Not sure what to do

[Bloodwood]

I was diagnosed with PND after the birth of my second child, but I've always suffered a bit with anxiety.

I managed to start a new job relatively soon after birth, I had hoped it would give me something else to focus on and be an excuse to get out the house a bit. It turned out to be quite stressful and after a few months (of mostly being off sick) I agreed with my employer that I should give up.

Ever since I've been feeling worse and worse. In the last month or so my partner has been almost constantly traveling abroad because of his job. It's difficult for him to avoid this especially as we are relying on his income. He more or less told our close families that he doesn't trust me to look after our kids by myself, so as a result everyone has been 'helping'. I do appreciate the support but it means the children are being passed around from person to person and spending nights with different family members and understandably my 5yo is becoming really confused by this and it is starting to have an impact on his behaviour etc.
It also means that I seem to be left alone at home by myself with nothing to do most the time, which doesn't help me either.

I've been to see my GP a few times, who I found really irritating and apparently only works 1 day a week. I did eventually see another doctor who just prescribed me antidepressants, which I took for a week, then I decided I didn't want to continue, so I stopped.

No idea what I am meant to do next. I've explained this to family etc but I feel like they are missing my point.

On top of all this my father has been very ill and I don't know how much longer he will be around, but my parents live abroad and going to see him is impossible (22 hour flight).

Hmm could agree to accept "help" one fixed night if the week so it doesn't impact so much, but still gives you a break?

Are you looking after yourself? Trying CBT or mindfulness self help stuff? Getting fresh air, exercise, and good food - all of which can be done with the kids in tow.

My anxiety and depression is soooo much better if I get exercising outside, eat good food, and practice mindfulness every day. Would be even better if I got sleep, but I have 2 small sleep thieves

Oh you poor thing! It's sounds as if you're feeling quite powerless.
Can you say what you've said here, that you appreciate the help but the children need more stability and to sleep at home- can family help out by coming to yor house?
Go back to the Dr, exain that you only took the antidepressant for a week and ask for other options- maybe a different script? Would you be able to attend counselling or CBT? Could family look after the children for that?
Do you attend baby groups? How approachable is your HV?
Your family so far away is heartbreaking- how do you communicate with them? Can you set up Skype our FaceTime or email pictures and down news once a week?
I hope some other posters will be along soon.

And I'm sorry to hear about your father. Are you keeping in touch via Skype or similar?

Honestly, I'm really bad at doing anything that is suggested to me. I did go to a baby group for a while but I was getting too anxious so I stopped. I've tried CBT as well, but I only did a couple of sessions then gave up on that too.

I know these things take time. But unless something works instantly I don't have the patience to continue.

I feel like doctor/health visitor are getting a bit fed up with me since it looks like I'm ignoring their advice all the time and not taking the help that's offered to me. So I've sort of been shying away from them a bit. I know it's my fault because they can keep suggesting things but unless I make an effort then there will be no positive results.

But when you're depressed it's hard to make that effort. I know

Mindfulness has instant results though in the short term, and long term benefits build up over time.

Also how about buddying up for a toddler group or something?

CBT, mindfulness, exercise etc don't work unless you do them (obviously!)But I know it's so hard to find the motivation when you're depressed.

Go back to your GP, ask to be referred for CBT again. You never know, you might get a different therapist who you'll be able work with.

Why don't you want to take anti-depressants? The newer style ADs (SSRIs) don't have the side effects that the old ones used to have and they're not addictive. ADs can be really good for lifting your mood enough to start doing the helpful activities, but of course it's a personal choice.

Avoiding activities, although it makes you feel better at first, actually makes anxiety worse in the long run, so it's good to get out there, see people, find something fun to do, even if you don't feel like it.

Sometimes you have to kind of 'act as if I'm OK' at first and then your brain catches up with your behaviour at a later date IYSWIM.

How long has it been since your second child was born? The problem is that if depression has been hanging around for a while, doing nothing (& perhaps living in ways that feed the depression) will leave you stuck that way. It might clear on its own eventually, but in the meantime you're suffering and missing out on your kids. I'd suggest the first thing is to seek out someone (therapist, GP, HV) who knows what they're doing and listen to their advice. Ultimately, you will only recover if you do little things (step by step) to take charge of the depression. It's bloody hard workI know from PND followed by a bipolar diagnosisbut your other option is more of the same.

Thanks for your posts. Sorry I didn't come back to this yesterday, I was trying to have a bit of much needed quality time with the kids.

I'm feeling a lot worse again today, I can't even think to start about going to groups etc. right now.

My partner was due back yesterday but he phoned to say there's been more problems with his work and he will probably need to stay until the end of this week. I feel as if its really starting to test our relationship now.

I can't cope.