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Mental health

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Original poster

i hate my life

39 replies

bella93 · 03/05/2015 15:39

my son died suddenly in january just a few weeks before his third birthday and we found out through autopsy that he had an inoperable brain tumour. I would have killed myself probably if I didn't have my daughter as I know she needs me but I am being a crappy mum for her and I just think she deserves better than me
I just keep having flashbacks to the night that my son died and I can't handle it, if I'm dead these thought would stop.. i wouldn't feel this pain anymore. i just don't know what to do, my relationship with my husband is falling apart too and i don't feel like I can turn to him anymore. I just want this all to end. i want my son back I still cant believe hes gone with no warning at all he was laughing and smiling just a few hours before. it feels like I cant breathe

OP posts:

opheliaria · 09/05/2015 09:10

Bella, on the Bereavement board there are quite a few people who have lost little ones.

This lady wrote extensively about her little girl who passed;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1346658-My-beautiful-red-headed-13-month-daughter-died-totally-unexpectedly?pg=40

getbusyliving · 09/05/2015 09:26

Hi Bella, There is a wonderful woman called Nicola who has set up a charity called Reuben's Retreat, sadly her little boy Reuben died suddenly of a brain tumour too and now she and her family has set up this charity to help families.
The link to her page is www.reubensretreat.org/blog/

I am so sad reading what has happened and i really hope you find at least a little comfort from this charity.

Thinking of you

Original poster

bella93 · 10/05/2015 11:34

Hi I will look at those links thank you.

I realised I have never posted his name.. he is called Evan.

He would have been starting nursery in September. I take my daughter to her childminders one day a week and I see the other kids she looks after who are a similar age to Evan and it hurts because they will be going to Nursery and Evan wont be. He used to play with them when he went to his childminders and now they play without him... it breaks my heart.

OP posts:

mypip · 10/05/2015 13:58

i am so sorry for the loss of your dear son; i hope your close friends and family may be a comfort for you. p.

Original poster

bella93 · 10/05/2015 20:32

thank you. I have a few family who are there for me and a few friends. I wish my husband was there for me more but I know he is suffering too. I dont know what is going to happen between us two tbh

OP posts:

Original poster

bella93 · 13/05/2015 18:38

I had a bad day today
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up ever again. Nobody I know irl cares at all and dont want to help when I ask and my husband hardly even touches me, he's not even hugged me in about a week.
I just hate everything, wish I could just check out

OP posts:

BeautifulRedBoots · 13/05/2015 18:45

Oh Bella, I am sure that people irl care a lot, but we tend to be hopeless at knowing what to say.

Reach out to your husband. Just touch him. Try to look after yourself with food and hydration. Do ask your GP for more help.

Can you try to get outside to breathe in the air...

Mumite · 13/05/2015 21:32

I was coming on here tonight to write a miserable post in Mental Health about my own struggles but just read your posts and my heart goes out to you Bella.

I truly truly hope you will not kill yourself. Your Evan would not have wanted that.

I've been suicidal in the past, I was very severely abused, please try to hold on to life. Is there one thing you could do tonight to keep you going - ring Samaritans, keep posting on here about how you truly feel, or just sit with a cup of tea? I wish I lived nearby as I would come an make you the cup of tea.

Momagain1 · 25/06/2015 20:49

Bella: are you there?

SomethingOnce · 28/06/2015 14:56

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Evan.

Have you had specialist counselling? If not, might it be worth getting in touch with Child Bereavement UK?

hotlikeme · 28/06/2015 15:08

I love the photos of your son Evan, such a beautiful boy. Many people irl shy away because they don't know what to say when something so sad and terrible happens to somebody they know but it is important for you to talk about your son. It would be good if you could tell us more about him, what he loved to do, what his favourite toys were, what he liked to eat. You may feel that your husband isn't there for you right now but he will be finding this hard too and may find it hard to express his grief. Do keep sharing with us.

nigelslaterfan · 02/07/2015 09:57

I have no idea what to say except your loss is something I cannot imagine. He looks like the sweetest boy and what a loving little poppet.

I don't understand why these things happen but nature is brutal, good luck, bad luck, so much is just random. But the good luck as you know is your little girl and you don't have to stop loving your boy. That must be the hardest thing after such a cataclysmic loss, what to do with all your love for him.

I know that the miscarriage threads kept me going in the past. I hope you will keep coming here and finding out there are other people who are aware of such a great loss. One hour at a time.

I've recently read some articles about children whose mothers committed suicide. They are definitely blighted emotionally for their lives. It's not something you can recover from. And you can't recover from this loss but you can survive it and honour him and love his sis for both their sakes. I am thinking of you today.

lu9months · 03/07/2015 22:36

your grief must be overwhelming. i cant imagine. my husband has an incurable brain tumour and i feel bad that i am not parenting my kids at all well, and a feel guilty about it. loosing a child is the worst thing possible. please accept that you are doing the best you can, and the fact you get through each day is amazing. be as kind as you can to yourself . i am on anti depressants which do help me manage, though they dont make me stop being sad - they control the depths of despair enough for me to function slightly better. thinking of you and sending so many hugs

RJN0809 · 03/07/2015 22:50

Sorry to hear your news. My older sister died when I was 18 months old just had therapy this year as being a mum seemed to bring it back. Your daughter will grieve and miss her brother and that's not your fault. If you and your family can try to remember him on anniversary etc it will help her ask questions. Also write down everything you can think of about him in a book for her. When she's older it might help. Also try and focus on what is great about your daughter so she knows she is "special" in her own right. Hope you get lots of help from the places people have mentioned. I'm a Christian and would recommend talking to your local priest they might be able to do a memorial service for you next year or pray for you all even if you don't believe. You are obviously a fantastic mum and this is a cruel and horrible experience, no loving God would wish this on you.

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