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Mental health

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Original poster

I can't think of a title, this is too much.

20 replies

littlegingercat · 02/05/2015 01:09

I'm going to preface this by saying that I have really severe anxiety; mostly manifesting in social phobia, agoraphobia and germ phobia. I don't think this is related but I am entrenched.

Coincidences. I mean, they exist, right? They wouldn't have a word otherwise, would they?

I am constantly overwhelmed by things that are unrelated at first, but then become related. I feel like I'm being watched constantly. It's stupid things, like I'll be watching TV and on the internet at the same time, and a word that I'm reading will be said on the TV at the same time. The other day I was reading a thread on here about buying a mattress, and an advert for Travelodge came on at the same time as I read a post about Lenny Henry liking the mattresses.

So I think that people must be watching me because how else would the two things coincide. This happens A LOT. Like seriously, more than five times a day, I'll be reading something online and something on the TV will match up to it. Either a word, or an advert, or a personality. I read the word "Alex" as an advert for the Hotel Inspector happened, for example.

I can't deal with this. I do have a lot of anxiety, and I've recently been diagnosed with OCD, but this is separate. I am at the point where I want to die because people are obviously watching me and I can't cope with it.

I have self-harmed for 16 years and attempted suicide so many times that I can't even count them. I'm beyond repair at this point. I just want to stop being watched.

I want to die. I really want to stop them watching me and stop this happening. Coincidences are one thing but they happen SO MUCH and this is just not ok , is it? Does this happen to other people?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 02/05/2015 01:12

I think you need to contact the crisis team if you feeling like this.

Original poster

littlegingercat · 02/05/2015 01:16

I'm not under the crisis team.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 02/05/2015 01:21

Going by your comment "I want to die" you can present yourself at A and E and they should see you.

Original poster

littlegingercat · 02/05/2015 01:27

I can't go to A&E. I have agoraphobia. I literally can't go outside by myself. I can't use the phone either, so ringing someone isn't an option I have.

I know I'm useless, I'd like to say that it's all because of the anxiety but realistically, I'm just a person who is incapable of being of any use.

I really just want to know that these "coincidences" happen to other people? Are they really exclusive to me?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 02/05/2015 01:35

You are not useless at all. The brain works in odd ways. Sometimes I see a word in the crossword and it is mentioned on TV at the same time. It's not just coincidence, your brain disregards irrelevant stuff and makes links with what is common. I see words in a text then hear them at the same time on the radio. Not weird...just brain making links. You will not remember or associate irrelevant facts.

lordStrange · 02/05/2015 01:39

Littlegingercat I have funny coincidences all the time. The other day the toast popped up and and said here's your toast and on the radio there was a play on and they said here's your toast just as I was saying it. Its a funny coincidence. Nothing more. There is nothing sinister about similar things happening at the same time.

You are not useless at all, you suffer with anxiety, and a doctor will help you with that.

Original poster

littlegingercat · 02/05/2015 01:44

That's it though, I've tried thinking that irrelevant things will be disregarded but the relevant things are happening SO frequently that it's like there are NO irrelevant thing.

It can happen so many times and really that isn't just a coincidence, is it? That is something else. That is someone making it happen because it's just too frequent otherwise. It's happened while I've been typing this post, I know that it's not just a random event, it really has to be something else because it's just happening SO much.

It's been building over the last couple of weeks. The first few times, I just thought "Oh, that's a weird coincidence". Then as it progressed, I realised that there was something more sinister going on. It's not just inside my head, it's something that is actually happening and it has a reason and a point, I just can't get to it yet. I can't stay calm over this, I've already self-harmed tonight because normally it helps me to stay a little calmer, but tonight it's just too much. I don't know why.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlegingercat · 02/05/2015 01:47

lordStrange, that's the sort of thing I mean, but multiple times. If it was just once or twice, and I'd dismiss it as nothing. But it's so frequent. It happens so much.

I do have contact with the CHMT, though not the crisis team, but there is no way I'm talking to them about this. For all I know, they're the ones who are behind it.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 02/05/2015 01:49

It is a coincidence and it is just your brain making links. No one is monitoring you....you really do need to seek some assistance if your thoughts are pervading. If you can't ring then google your local crisis team and email them. You know it's not right to be thinking this way.

Tootoofunny · 02/05/2015 01:50

Yep, I get coincidences too, pretty normal, and the more media you have going at the same time, then the more likely. I think it would be a really good idea for you to have a chat with someone about it though, maybe email [email protected]

scurryfunge · 02/05/2015 01:51

Littlegingercat, they are not behind it. You need to seek assistance pronto.

lordStrange · 02/05/2015 01:53

Are you having treatment for your anxiety? And the self harming? Because you really must you know.

Listen sweetheart, you will be fine. Like the other poster said, our brains connect random events and try to create meaningful links. There is no such thing. And if your brain is very very busy you can make links all over the place. It isn't bad. It's fine.

