Anyone left a partner who has MH issues

[Elecare]

Just that really. Want was the final straw?

We have DS (whom DP is a very good dad to) but his MH issues mean I am effectively a parent to him too. He is depressed, anxious and generally short tempered. I am exhausted emotionally and physically. He wants more attention from me but I work full time to maintain us and have DS to care for too. I can keep going for now but I don't want this to be my life forever. Feel selfish saying that. He is different to the person I was with and planned a family and future with. Can this just be the MH issues?

He is on medication and goes regularly for counselling but there has been no impact.

what do you mean when you ask if it's 'just MH issues'? What other problems do you think there might be?

May I ask how long he's been on meds and also receiving counseling?

I mean is it the MH issues that have caused the complete change in personality and therefore if treated effective the might go back towards being the person he was.

He has been ill about 18 months and on treatment 6 months. I realise treatment can take time but he seems worse rather than better. Much more anxiety and I can't get him to go to anything social anymore.

And in fact for the first time ever he asked me not to go out with friends on my own last week. He has never asked me to do that. He seemed so bad I stayed in.

It took 4.5 years to get my medication right after being diagnosed bipolar. I had good times during then, but there were other times when the meds and illness made me worse. What is your DH's diagnosis?

My DH has been under a lot of pressure when I've been ill, especially when he's on suicide watch. Thankfully, he understands that I no more choose to feel that way than somebody would choose to have flu.

And, yes, when well, I am the same person I used to be. Depression can change the way you see everything--the most all-consuming darkness that makes just existing unbearably painful.

It took some time for me to get my confidence back after I first got ill. I wasn't sure whether I was the same person. It can take a very, very long time to recover---6 months is a blink of an eye when it comes to MI.

Thank you for some perspective scissors.

He is having a really bad time at the moment and there has been no glimmer of the old him for some time so I have been losing my way with it all. I think I thought the meds and therapy would kick in after a few months and we would be back to "normal".

Diagnosis is actually post natal depression as it all ties in with DS arriving but to be honest it started during pregnancy when the reality of having a baby kicked in. Then when DS did arrive it brought up lots of childhood issues for DP with his own father. Things just seem to snowball.

It's torture to see him this way so I can't imagine what it is like for him. I just don't feel I have the capacity to keep going like this forever of even years at the moment.

I

Ok, so obviously therapy is an important thing for him. Is he being tested by a GP? It's very, very common to have to try multiple medications--what he's taking now may not be the best one for him. I think I've worked my way through about 15 different meds, although treating bipolar tends to be more complicated than unipolar depression.

"Treated" by a GP, not tested.

Yes, his GP is great. He is on his second lot of medication as the first had some side effects he didn't like.

I hadn't realised it could take a while to get the meds right. I wonder if they just need a change. Or even an addition to help with anxiety.

I think the problem with finding the right med/meds is that deeply ingrained depression can leave you uncertain about what is 'normal.' So people can continue being mild-moderately depressed, but don't realise because the depression has destroyed their identity, their sense of self, their understanding of how life should be. I know when I'm depressed, it can become very 'normal'. Im often amazed by how I feel when the low shifts--I feel light, I have energy, I feel love, there is colour back in the world.

Sorry, waffling here--my point being that if the depression becomes 'normal', it's very difficult to realise the meds aren't working. If that makes sense?

Hi Elecare.

Sorry you are going through this. It must be absolutely draining for you.

The thing that stands out to me is that your DP is actively getting help. I think, for this reason, you can hope and believe things WILL get better, even though they might take a while.

Perhaps you could ask your GP for some support groups for you. Do you have any family who can look after your child so you can have some me time?

My partner also suffered with mental illness shortly after our 2 kids were born. The difference is that he did not really seek adequate help and ended up self medicating with copious amounts of skunk which did not help at all. I couldn't see an end in sight and after a lot of moral to-ing and fro-ing in my head, I threw him out.

Thankfully, yours and your DP's situation sounds more positive.

Please look out for your DS though. Whilst my DP's short temper and moods have seemed so far to have left my youngest relatively unscathed, my oldest is quite clingy and has rather low self-esteem, much of which I put down to the influence of his father's mental illness on our family life.

A friend left her bipolar DH after many years of emotional abuse. She felt some or even a lot of his behaviour could have been due to illness, and he did get help and at times was oK, but over a long term felt it was all too damaging for her and the DC.

As far as I'm concerned, emotional or physical abuse can never be excused--but I also believe that this is most commonly a product of personality than purely a symptom of mental illness. I've always worked very hard to minimise the impact of my bipolar on the kids. I'm pretty good at putting a face on for them & they've never seen me in a mess. When I get too bad, I go to hospital rather than them see me so bad. I think the most potentially damaging behaviour as a parent is for a child to witness anger. Thankfully, I never get angry, but it can be a big part of MI. As said above, it seems like your DH is doing everything he can.

