Sorry I keep posting on here. I just want to vent, no-one needs to feel obliged to reply.
I have actually given up on getting any help from mental health services.
I am desperate.
Frankly I do nothing for the world and it wouldn't matter if I wasn't here.
My life is ruined. I have no chance of having a decent career or dc, for objective reasons.
I have nothing to go on for.
About 3 weeks ago I tried seriously to end it, requiring medical intervention, but was just allowed to leave hospital with no extra help. I feel they don't care, think I was just attention-seeking, or both.
I am under CMHT which is more than some people get, I don't want to be ungrateful but I need more help atm.
I went back to A&E a week ago, hadn't done anything to harm myself but felt on the verge...no point. Psych liaison guy clearly just wanted the BPD freak out of there. Fobbed me off with a diazepam. I was very anxious, socially anxious so I hate going and being expected to spill your guts to a stranger anyway...was scared of being sectioned...I just never know what to say to be taken seriously, but not so seriously it goes towards admission etc when I don't need that atm. Also I just got a cat, so can't be admitted 
poor baby deserves a better cat mummy than me anyway.
He patronisingly told me well done for coming in and not doing anything as according to him I have 'been impulsive' in the past and all that shit 
um, actually what happened was I tried and tried to get help before I acted, was dismissed, and they seem surprised and think I was impulsive when I finally did act 
My care co-ordinator won't take me seriously either. She means well enough I guess but does the 'look on the bright side' crap - atm I can't. I just want her to acknowledge that I feel awful and am a risk to myself.
I get no other help. I have physical health issues, CMHT don't seem to believe this. I had an awful bug recently, throat infection, just knocked me out to the point I couldn't move from sofa...I missed psychiatrist appointment due to this...of course CMHT are punishing me like a naughty child by shortening next appointment which isn't for ages anyway and I really need help...in tears typing this.
I must not be speaking English. I have said to them so many times I am genuinely suicidal, and been dismissed. I can't keep doing it.
I am tired of life.
I don't know, I probably should never have been born.