Please help, I can't do this anymore, I want to hurt myself

[Nevergoingtolearn]

I can't function, I can't live with myself anymore, I am ruining my children's lives and I can't see anyway forward, I thought things would get easier after splitting with dh but I just can't live with myself, I hate me for how I feel and for what I have done, I want to hurt myself, I can't go into the kitchen as there are knifes in their, I can't trust myself.

I am here. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. Is there anyone you can call to come round?

Dh (ex) is here now, I had no one else to call

That's fine my love, at least you have him with you. I think you should call your GP first thing and make an emergency appointment, tell them how anxious you feel. They will be able to help you. You are not ruining your DC lives, you will get through this, it is a difficult time, but please do call your doctor once you get your anxiety under control it will feel like you can cope a whole lot better. You need some RL support too. xx

He stayed here all day, I feel guilty for putting him through this, he is dealing with his own grief and shouldn't gave to deal with mine too. My head is such a mess, I promised him I would not harm myself as the kids are here. We need to get used to not relying on each other but neither of us really have anyone else to rely on or talk too. The loneliness is killing me , I miss my best friend (dh) but I know we can not be together.

I am glad he stayed with you, it is so hard when you can only talk to eachother, I know.
Do you think maybe doing counselling together on how best to deal with the split could help?
I miss my DH so much, and just want him to come home, so I know how painful it can be and how lonely you feel.
Please remember this feeling will not last forever, it won't, you will slowly get over this. But I do think you should speak to your GP as you want to nip this in the bud before you may start to feel worse.
Keep posting on here too, just having a "rant" can help, when you feel you are at breaking point. Please do speak to someone though, the GP can start the ball rolling in getting you the support you need.

Thank you gemsio, I feel bad as I was the one that ended it, the first few weeks I coped well whilst he was a mess, now it's me that's crashed. A part of me wants him back but I just don't think it could work, things had been bad for a long time, we rarely spoke to each other and were not sharing a bed. I never thought I would miss him this much as we often lived separate lives, we did have good times together though and great times together as a family.

I understand, it is difficult making that final choice that it has to end, and even if you know it's the best thing for you both long term it's still so hard to come to terms with. I suppose it's almost like there was hope of it getting better when you were together? And now it's so final.
Have you considered doing marriage counselling with him? Even if it helps for you to both come to terms with the split.
A similar thing happened with me and my DH, he left me so it was me who had the meltdown to begin with, and now I am feeling a bit better he is struggling. We miss eachother, the chats etc.
And like you I am finding it difficult with the kids. it's a massive adjustment to a life you didn't expect to have, but you will get there.
Be kind to yourself.

Do you think you will get back together gemsio?

It's all so complicated, I have been sleeping with someone else, dh knows this yet he still wants me back, I have feelings for someone else but I am unsure what those feelings really are or if they are anything. I can't bring myself to stop seeing the other bloke even though I know it won't go anywhere. A big part of me just wants to take dh back, be a family again but I am so worried that I won't be happy if we get back together ever though he has promised he will change.

I don't know if me and my DH will get back together, he was the one who wanted to leave so it is complicated, I want to and he just said he didn't know what the future will hold.
Your DH obviously wants to work things out with you, but like you said you need things to change. I really think some counselling as a couple would really help. it would help you get a better handle on things and give you a clearer picture on what you both want and need to happen.
It is difficult when there is someone else involved, is it a pure physical relationship or are there feelings for you there?
I know how you feel about wanting to have your family back together, it's painful.
Maybe what you need is to still be seperated and maybe spend a little time together to see if he does change? x

I have suggested counselling together but he thinks this will just give him false hope of getting back together. I really don't know what I want, I do have feelings for this other man but I think for him it's just physical so chances are it won't go anywhere, I can't bring myself to walk away from him though and I keep going back, a small part of me is telling me to walk way from the other man and get my family back but the truth is I was not happy with dh, I had been miserable for a long time but the last few weeks we were together he tried really hard to fix this, maybe I should have given him more of a chance?

