Help, please...

[ptsdhell]

I’m a namechanging regular but not on this board before. I need help and I don’t know where else to turn. I need advice on whether there really is no help ‘out there’.
I have delayed onset complex ptsd, have done for about 6 years. It’s hell. I had short term counselling about 2 years ago, that the NHS therapist pushed to 15 sessions (meant to be 6) and it helped, but basically scratched the surface. I am in hell with insomnia, flashbacks, nightmares. Since a complete breakdown in Sept I am now on the waiting list for longer term therapy (up to a year). The earliest I’ll be at the top of that waiting list is July. I have a phobia of medical intervention (tied up to the cause of the ptsd) but have chronic long term health problems, so it’s a complete nightmare. I’ve been suicidal for about 2 months, actually probably more, but the GP (via my husband, and a bit directly, as I can’t see him now without a panic attack) has said there’s no help out there but to wait for the long term therapy, try Samaritans, try switching my anti-depressants (but I’m terrified I’ll get worse). I spent a few weeks in email contact with the Samaritans, but I just found myself feeling worse (they wanted me to talk about the cause of the ptsd and I don’t know how when I’m on my own behind a computer screen, it’s terrifying). I’m now constantly battling the urge to give in. Every day is a cycle of breaking it down in to 10 minutes at a time, and just getting through 10 minutes… but now I can’t even manage that. The only thing that stops me is knowing that my children will be left so damaged and I can’t do that to them. But I feel such a failure as a mum at the moment so I’m losing that ‘reasoning’. It’s all so hard, I’m desperate for help but my GP has basically said there’s none out there, I have to just wait until I get to the top of the waiting list for longer term therapy – that might or might not work. I’m scared I’m not going to get as far as long term therapy at this rate ? Can anyone advise? Is there really nothing that can help me short term to actually get as far as the longer term therapy?

Ok, deep breath, I was struggling to catch my breath reading that, you sound so anxious, you poor thing :(
Have you looked into private therapy, if only to get you to the point to which NHS therapy becomes available? I have no idea of your financial situation, but many therapists offer reduced-fee sessions, if this is a concern.

Can you see another GP? Would they refer you back to counselling?

Unfortunately we can't afford private therapy. If we could we would. We're quite worried about money as it is, and gradually sliding in to debt, so really can't have any more outgoings. I am anxious - so anxious, all the time. It never stops. I'm like a tightly coiled spring due to the flashbacks that come from nowhere and now feeling like I'm fighting the will to live.

I think trying to see another GP would be even worse. At least with my current one I don't have to explain. But I do find myself thinking "really, you've known I've felt suicidal on/off for months with 3 young kids and you've not once picked up a phone to check I'm actually still alive" - but then I think, how ridiculously woe is me is that - I'm guessing he's had no contact as there's nothing he can do.