Posting here because I don't know where to turn. I can't cope with daily life anymore, I have a long history of depression and severe anxiety and have taken anti d's in the past but disliked the side effects and never completed the course. I believe my problems stem from a difficult childhood and a long unhappy marriage that led to me closing myself off to everyone and anything I trust no-one.
I have lived a very isolated life I have no friends, no job and little interaction with the outside world outside my dp and children.
Life should be happy I have a new wonderful dp and a lovely home and no real reason to feel unhappy anymore and I'm close to losing that because my brain makes my behaviour intolerable I often wonder if I'm just a horrible person rather than mentally unwell. I tell myself each day I will be better because deep down I know I act crazy but I cant seem to do it. I went to the doctors and had bloods taken, all normal so it's either me or my brain.
I have horrific mood swings that I take out on anyone closest to me, happy one minute and angry the next. I feel like my brain has a million thoughts and questions running through it constantly that I can't keep on top of and so erupt in anger at the slightest thing. I question and replay every word I say to someone for months on end and I am extremely paranoid about everything. To me everything is shit I can't ever see the positive in any situation because my anxiety kicks in and then I question every detail that really shouldn't matter, I'm self conscious of myself and feel like I'm being looked at and judged when realistically I know I wont be, I honestly hate myself and everything about me both physically and mentally. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do I just want to be normal, I want to have friends and live life but at the same time I want to curl up in a corner in my pj's and not speak to anyone ever again.