Help me decide - go back on citalopram?

[Arcadia]

I have found this board so helpful over the years and more helpful than GP/friends, so here goes...

I was on citalopram for about two years. It wasn't the lowest I had been when I went on them, but I had a few issues going on and just felt like I needed some help. I went down from 20mg to 10mg after a year, then came off them completely (tapering off etc.) two months ago.

Without them, I feel a bit miserable. I feel dissatisfied and question things more. I feel more paranoid about what people think of me. I feel more separate from the world and friends/family. I have less motivation. I feel less happy with my relationship.

I don't know whether this is still withdrawal symptoms, but to be honest I have always felt like this from my mid-teens. It is not full on depression as such, just how I am.

In my family, my dad took his own life in his early forties when I was 13, so this has coloured by life. My mum has always been depressed but doesn't take anything but very reliant on alternative therapies and generally down and lacking in energy. My brother is in and out of therapy for anxiety/depression and my sister is quite emotional and finds life difficult too.

If I go back on them, I feel it will be a permanent thing because it is how I am rather than an illness.

Any thoughts? Thanks if you have got this far. I know that there are people suffering much more than me.

Hi Arcadia,
working out whether or not to when you feel as you describe is a tough call.
Have you tried the mood lifting plan? Can't remember its name but its online in a few places. It is, roughly:

Exercise: do 20 mins vigorous exercise minimum each day
Daylight: get one hour minimum fresh air each day, around noon in winter if possible.
Affirmations and meditation: do these for 10-20 mins each day either first thing on waking or on commute (if public transport) or last things at night.
Diet: eat fresh food, drink lots of water, limit sugar and alcohol as they create mood swings
Contact: make sure you catch up with one loved one every day, not just DC but an adult friend or relative too. Make sure it's face to face contact at least 3 times a week - even if just for a quick coffee or dog walk. Otherwise by phone, Skype or email.
Happy diary: make sure there is something to look forward to in your diary at least once a week, and stick to doing it.
Mood lifting relaxation: listen to happy upbeat music, watch comedies and feelgood movies or cute nature programmes, turn off the news.
Emotional fitness: do Mood Gym or CBT training a few times a week, and practise what you learn in between sessions.

These things can pull you out of mild depression or help the transition out of ADs.
If you can't face doing them - too much effort, or they don't work, or you get worse, then it's an indicator that you do need a bit of chemical help again.

They are particularly well worth doing if you come from a family of depressives, as your trained pattern of behaviour may be towards the negative, and you may need a lot of self-teaching to counteract depressive habits.

Hi silveracorn thanks for the long reply. I do quite a bit of exercise already, as much as I can fit in with DD and work, as I cycle to and from work, do Zumba and yoga every week. I can't really get on with meditation/CBT. Have had counselling in the past, different types at different times including CBT. I eat a pretty good diet and don't drink much but don't eat so healthily when feeling like this so I suppose it is a vicious cycle.
Socially, I hate feeling negative and it makes me not want to impose it on others, so for example don't feel like going out tonight but maybe I should. I don't want to be the miserable whingey friend.
We are going away on holiday next week and when we get back I think I will give it a week or two to see how I am feeling after that (not just post holiday comedown!) before deciding about going back on.
I have spent years putting up with my own moods and it was so nice having a break from it on the ADs. I just don't know if I want to be on them permanently, and I don't want to go through the side effects of going on and off them again.

ask you rdrfor escitalopram . mmuch better thoughmore expesivr

Arcadia, I know what you mean about it being lovely to have a break from your moods. I'm off citalopram right now. Have been for a year, having been on it for a very long time. But I spend a lot of time each day on that mood balancing stuff I outlined (which I now can't find a link for.) It takes hours every day just to stop my mind from charging off into violent mood swings. It's very tiring.

Were you getting bad side effects on citalopram? I gained a lot of weight and slowed down to snail's pace. My brain stopped functioning so in the end I had to come off. Those early days are great though, when you just feel well, with no side effects.

Hi silver I didn't really get side effects on 10mg. On 20mg I felt them though. The only thing I notice is that my short term memory is a bit better off them. I didn't gain weight either. So really it would be no harm for me to stay on them but then again I don't think I am ill as such, so it seems like I should learn to regulate my moods myself, I just don't want to have to work at it though!
What dose were you on?