how she was and I would say I just don't feel like I've got to know her, when she cried I never really got to understand what it was for ie was she hungry, tired nothing unusual I just could not listen to her crying anymore. I was almost wishing I had waited until ds was a little older. I would go out walking sometimes as early as 7-7.30am just to get out of the house with her in the buggy, i was so stressed out.

For example a simple trip to the local supermarket. Both dcs in trolley half way round dd starts crying i knew as soon as i got back in the car that she would fall asleep. So i finished the shop as quickly as i could and while packing bags customer services manager comes to me and explains that she was at the other end of the store, a bit concerned with baby crying (ds holding ears shouting too noisy)! I explained that she was tired etc As i left the store everyone was looking with these facial expressions some pity some been there done that some like shut that child up.

Friends and Family would call and most times I would have to end conversation due to dd crying. Mostly looking back at the early months the most negative things would be not saying anything positive about her at all. instead it would be me moaning about the sound of her crying and lack of sleep probably just normal stuff for any mother. Maybe I just allowed things to build up without asking for proper advice. To be honest I probably did'nt tell HV exactly how I feeling with dc number 2 because i was fine first time around and I felt like i was expected to know what i was doing anyway . (Even now I'm finding it hard to explain what is going on in my head. I hope you can make sense of this).