Please tell me this is not my fault [sad]

[pepperpots]

Ok basically i will cut a long story short, me and dp really not getting on latley the past week has been worse than ever alot of shouting on his part, and a lot of crying on mine . Anyway when picking up ds1 and ds2 from c/m she pulled me aside and said that ds2 has been doing a lot of hitting Now i'm not naive by a long shot but is this really my fault he is like this?? Btw both ds's are in bed before the rows start usually so its not as though he see's it all the time. God i'm writing this down and crying... it is my fault for putting up with this shit!! Now what do i do to stop him? His older brother and c/m dd are suffering he is 2.3 btw... can anyone help

Are you and your dp physical with each other? If so thats another thread ....

Regard to your son, no its not your fault..hes at an age where it is very common for children to start hitting or similar from the frustration they have with language not being developed enough to express themselves.

Do be careful though that your children don't witness your arguments as they take so much more than we think in. Perhaps giving him some special one on one positive times would reassure you that he is a stable happy balanced little boy!

Have you noticed his behaviour changing at all at home?

Hey pepperpots, am sorry to hear about your situation, but I need to ask what do you want to do?

The hitting could be a result of seeing other children doing the same at playsession or in the park. It is not necessarily anything to do with you or your recent problems with your partner.

However, am sure your children realise you are unhappy.

Good luck with everything xxx

aw pepperpots poor you no advice really but my ds aged 2 copies a lot of his elder brothers attitude already! and when me and the eldest are having a row , the little one does get rather angry himself

nice that your cm feels confident enough to tell you though, at least you know youre not being talked about behind your back at the school gates.

do hope it gets better for , sorry i couldnt answer your questions though

dp is never physical towards me but does shout in my face iyswim and although he hasnt seen this he does witness a lot of shouting from dp to me he has always been a miserable baby (i know thats a horrible thing to say but he has) but it seems as though he has got much worse the last week or so, and i really dont know what to do with him

Both ds's have been through a lot tbh. Example when ds1 was 2 he watched as his father (not dp) beat and raped me after that he didnt talk for months and im so scared that ds2 is going to go the opposite route and start taking his anger out on everyone

I would make yourself and your sons two promises then.

1. that you speak to your dp in a rational manner and explain that in no circumstances are you going to put up with him shouting at you in front of the children.

and

2. that you do start spending some special time with your son where he can express his feelings to you and you can have a loving time - arty crafty things are always good - drawing your family with him and talking about how much everyone loves him, get really messy and have a giggly time with your son doing things like body painting/printing and papier mache. Act silly and mess around so he can see that his mummy is happy and does love him.

And a third thing is to work out where you and your dp are going with this, it can't go on forever. Do you get time completely alone where you can sit down and sort things out once and for all? Have you considered counselling? As you realise its not only you and dp being affected - all the more reason to deal with this like adults. Even if you just get your dp to agree to stop letting the children see any negative behaviour between you - tell your dp to write things down when he is feeling like shouting at you, and then sit down calmly in the evening to talk through the problems that arise between you both.

Good luck x

posts crossed there.

I have tried to explian to 'd'p that he can't shout at me but its not worked
I spend as much time as i can with him, and i am def a hands on mum, who gets covered in glue and mess. but nothing seems to work

I wasn't implying you're not already a great mum! Just saying that if you feel he's suffering some extra special time could be good.

I'm sorry pepperpots, is this dp the father of your youngest son then?

sorry to take so long getting back. No he is neither childrens dp. Things worse today as now he has started having extremem tantrums too gets himself very very upset and screams at anyone who goes near him

pepperpots i went thru this with my dd when i split from her dad and recent events (too long to explain right now) have also taken their toll on her.. definitely what children witness has a big effect on them but you can do a LOT to make it better.. cut down any exposure to negativity.. if you are sad / cry in front of them, always explain it is nothing to do with them.. don't judge or worry about their behaviour (tantrums at 2 are really, really normal!!) but look to why it might be getting worse, if it is.. take them OUT of the house and go and do fun things somewhere else, without dp.. tell him that if he's affecting your children he won't be welcome until he can take responsibility for his behaviour.. imo i'm not sure men who aren't parents can truly understand this until they've totally embraced the step-parent role and i don't know enough about your situation to judge..

sorry if this is a bit muddled but it's late, but i wanted to post

hope this helps xx