please tell me how to talk to my daughter

[Debs75]

My 19 year old dd has been suffering with depression for the last couple of years . Before things got bad we noticed she was more grumpy and she had an awful attitude, at the time we thought it was just normal teenage hormones.
Talking to her and trying to get her to do things is beyond difficult. She keeps her room worse than a pig sty, she hoards things like empty coke bottles, crisp packets and once we found used pads stuffed in a drawer. I've tried to talk to her about general cleanliness but she likes it that way or she doesn't see the problem. She is very apathetic, if i left her she would sleep most of the day, not wash or eat and just play with action figures.
she snaps at everyone and if asked to adjust her tone she snaps 'it's just the way I talk'

Whenever I try and suggest things to help her or ask her to pull her weight around the house she over reacts or fobs us off with lame excuses

We just want the best for her, she has all these career dreams but if she doesn't do basic things like brush her teeth or have a shower more than once a month she won't even get past the interviews.
We do love her so much but she is pushing us away more and more everyday, please can anyone help us.

Bumping this as we really need some insight. She has no professional help at the moment

Do some reading around girls with Asperger's Syndrome and see if you think it fits your DD. Lots of girls are diagnosed late because they mask their symptoms and try to fit in socially for a long time.

If it does fit your DD, it could give you a better understanding of what the world is like for her and, hopefully, that understanding could help you open up some communication.

It's not aspergers, niece has aspergers and ds has autism, they share some traits and we have lived asd for 15 years now, dd shows none that we can see.
She doesn't even try to fit in with friends, she actively fights against their attempts to get her to join in and then moans that their invitations upset her.

Thank you for responding though

OK

Sorry to hear you are going through this, OP. You say your DD has no professional help at the moment - has she ever had any, or would she agree to seek some?

I hope my experience might be helpful to you. DD (nearly 20) had a very rocky two or three years from the age of 16 which included some of what you describe, and more, and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. We too had assumed that her apathy and low mood were just normal teenage behaviour.

I learnt that there is nothing you can do to make a depressed person (especially your own teen depressed person) do anything they don't want to do, and trying to push them is in fact the worst thing you can do.

Hard though it is, all you can do is listen to her (if she will talk to you) and empathise. Validate her feelings - eg. 'I can see that you are feeling so tired today that it's too much effort to get up and have a shower' rather than coming across as judgmental (this is so hard, I know). The complaints about friends upsetting your DD particularly strikes a chord with me, and I realise that I would brush off this kind of comment, trying to reassure DD that they didn't mean to upset her. It would have been more helpful to her if I had acknowledged that her feelings were real (however irrational they seemed to me).

Put her in control of her illness rather than trying to carry the burden yourself. As she is over 18 she will have to take responsibility for seeking treatment, but you can offer to help her to find the best route to it.

Above all, look after yourself. The airline instruction to fit your own oxygen mask before helping others is very appropriate here.

I hope your DD will want to pursue her dreams eventually. It's so sad to see them deliberately sabotaging what they and we had expected for their futures, but I really believe that with your loving support - and hopefully some external help - she will turn her life around when she is ready.

Your dd is displaying symptoms of clinical depression. If she hasn't already done so, she needs to see her GP and start an anti-depressant medication and CBT; all of which her GP can organise.

She did seek help 2 years ago. She started cilitopram (sp?) And had 1 session with a counsellor to determine if she needed counselling, we never heard anything back from them. She came off the cilitopram as it made her worse but wasn't offered anything else. She was under pressure with a levels and had recently been diagnosed with arthritis. Despite all this she chose to go to uni 150 miles away. Once her drs found out she was moving they stopped all involvement. We encouraged her to register at a drs near uni but she never bothered.
Part of me wonders if she hadn't gone to uni we could have got more done done for her mental health and arthritis also the behaviour she exhibits seems worse because she has spent so long away.
I really don't know how to help her. Everything i suggest is either dismissed straight away or she just never does it. If i leave it to her to make a drs appointment it can take her weeks so i usually just do it but she isn't happy.

