Just want a moan

[mawbroon]

I have a diagnosis of bipolar and have had psychosis in the past. I have been stable for a couple of years and have been able to work part time doing a fab job as well as doing the school runs, football, swimming, play dates etc

I have been under a lot of stress recently with school admissions (won't bore you with the details) and the familiar brain churning has started again.

I have spoken to my psychiatrist and increased my medication and am only doing the bare minimum because it is all I can cope with.

I have to write a letter to ds1's teacher saying that he hasn't done his homework because I have been struggling this week and my kids have had a few sleep overs at granny's because I can't cope and nobody else has thought to remind him about his homework.

I hate feeling like this. Bloody illness. I had a fleeting suicidal thought last night which really upset me.

I thought I was well forever. It has made me feel really fragile

I can't say anything to make it better but didn't want to read and run - thinking of you.

I hear you. What it might help to hold onto is that you recognised the warning signs and got help. That is a wonderful and brilliant thing to do when your brain is turning against you. I think you should be very proud of yourself if you can. I have also been in the position of explaining why my children haven't done homework/returned paperwork etc because I'm not coping due to mental health problems. Most teachers understand. And I'm completely sure your kids would rather have you as their mum, exactly as you are, than anyone else. When are you next seeing psychiatrist? Can you tell him/her about the suicidal thoughts?

My psychiatrist is on holiday this week, but he said if I needed to then I could speak to his colleagues. If I am doing ok, then I will wait until next week when I have an appointment.

I've only had one suicidal thought so far. I was deciding how many anti psychotic tablets to take the other night (psychiatrist left the decision up to me within a range of 150 to 250mgs) and this intrusive thought came into my mind that I should just take them all and be done with it. Horrible. The little voice telling me this can just fuck off. I'm not going anywhere and leaving my kids.

I feel ok this morning so far, but there are no kids here. It's easy to feel just fine when I don't have to do anything.