Why can't I help myself?

[qumquat]

I know I need to eat sensibly and exercise and sleep and stop beating myself up and relax. Every day I try to look after myself. Every day I fail. I binge, I don't sleep because I haven't exercised, but then I'm too tired to exercise because I haven't slept. I've read every self help book in the world and had counselling till it comes out of my ears but I can't change. I am a depressed anxious sleepless bingeing mess. So I hate myself more and more every day for not being able to change. I have a 16 month old dd and she is so happy; I know day by day she will learn misery from me and I can't forgive myself for that. Sometimes I think of committing suicide so she doesn't have my influence, but I know that would mess her up too. So she's fucked either way. How can I make myself change????

Have you ever been to your gp about this? The binging sounds like you may have an eating disorder.
Have you been on any medication?

Yes I have an eating disorder, I've also been diagnosed with depression and gad and OCD. But none of it matters when in the end you have to help yourself and I can't. I'm on citalopram and have been for several years, not sure if it does anything. Thanks for answering, I'm feeling a bit better I won't kill myself, but I wish I had done years ago when I first got ill.

You sound very similar to me in lots of ways. I've just posted a thread on Aibu and one of the responses was that the well meaning advice to look after yourself is impossible when you're that unwell-do something to cherish yourself instead. I am taking that advice-it did come from a health care professional. The best thing I did last week was buy a new mascara and have my hair done. But also, acknowledging that you're unwell and that it's not your fault would work too and that you might address the other stuff later

It might be worthwhile looking for a nutritionist who understands the links between body chemistry, gut bacteria and state of mind. Apparently there is a recognised link between poor gut bacteria and OCD. Research GAPS diet (gut and psychology syndrome).