Don't want to be here

[TaintedRoseBlessing]

Just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Thought things were looking up but I just can't face being around anymore.
It's not like I want to die, I just don't want to exist. I wish, for the time being that I could just go somewhere and not feel things.

Am I crazy????

No you are not crazy, how long have you been feeling like this for?

A while. Things have been bad for a strong 2/3 years but got really bad around Christmas time. Been trying to pretend I haven't felt this way but some days it gets too much..

I totally understand, I have felt like this before the last time being quite recently. It is difficult, you just feel like you need a break from yourself.
Have you spoken to anyone about it or been to your GP? xx

Sorry to hear but glad you understand.
Yeah, been to the GP a couple of times before. felt extremely patronised and was put on anti depressants both times (different meds both times) but ended up stopping quite quickly after on each occasion, because of generally not feeling like I am worth getting better.

Just feel hopeless and have no purpose in society. it would make no difference if I was or wasn't here..

It's horrid but it is the illness speaking. Not you. If you were well you wouldn't feel like this. Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to do what is necessary to get better. But better is all there is to look forward to.
Please see GP. Please seek help. Please take meds.
It's shit. It doesn't always have to be shit.

Wolfiefan thank-you so much for this. Really needed it tonight

Oh I know how you can be made to feel my love. it is so difficult when you feel like meds are just flung at you, I have been on and off them for years.
It does take a while for them to start working and sometimes it makes a difference on which ones you take.
You don't need to feel like this. please go to your docs again and explain just what you have said on this thread, they will help you.
How are you feeling this morning? xxx

gemsio I'm just frightened. Am having weekly counselling, which is great to be able to talk but I don't feel like ever say the things I really need too. I never tell her how I feel right now because of what the reaction might be.

I'm really tired. Haven't had much sleep and have to go to work at 10, where I get to enjoy the company of my terrifying boss. I wish I could just hibernate in my bed forever!!

Oh Tainted, it is so hard to say how you really feel, but remember they will have heard it all before and probably worse. It is important for you to open up to them and say you feel as they will then have the whole picture and will be able to do whats best to help. it's great you are having counselling, and they are there to help you no matter what you tell them.
I know how hard it is as well, when you feel like this and then have to deal with a horrible boss have been there myself, it's hard to do but just try and zone out from it, hard I know.
Don't be frightened this can and will get better, you just need to start talking about how you really feel it will help you so much.
I spent a long time holding back from how I was really feeling to doctors etc, and the minute I started really talking that's when I was helped the most.
Just take each day as it comes, get through work today and then deal with this evening. if you need to talk tonight I will be here if you need to. xx

gemsio Thank-you!! Another weekend almost over with, which is always good.

Haven't had many sessions with my counsellor so I guess I'm still building trust with her. I think the problem is I've built trust with people before, spoken about how I'm really feeling and it's made things worse / had horrible consequences. So I guess I'm just very reserved with what I tell people.

Just got home from work and I don't know whether to go out and see people or stay home by myself. It's like the littlest things become such hard decisions for me and it's frustrating not knowing what you want or how you feel.

Thank-you for being so lovely!

I totally get that, glad you got through work okay.
Go out, see some friends.
I know how you feel about opening upto people it's knowing who to trust isn't it?
I bet after a few more sessions with your counsellor you will feel more at ease with bringing up certain things just give yourself time to build that trust, it is hard when you just feel like you can make up your mind about the little things, I know I have stood in front of the fridge before in tears because I couldn't decide on what to have for my tea! seems rediculous but at the time it was so damn hard.
Keep going you will get there, and if you decide to stay in and get a bit lonely and want to chat, I will check on the thread this eve, if you need to chat. x