Do you ever get a picture in your head of how you WANT to be? how you think you SHOULD be but just can't get the motivation to be?
Just lately it seems like everything is falling apart and I sometimes feel like I can't be bothered to save it which I know is wrong. The house is a tip, it's a tiny council house with only two rooms downstairs (living room and kitchen) so the living room gets messed up very quickly and no matter how hard I try I just can't keep on top of it. The couch is always cluttered with mess and there is usually one of the kid's dirty clothes on the floor. There is always a huge pile of ironing that needs doing but as I hate ironing it just gets left to grow bigger by the day...then we never have any clothes when we need them which means we're usually late for whatever it is we're supposed to be doing whilst I do some last minute ironing. My bedroom is also a tip, my desk is full of chocolate wrappers which I fill myself with each night as if it's my only source of enjoyment, luckily I don't put weight on easily but I feel frumpy, I'm not overweight but I'm not toned like I want to be, I'm only 25 so I have the ability to be how I want but just cant be bothered to try, every morning I think "Ill make an effort today" but half way through straightning my hair I think "whats the point? it will look a mess by 10am anyway" and I just tie it back and go out as my plain Jane self, as always.
The kids bedrooms are always a mess, I try my best to keep them tidy but at the same time I want them to learn to tidy them themselves which never happens so I end up giving them a good tidy on a weekend just for them to come home from their dads and instantly turn them upside down again, I feel like they're taking the piss sometimes which is wrong as they're only little.
Apart from the house I feel I'm a bad parent, I am constantly losing my temper with the kids, at my worst I shout and swear like a fishwife, god knows what the neighnbours think...I have a very short fuse lately but they seem so badly behaved lately, I feel I'm losing control of them, my once impecibly behaved 7 year old is now cheeky, rude and arrogent not to mention lazy but I know it's my fault as I never spend time with them, when we get home from school I usually rush onto the PC and chat on forums, usually about parenting ironically whilst my kids are sat on their own on the playstation or watching tv. I think to myself "Ill get the monopoly board out..." but when it comes to it I can never be bothered. I've tried keeping the PC turned off and forcing myself to stay downstairs with the kids but I get incredibly bored with the silly, tedious tv programs and DVD's that we've seen 100 times each.
The annoying thing is I KNOW the kind of parent I want to be, I want to be organised, clean uniforms ready in a morning that the boys slip into easily so we can all leave the house in plenty of time with no rush or panic...I know all I need to do is get them ready the night before so why do I never do it?
When the kids come in from school I KNOW they shouldnt be left on their own whilst I prat about on the pc, I know I should set up a timetable or some kind of chart...homework...playtime...tea time...bath time...bed time... it sounds so easy and simple so why dont I do it? why can I never be bothered to do the simplist of things?
Nothing is organised, nothing is done properly, I'm mean to the kids when they're all I live for, what is wrong with me?
I know people are going to suggest that I'm depressed but I really don't feel depressed, I have nothing to be depressed about. I just feel so stressed out and lazy.