Child protection plan after suicide attempts.

[random12]

Our children have been on a child protection plan for 2 years following my wife making a few suicide attempts (carbon monoxide, standing at top of car park, various overdoses, sedatives and drowning etc). A few weeks ago she stabbed herself in the chest twice with a knife and punctured both her lungs. The air ambulance took her to hospital and she was okay. But she told the police she had been attacked so we had a forensics team in the house, teams of police searching the street and police dogs and helicopter searching for a phantom. After a while she admitted it was self inflicted but they had to keep investigating it in case she was making that up (a psychologist told me that because her father was a policeman it might her trying to get the attention from the police to substitute for the love she did not get growing up). We have had a good support network so the children have been fairly well insulated from her behaviour and they were elsewhere at the time of the latest incident but it will be having a serious impact on them and it is a lot by luck that they have not witnessed as much as they could have. I feel guilty for not isolating them from the mother better. They are only 2 and 4. Social services have given us the 2 year child protection period to try and get things sorted but my wife is just upping things so her behaviour and the outcome can't really get any more dramatic. Time is up. It's got to the stage where I have to choose between my wife and children. She is not allowed any contact with them now and probably will not be for a few years. Obviously the children are my priority so the plan is to get divorced and protect myself emotionally from her. the parents rights group gave me some good advice. They said to imagine you're standing at the middle of a wall with your back to it. At one end of the wall are the children and at the other is your partner. You can only see the children OR your partner at one time so if your partner is stabbing herself you have to keep looking at your children or you are not putting them first. This makes sense but I feel sad because divorcing her seems like it will destroy her and she is likely to complete an attempt. I can't see how it would be possible to maintain a marriage with someone who cannot even see the children.

Phew.......i couldn't even start to advise...as u said..children need to come first and have lots of love...

The problem at the moment is if she comes back home I have to call the police and they will take the children into Care for up to 72 hours under a police protection order. There seems to be a flaw in the law because I cannot stop her coming back legally. I don't think I can get a restraining order because the only violence this time was self inflicted even though it involved a knife. The only way I can protect the children is for the to be removed. This seems wrong.

Where is your wife now? Is she getting the mental health support she needs?

I have only ever known one man in a position remotely similar to yours, and he and his family were badly let down by mental health services, the Police and social services.

You poor thing. I have nothing practical to say, just that I feel your pain and yes, you are doing the right and the only thing by putting the children first. I am so sorry.

Why isn't your wife allowed any contact? She is very unwell yes but how can contact be harmful?
Do you love your wife and want to stay with her? Can you get legal advice. Genuine question because your post doesn't seem to show much compassion for her.

Must have taken so much courage to get to where you are now, I can't even imagine what you and yours have been through.

You are making the right decision even if emotionally you feel conflicted. The decision you have made is the only option available to you. You did not choose to be be placed in this situation, nor did you determine the choices available. None of which makes any of your situation any easier.

You can still sympathise with your partner. She is vulnerable and distressed, but you are a parent protecting your children.

This is the situation now. However, in the longer-term it may change if your partner's MH improves. If she is not seen as a threat to your children in the future then access restrictions may change.

I sincerely wish you all the very best for what is an aweful situation.

what a horrible situation for all of you.

Of course your priority has to be your children - you have to do everything possible to make sure they don't go into care.

If I were you I would see a solicitor specialising in this area of family law as soon as possible to figure out how to protect your children. Would you wife be able to understand that you are removing yourself and the children because of their needs and the demands of social services? Does she have any other family support? Is she in hospital right now?

Good luck to you - this isn't easy but your children are very young and very vulnerable - they have no one but you to take care of them. you are doing what you have to do.

I'm so sorry you're in this awful position

You are doing exactly the right thing and I hope you know that as hard as things may get you putting your dc first makes you an excellent parent

What is your housing situation at the moment? Is there any chance you could move so that your wife has no access to the home? Even if not i think if she turns up you should leave temporarily with the children rather than have then go into emergency care, and once the divorce is in motion the housing situation can be sorted out so she cannot enter your home

Social services say she is harmful emotionally because she keeps disappearing from the children's lives and cannot provide any consistency. She has also self harmed when they have been in the house. It's too unpredictable to keep them safe. Because the children have been on a child protection plan for 2 years social services want more a permanent arrangement to keep them safe. I am responsible for arranging this. If I don't then care proceedings are likely and I will not be able to look after the children either because I will have failed to protect them from emotional abuse/the risk of emotional abuse.

