Hurting so much

[turquoisedaisy]

Hello, I'm posting because I'm so very unhappy and I don't know who or how to reach out.

Before I start, I will admit that I'm partly giving up. I've had counselling, paid for privately, for months and although it was nice to get things 'off my chest' as it were I haven't found anything has really changed. Also, I won't take any form of prescribed medication for MH issues so please don't tell me to see my GP.

I know people are probably thinking 'how can we help then' and I don't know. I have been in a very black place for a while now where I have been thinking along similar lines - that my situation can't be helped, that it won't change or improve and that really, I want to die. If I am honest I think that's what I do want, except I won't (so please don't report my thread, I am not a 'suicide' risk. I just don't want to live.)

My parents died before I left my teens. That both prematurely aged me - having to be self sufficient and independent - but also bizarrely kept me 'young.' Since I was a teenager when they died, my 'safe' place inside my head was as an adolescent. That's the last time I remember feeling secure. Most people wouldn't guess that: most people would probably describe me as kind, thoughtful, funny, capable. Inside my head, I'm a mess of screaming emotion and self hatred and pity.

I've never had a relationship and I turn 33 on Friday. All I wanted since losing my parents was to recreate security and happiness, and I can't do it, I feel I never will. I feel so ugly and unattractive. Sometimes I don't feel too bad, other times I hate myself so much I start striking myself round my face - hard. I feel angry when I hurt so I hurt myself more. It's almost like I split into two beings - one strong, aggressive person beating up the stupid ugly one.

Every time I think I've found the 'answer' it's just rubbish and a mess.

I wish I could move forwards.

I know, really, knew as I was typing there's nothing. But I will post anyway, if no one minds. I don't mind no replies but PLEASE don't tell me to pull myself together or order me to go to my GP, 'cause I won't.

Hi
I'm not going to order you to go to your GP or tell you to pull yourself together .
I'm not going to make any suggestions , assumptions , promises. I am going to listen and be here if you want to post again.
I am not going to judge you or try to fix you . I am a complete stranger to you but I am here , I can hear you and I want to listen to anything you want to say .

Have you seen a psychiatrist rather than just a counsellor? If not, I would recommend that & see if they have any different advice. They may well be likely to advise meds in conjunction with psychotherapy & could discuss in detail any misgivings you have about taking meds- if you haven't already gone through this with a professional.

What is your reason for not taking them? I had my reasons but eventually ran out of any alternative & had nothing to lose, after about 20yrs & it took three doctors to convince me (not GPs, I never would take them under GP-only guidance) & 6mths after I had been given the actual prescription to start taking them. They are not a cure-all but gave me a bit of relief from the exhausting daily struggle of self-loathing & grinding misery. I wish I had done it earlier.

My psychiatrist said it is often the strongest people that feel they are reaching their limits of coping as they have kept it together for so long & put up with far more than "regular" individuals as generally others will get support from friends & families before stuff gets bad. But eventually it's too much to keep fighting by oneself for so long. A proper care system guided by a good psychiatrist is your best shot, possibly with meds if you have tried everything else.