Very low, but want to do something. What first?

[BigBirthdayGloom]

I'm in a real trough at the moment, have a history of anxiety and depression and had been really well but feeling very low at the moment and having lots of negative thoughts at the moment. I described it to dh last night as though I had been fighting off the odd thought with well established cbt things I'd learnt but now it was like me against an army. I'm preoccupied with the fact that my closest friend has had enough of me when in reality she's just got to focus on family and work and our luxurious chat and coffee sessions (a whole morning a week!) have been postponed. I know in my head that it is nothing to do with me, but because I'd had a couple of open chats with her, I've decided I'm too needy and age doesn't want the hassle. That kind of nonsense.
I'm going to see the gp next week, am on citalopram and recently concerta for adhd, but I want to try and do something, small to help myself. At the moment I just want to, and have done, go back to bed as soon as dc at school or preschool. I can't focus well enough to do much. And when I do something positive, like having a well needed clearout, I'm plagued with thoughts of it not being good enough,being trivial, how everyone else does better.
What small thing can I do of all the positive things that are suggested as self help? I am very aware that I'll be faking it til I make it-I feel very worthless and pointless but I'm just clinging on enough to tell myself (not believing it) that I am unwell and this will pass.
I feel I need to distance myself from this friend but perversely I crave contact and reassurance. I desperately don't want to suffocate her and push her away.

Ah BBG I know exactly how you feel about your friend and feeling generally crap. I too have a history of depression and anxiety which fluctuates, from day to day and through the day, worse in the morning. There is no trigger, the bad days just arise out of nowhere and like you I just can't be bothered with anything, the duvet is a bit of comfort.

Mind I don't have small children (am a grandmother!) and I just don't know you poor moms of kids manage with the torment of depression. I can't even be bothered with the cats when the bad days come. I suppose you have no option really but I salute you - I really do.

I used to have a wide circle of friends and this diminished once I retired as a lot of my friends were work friends and still working full time, so not a lot of time left over. Since my relapse in 2010 my life has sort of "closed down" and I do very little. I have a good family, supportive DP (of 40 years - duration - not age!) and sons, dils and lovely grandchildren but my friends seems to have fallen by the wayside and like you I'm sure they've had enough of me as I can never be sure when I can keep to arrangements. I don't moan to them about my illness as I only see people when I'm feeling ok. but I feel very hurt that people who I have supported in the past are not there for me now - although they were when I first relapsed - I suppose 5 years is enough for anyone. I feel this more keenly when I'm having a bad day (like today) and when I feel better I can rationalise that they are busy etc etc. I used to be a very outgoing confident person who never questioned what people thought about me - just assumed it was positive. Now - well I have so much self doubt and hate it - it's this bloody mental illness that makes us feel like this I know.

Depression makes us feel worthless and hopeless and it's hard to believe that these thoughts are just symptoms - nothing more and nothing less, when the bad days come. And just for good measure it chucks in another trick - makes us feel we will never get better or have good days again, and of course we do.

Not sure what you can do about your friend. Can you maybe send a short e mail saying you know she's busy but would love to see her when she's got a "window" (think that's quite a common expression these days) Mind I sent out 4 e mails like that beginning of last week and haven't heard a peep...........SO there you go! As for getting through this trough I think you should be kind to yourself and if you want to go back to bed then go - it does ease the pain a little doesn't it as we can somehow shut out the world. I know it's frowned upon by CPNs and medics but until you've experienced the torment of mental illness you can have no idea how it feels.

Take care and YES there will be brighter days ahead, for you and me!

Gosh, I feel so much better this evening! I actually rang the Samaritans today because I needed to talk to a real person who was actually expecting to talk to someone low and it was really helpful with none of the angst associated with sharing/over sharing with a friend. Actually managed some work this afternoon. Hopefully tonight will be better too. I think I need counselling-not my poor friends who are meant to be for day to day joy and woe sharing. Don't expect them to mend broken legs-and I need experts to mend my mental health too.