Original poster

littlegingercat · 02/05/2015 02:00

I can't tell the CMHT about this. There are too many potential consequences. Honestly, this happens so much. It doesn't matter whether I'm on here, or Reddit, or Imgur, or just googling something. It matches up to the TV, or something I've just said out loud.

I've had bad experiences with the Samaritans in the past, and I'm reluctant to try again with them. I know that they're indispensable for some people but I've found they've made me feel worse before and I'm really scared in case they're part of it.

Is it really just because I have two different media at the same time? I know that coincidences are a real thing but this just seems so much. I know I must sound so stupid and like I'm just building this up to be a huge thing but it really feels like it's happening constantly. It's not just every so often, it is so frequently and there HAS to be something behind it because it's just too much.

This has been happening for WEEKS. I'm not imagining it.

I've been having systematic desensitization for the anxiety for a long time now, but it doesn't really help. No help for the self-harm or suicidal thoughts or general depression, other than medication that I can't bring myself to comply with.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 02/05/2015 02:06

Right, you need to consider external help if you are not coping. No biggee in recognising this. You are not imaging this...just making the wrong links and placing too much significance on associations. Please seek guidance.

Akire · 02/05/2015 02:12

You need more help to manage that is brave thing to acknowledge. Is there someone you can ring to go to hospital with you?

Is your GP aware? You could email your surgery and ask for a home visit which they should do especially if you have anxiety issue or can you have email chat with a Dr where she could suggest a way forward?
I appreciate getting help will be hard but it's not going improve unless you do. Which is just as shit scarey but you are worth it x

Original poster

littlegingercat · 02/05/2015 02:19

I don't know where to seek guidance from. My local CMHT are not trustworthy. I don't have friends. My family (my mother and father) know the scantest of details about my MH and this is nowhere near being something I could talk to them about as our relationship is not close.

My GP knows that I have anxiety/depression/OCD. They're the ones who referred me to the CMHT, so I guess they have access to my notes. It's the kind of practice where you never see the same doctor twice and I don't trust any of them. I used to have a GP that I trusted but she left the practice. I've asked in the past about home visits, because of the agoraphobia, and have been told that they don't do them unless there are exceptional circumstances. It was told to me by one of the GPs that those circumstances involved things like terminal cancer, so I wouldn't be eligible.

Can anyone actually stop this happening unless they're the root cause of it though? I mean, obviously the person/s behind it could stop it if they wanted but could anyone else?

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/05/2015 02:31

littleginger - you may not trust anyone at all right now but you need some help. Coincidences do happen all the time but you are magnifying them to something greater than is likely to be real.
This suggests that your feelings at the moment are symptomatic of something else going on, which needs to be addressed.

Please contact your GP.

Akire · 02/05/2015 02:33

You have a right to health care if you have a confirmed diagnoses of agrophobia then pretty sure they will visit you if you explain you can't cope.
Home visits are for those unable to get to the surgery-you can't! If your life is in danger then it didn't matter if you have cancer or not it's still a life.
Do you feel up to email Mind they are a mental health charity. Although you say your local CMHT are untrustworthy you may have to use them to access support. I appreciate you may feel like you have bad experiences or your condition means you are more sensitive to different things but unfortunately most people have to use NHS resources available.

You come across really clearly in typing, How do you feel about emailing Gp mind or Samaritans tonight?

Original poster

littlegingercat · 02/05/2015 02:45

I see someone from the CMHT fairly regularly for the systematic desensitization but the person I see is not someone that I can tell these feelings to. I have an appointment with my care co-ordinator in a couple of weeks but I don't feel like I can trust her either.

I've had a look on the website for my GP surgery, and there is only one e-mail on there; a general nhs.net one for the whole surgery. There is no way I'm e-mailing anything there, to be laughed at by the receptionists. I don't even have a regular GP to address it to. I have a great deal of respect for Mind but I think that they have a lot more important things to be doing than dealing with this. I don't feel like I'm making sense because this is a really pervasive thing that is happening and it's not just a one-off, and the more I think about it, the more I think that it isn't actually related to my existing MH issues. (Or it is, and the persons at the CMHT are responsible for these "coincidences"; either way same outcome).

My diagnosis of agoraphobia is long-standing, and it predated the GP telling me that home visits were only for very important things like terminal cancer. My life is not worth anything. I am not worth anything.

OP posts:

Akire · 02/05/2015 02:57

You are worth something, I'm sure no one will be laughing at you they are usually far to busy. You just need to say please can you pass this on to the GP because I feel this ill and because of my condition I can't ring you up/come in. Someone should get back to you.
It's MINDS job and whole existence to help people with mental health conditions so please do so. I know it may seem like it will not help but only you can take the step to get help.
Otherwise you will just have to wait for your next appointment. You are ill part of that is not being able to see things clearly I really appreciate how difficult and confusing it can be.

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