Some practical suggestions--

Is there a MIND drop-in centre or something like that for your Dh to use? Depression can be so isolatin. The more support he can find, the more it takes a bit of pressure off you.
Is there a carer's support group that you may be able to attend?
Try to push your DH to keep a routineeven if it's very simply getting dressed by 10am, having lunch at 1pm etc. Try to find some activities that he can doadult colouring-in books are quite good if concentration is bad. Try to build in a bit of exercise into his day--it's good for improving mood, is good for having a routine, boosts vitamin d.

My CPN always talks about setting 'goal oriented activities' when I'm low. Even if it's small things like going for a walk, or putting the dishwasher on. Anything to help feel a sense of control and purpose.
Would he consider trying mindfulness? It can really help with anxiety.

There's an awful lot that can be done besides meds and seeing a therapist once a week. Slowly rebuilding a sense of purpose, connecting with people who understand what you're going through are all really important for recovery. At the same time, when depressed it's important to be kind to yourself, understand that some days just getting dressed is a huge achievement, that some days will be bad, others will be even worse, but here will also be good days.

Scissors you've got me thinking that perhaps the new meds aren't working. There was definitely an effect with the first and then had to change. His GP may suggest trying another or going back to the first and put up with the side effects which are no where near as bad as the effects of depression. I have signed him up for a mindfulness course after a recommendation. He starts soon and seems ok about going. I really have zero time for something for me and am using online things as much as possible.

Astronaut- we decided DS should go to nursery when I was working and family aren't available for Childcare. That has helped too. However, it does impact on family life and it is something i am keeping an eye on. His temper is always directed to me and never to DS. He is not physically aggressive ever.

His usual personality is laid back, kind, empathic and would do anything for anyone. He never lost his temper or even raised his voice. I am hoping all the changes are due to his health.

I know that I had a complete lack of patience, was irratitable and angry when my depression was at its worst. I pretty much returned to normal on ADs and even got my sense of humor back.
Please take heart, it will happen. I tried three different ADs before finding the right ones. Also finding the right dosage is equally important. Unfortunately, it's different for everyone, so is very much trial and error. If you GP is unsuccessful, he will refer DP on to a psychiatrist (as they are the med specialists) so please take heart.
Your doing amazing. Make sure you plan some regular 'me' time to give you some much needed respite - can be little but often.

scissors, thank you, your post about how you feel after a depressive episode really resonates with me. I find it helpful to read similar stories to my own.

OP, sorry to interrupt, and good luck to you and your family . I do appreciate that I can be very difficult for DH to live with at times. All the best.

If he's undergone such a personality change, I would hazard a guess that this is a product of depression. It can really skew how you see loved ones. When I get very low, I become very emotionally detached from people around me. People think that depression is all about being hyper-emotional, but it can also be the other way around. I get to the point where it seems my brain has just shut down--I don't feel anyhjng for my kids or husband. I find this really distressing as I know I should feel something, but I'm just empty. I think it's a type of self-preservation, where my brain jus gets to the point where it can't take any more. I can promise you that the feeling and my normal self comes back once I'm better. I always feel the most incredible relief when I hug my girls and I actually feel the love for them inside.

Is this the first time your DH has been depressed? I know when I first became ill (at first it was PND and six months later I was diagnosed with bipolar) that it was very confusing and I didn't have s clue what was happening to me. Everything I've said above about how the depression affects me is that I've been through so many episodes that I've learnt how to deal with them.

I think having someone to talk to who understands depression and can help your DH understand what's happening and develop coping strategies. Because I am considered to have a 'severe and enduing MI, in under the community mental health team. I see the consultant pdoc and have a community psychiatric nurse (CPN) that I see. Having a CPN is so helpful (providing their good at what they do). Having that professional support and an opportunity to share how I feel makes a huge diffenerce. I know some GP practices have a CPN I don't know whether this might be a help? They can be very good at including partners. We were offered family counselling when I first became illnot sure whether anything is available to you?

Services are so stretched at the moment that sometimes you need to be an advocate who can speak up and demand support and attention. If you drift through being depressed and don't shout up and stamp your feet, services will often just let you continue suffering. If things don't improve for your DH, push for a referral to a psychiatrist. Many GPs have a fairly basic understanding of how to treat MI and will often only prescribe ADs, rather than considering other options/additions.

Finally (& I hope this isn't the case for you), I tried a number of ADs when first diagnosed with PND. I just wasn't getting betterin fact, I was getting worse. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar-I had never had any depression before, but it seems that the bipolar was triggered by hormones and the antidepressants. If you get to the point of trying 3-4 antidepressants and they haven't helped, your DH needs to be seen by a psychiatrist. He shouldn't have to stagger through lifehe can get betterbut it seems that those who shout loudest get the support. Those who are too ill or don't have anybody to demand better care are left behind.

Sorry for the essay! Hope some of it is useful.

Ps. Sorry for so many typos! I'm on my phone.