I feel like I have wasted my life

[incensed]

Does anyone else feel the same way?
I am nearly 36 but feel like an awkward , painfully shy , acne-ridden 15 year old inside . I feel I have been putting on a front all my life and I am sick of it . Sick of feeling so angry , sad, worthless, scared , invisible.
I have a loving husband and two healthy kids who I take things out on when I get so frustrated and upset that I just can't have one day when I don't think other people are 'better' than me, when I don't agonise over how others see me .
My response to this feeling has always been to withdraw , disengage , opt out . This has cost me dearly in terms of career (none) , relationships (feeling I cannot confide in my friends as they are more important than me) and health . I have terrible skin and a spare tyre as I just eat crap when I am feeling down.
I constantly compare myself to other adult women and fall short . I wonder how others have 'got the hang of ' life, achieved their dreams and found happiness when I just feel so inferior and a waste of space.
I am there for everyone and known as kind , gentle and loving but I feel I could never show my pain , fear and anger as I am just not important enough for someone else to be there for me and to show my true self .
I have been seeing a lovely therapist for a year and have made some progress . Day to day , no one knows how I feel .
Sorry for the epic length , just feeling so tired of all the hurt , sadness and pretence tonight
Thanks for reading x

Yes, I'm a bit older but feel the same way. Shit isn't it? I have dysthymia which I found out about from these boards. I've had some improvement from taking ADs but need to start therapy. Have you tried any meds? Unfortunately I think they have made me put on weight, but then again I also think I am rubbish at eating properly, exercising etc so probably it's my fault anyway.

Do you have any insight into why you put on a front? I had a bipolar mother and was abused as a child so think I built it up as a protective mechanism. It's exhausting not to be able to be your true self, it takes so much energy.

I too have forfeited a career despite having everything in place to be a "high flier", turned down an offer for my ideal career despite being headhunted as I thought I couldn't cope with it. People say it's never too late to turn yourself around but if you've been like this your whole life it just can't magically change & then it means all that time was wasted...

Sorry, this isn't helping you! Does your therapist know you are feeling all this? What do they say about dealing with it?

OP, it is natural to feel this way. Many people do. But you need to let go of this beauty ideal, of the constant comparison to other women who you think "have it all". You are what you are and you have what you have. Life isn't a movie. No one is watching you and judging you. Your life isn't being evaluated by anyone except yourself. It is liberating to let go of these harsh ideals that we women set ourselves.

You say you have a lovely husband and two healthy kids. Well to me that doesn't sound like you've failed at all. It sounds wonderful.

This is me to a T. I had kids because I was scared of the alternative because I am quiet and not very emotionally strong and I have no motivation or drive. Now I am depressed, with 2 kids to look after, no career and I just hate my life with a burning intensity. I am completely trapped, few friends, family are tired of me. I have nothing to look forward to. I wish I could press a button and disappear into nothingness.

OP, I hope reading the replies you've received here has reassured you that you are not alone. There's a great book by the American Brene Brown, called The Gifts of Imperfection - Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. The subtitle more or less addresses everything you have expressed (and which so many of us experience).

She focusses a great deal on self-compassion which is what I think we all overlook in our constant effort to look after everyone else in our lives - DH, DCs etc. Also on worrying less about what other people think of us and believing that although we are imperfect, we are enough. It's empowering stuff - I hope you might have a google and maybe watch some of her TED talks there are also several interviews with Oprah on YouTube).

Most of all, please be kind to yourself - as a PP said, you have something great in your life - a wonderful family. That isn't failure and you deserve to feel proud of your achievements .

Incensed - you come across as caring and loving, themselves rich gifts, and also as bright and articulate. I hope you feel you can look forward to a satisfying life, a career that you want to resume or (and you're easily young enough) to start from scratch. Really, you sound as though you have so much to offer.

Please don't compare yourself in the way that you do. I know from experience that the people we compare ourselves to don't necessarily have it so easy or are as comfortable with themselves as we think they are.

The skin and the 'tyre' are, as you know, surface things which you can probably do something about, if you want to. In fact, a good diet would also enhance your mood and wellbeing. Again, I've got into that spiral before and, actually, as things aren't so good at work for me right now, I'm trying to build my resilience by, amongst other things, eating good food.

The loving husband and the children - as others have said, these are great achievements. Think about building on your undoubted strengths. As Sijeun says , self-compassion is overlooked but hugely important for all of us.

Yes! Not alone. Self-spiriling into the pit of gloom and self-hatred. Two years of therapy here & still trying to find the "way out" or the "off" button. Still living in hope to find it one day. No words of wisdom I'm afraid - but I could have written your post (although bad spots in my case rather than severe acne, but 3 spare tyres instead). Safety in numbers ??