Anyway, today dh has been texting me saying he can not carry on, I though I was going to have to call the police , I do care about him, he is the father of my children and I want him to be ok, I'm so worried that we are both going to end up sectioned and we will lose the dc's. I need to be strong for them.

Hi, sorry didn't reply yesterday. It is a difficult situation when you are both feeling so low, have you been in touch with your GP yet? I think really that is your next step to get yourself back on track mentally then you can deal with all the relationship stuff with a clearer head.
I think a bit of time apart will give you some perspective you need, to decide what you want.
You can still support eachother like you say you both have a interest in the other being well as you have children together.
How are you feeling today? x

Thank you, I saw a out of hours go yesterday and have to go and see my GP tomorrow or Wednesday, dh did the same ( hopefully we won't bump into each other at the doctors ).

I have had a better day today, have managed to get out with the dc's without having a panic attack, dh has hardly been in touch but is seeing the dc's later when I pop out for a couple hours then we won't see him until the end of the week or weekend.

He phoned me last night and we ended up arguing about him seeing the dc's so I told him I didn't want to discus it anymore and told him to hang up , in a way it made things easier as it reminded me what a twat he can actually be and this is why I ended it.

Sounds like my weekend, my DH turned up two hours late to see the kids, then stayed for an hour and buggered off to a BBQ, even though he had told my DD he would take her to the park.
Hope you get in to see the GP soon, and great you got out and had some fun with your DC, thats what it's all about isn't it?
Well, keep in touch if you need to have a rant or chat during the week. x

Thank you, so nice to talk to someone going through the same xx

didn't want to read & run ... without sending to both of you. I'm not in a good place at the moment, and crave support from others, so need to offer a bit of support in return.

Sorry to hear this bath, it does help having a bit of online hand holding when you need it. x

Still finding this all so hard, the being alone thing is really getting to me ( this is what starts me thinking about having him back but I know it's for the wrong reason ), I hate my own company, hate being alone and hate waking up alone. My anxiety levels are so high that I keep having panic attacks, I have beta blockers but they don't always help, going to see my GP tomorrow and ask for more help.

I'm going out with a friend tonight, I wish I could do this every night as it means I don't have to be on my own but I know it's not possible as I have kids to look after. I wish I could fast forward a few months and get through the pain and loneliness, I wish I could enjoy my own company .

I have not heard from dh today and I kind of miss it, I know we need to spend time apart so we can get used to being alone but I miss telling him things, telling him what the dd's are doing and what I have been up to. I'm sure this will get easier in time but at the moment it's so hard .

I hear you honey, could've written this myself today, I have been having bouts of just being so angry at him for leaving, I am so lonely too.
Glad you are getting out tonight and seeing the GP tomorrow, don't hold back on how things are and how you are feeling.
You will get through this, whatever happens you will get through it. Be strong and enjoy yourself tonight.x

Sending you hugs too gemsio, things can only get better, they can't get much worse xxx

Exactly, try and stay positive.x

Struggling this morning, waiting to phone the GP ( clock watching ), I have nothing planned today which doesn't help , anxiety at a all time high and beta blockers not doing anything.

hey, did you get through to the GP? how are you feeling now? xx

Have been to the GP ,have been given antidepressants and have to go back in a couple weeks. Feeling a little bit better, gave been out with the dc's and we are going to get a take away later ( seem to be living on take always at the moment ), still finding the evenings and early mornings the hardest.

Spoke to dh this morning and he seems to be moving forward though he still hasn't been brave enough to move into his flat and is still staying with a friend, he is hoping to move in next week.

That's good, sounds like it all moving forward positively. Glad you saw the GP, give the anti depressants time to work, and its good you are having a follow up appointment.
Don't worry about the takeaways, at least you are eating. fancy one myself! Have a relaxing evening, here if you need to chat. x