So has she dropped out of uni now, or is she home for the summer? It really sounds as though you will have to organise an appointment with the GP, although the rest will depend on your DD taking any medication that is prescribed. Depending on where you are there may be quite a wait for any kind of counselling - could you afford to find a private therapist?

Would she talk to another adult - family friend or relative - about how she is feeling?

for you.

She did a foundation year as she didn't get the marks for our local uni, she starts there in September.
I'm going to ring for a drs appt on Monday and get one when I'm not at work so i can go with her. I think counselling is what she needs but yes waiting times are long, there are group counselling sessions she could go to though

So sorry Debs for your DD and of course for you. I agree that it sounds like your DD is suffering from depression/anxiety - I am not a teenager (far from it - a grandmother) but suffer from D/A and at it's worst it really does make even the slightest task seem like something mammoth. Sorry I just re-read your OP and you know she is suffering from depression. Have you any idea what might have triggered this, though sometimes it can just emerge without any real trigger. Having said that, loss of some kind (not necessarily a death) is usually at the root of depression.

It's a shame she's not been getting the help she needs and glad you are going to get her a GP appointment. Might be helpful to write down a list of her symptoms (better if she does it, but she probably won't) but you could do it and ask her if she agrees with it, some of it, none of it. I think the reason she won't listen to you is twofold - firstly teenagers are often scornful of anything a parent advises (due to hormones etc) and then because she may well know deep down that you're right about the way she is living and the lack of hygiene etc. One of the emotions that depression can make us feel is ashamed and it's quite common - I feel like that a lot on bad days. It isn't rational I know, but then depression isn't rational is it.......

Is your DD spending most of her time in her room? It sounded a bit that way - again this is common in depression - not a good idea I know - but the temptation to hide ourselves away when we feel so bad is hard to resist. It may be that she is too anxious to go out with her friends, or lacks the motivation, any symptom of depression

There is a website you (or she) might find helpful YoungMinds

I really hope your DD gets the help and support she needs. It may be that she needs ADs to help lift her mood before she is able to benefit from therapy, and that's if she is agreeable to going down this route........and group counselling sounds a bit scary for a teenager to be honest. There are many different ADs available now and they do (as I'm sure you know) take 2/3 weeks to take effect and you can feel worse before you feel better, so it's a case of sticking with it really - and GPs usually prescribe a low dose to begin with which doesn't help, and the dose needs to be increased.

Have you had a look at the MIND website - that might be useful.

Thankyou NanaNina for your reply.

Yes she does spend most of her time in her room , she says she can't sleep but then sleeps all day.
If I'm brutally honest i think the depression stems from when her two younger sisters were born, she was 12 and seemingly enjoying life, horseriding, playing cello in the local orchestra and doing well at school. She blatantly dislikes dc3, who is just like she was, yet adores dc4. She started to stop doing these things, apart from being academic within a year or so of dc4 being born. That could be coincidental with gcse stress.
Her friends like pubbing and clubbing and she flatly refuses. Her best friend i think is heading for depression, a whole different thread for that family, and dd will try and offer advice to her in the same way i offer advice to dd. She gets annoyed that friend ignores the advice in exactly the same way dd ignores my advice.
I don't know if that is a good or bad thing to spend so much time with someone who is also struggling with life.

Hi Debs. It's so difficult for you knowing she's is having problems and you love her so much and want to help. Because she is now an adult is makes things so much harder.

I wonder if you have considered going to a therapist by yourself that specialises in young adults.

This might provide you some space to discuss your concerns with a professional and get some guidance on how to best to approach DD.

It may also help you feel that you are 'doing something' - I don't mean this at all disrespectively - as a parent its so frustrating and heartwrenching when your child is ill and you want to do everything in your power to help them. It might also help for you to be able to air your worries with a professional.