She's on a psychiatric ward as a voluntary patient but they would probably section her if she tried to leave within the next couple of weeks. She's got family she could stay with where there aren't children living. I do feel sad for her.

I'm sorry this is a very hard situation. I grew up with a mother with similar issues who did take her own life. I had/has a long term effect on me and my siblings.

can you get advice from a family lawyer, would a non mol be appropriate to keep her away. Though of course she might have limited ability to comply given her MH problems

Your children are in a similar position to children witnessing domestic violence. Their mother's suicidal behaviour will have a very negative effect on their well being. As you say your wife's attempts to take her own life are likely to escalate and there is a real risk the children might get hurt or worse. SS are obliged to take action, like the parent with a violent partner you need to put the children first or run the very real risk of them being taken into care.

You need specialist legal advice and a restraining order to protect the children. One can be granted.

I'm sorry you are faced with this horrible situation and I hope your wife is,getting the support she needs.

So sorry OP. The situation is horrendous but you are absolutely right to put your children first. As terrible as the choices are, your wife is an adult with other support opportunities for her. Your children only have you.
Do you have support around you?

Sorry to hear about your situation however PPis right seek legal advice and get a court order/restraining order preventing your wife accessing your house and children. They can attach a power of arrest to this so if she does knock on the door or approach you, you can call police. Surely your social worker can point you in the right direction, it is in their interest to support you.in the mean time if she does turn up at your address call police they can section her or remove her, removing the children is a last resort and by calling them you are trying to protect them.

This is so sad. What kind of involvement does she have with the children at the moment? Does she have periods where she is well? I think the other posters are right. You need to put the children first. You can explain it to your wife, you are not deserting her, but this is how it has to be for the sake of the children. It will be reviewed when she is better. Could you still be on the end of the phone?

What a tough situation. Would it be better for you to talk to her mental health team and broach the divorce etc while she is in care and has support?

everyone is telling you what you know is right, putting the children first. What an awful situation. Are you getting help yourself like counselling? As this surely must be so hard for you to deal with yourself.

Seen a solicitor today. Non molestation or occupancy order might be an answer to keep her away from the home where the children are. Seems quite drastic to get a court order. Had never heard of them before.

You sound very shocked and Numb, which is totally understandable. You are absolutely right about putting the children first , your wife is getting care in hospital, but what about you? Do you have relatives or friends you can share this with?

I read your post this morning and cried. Your situation is heartbreaking. I've been mentally ill recently and am finally on the road to recovery. Maybe with the right care and the right meds your wife will get better but in the meantime you have to protect your children. It's not your wife's fault that she's so poorly, nobody wants to suffer with mental illness. You are doing the right thing despite how painful it must feel. Sending you massive hugs and strength and hope. I really hope your wife gets the help she needs and that you get the help you need to get through this. X

Random glad you've taken legal advice. I know it seems excessive but a court order will protect the children. Hopefully you wife will get the help she needs and deserves, then in time can rebuild a relationship with you and the children.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this but you are doing the right thing for your kids (and dare I say it, for yourself too). I don't think you have even mentioned the impact of all this on you. Don't forget to look after yourself too, your kids are young and by doing this now you are limiting the impact on them for the rest of their lives. Your wife will continue to get the support she needs but it will take a long time for change to happen I suspect.
You are being very brave and a loving father, sounds like you have a good support network but if you need to offload, this is a good place.

Random you sound like you are indeed conflicted. Have you any idea what's at the root of your wife's suicide attempts, and what is her diagnosis? People aren't usually sectioned for depression/anxiety unless it is very severe and they've stopped eating and drinking. SO I am assuming your wife has a psychotic illness of some kind - though may be wrong. How long has your wife been mentally ill, and does she have a psychiatric history. Sorry to ask so many Qs.....

Re the children. I'm a retired social worker and I can't really understand why you have to call the police if she tries to see the children. Surely if you are there to protect them, that should be enough? I assume you are at home looking after them full time. Legally their mother still has PR - and this can only be taken away by a Court Order, and being mentally ill does not take away her PR. Have there been any court proceedings at all (private law I mean) not care proceedings.

Very difficult situation.