Tips for parenting when depressed

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Dd is 2. I want to kill myself. I'm not going to, but somehow I can't stop muttering the words under my breath. The other day I was crying while she was asleep in her buggy and thought it would be better if I left her in the street. Obviously that's not a good idea but I'm worried about what I might do.

On a daily basis I feel dead already. Can't muster any joy in anything and can't think straight to remember to buy food, nappies etc. I am seeing a counsellor but I don't think it's helping. I am not after tips for medication , but just some ways to get through the next few weeks and months.

My biggest fear is somehow 'infecting' dd with my depression. She is wonderful and so far mostly happy.

I was exactly the same when my dd was 2 aswell. I feel your every word.

The only thing that helped me climb out of that black hole was crying to my Gp and being prescribed citalopram. Changed my life.

Have you spoken to your Gp x

Thanks for your reply. No haven't gone to the Gp yet. How is your dd now?

Oh Blue. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Please, please get yourself some help from your GP. There's loads they can do, and you'll feel better just for talking to someone. I know it's hard to think rationally when you're in that black hole, but if not for you, do it for your DD. You've done the right thing by posting on here. Keep talking, there's some amazing help available.

I don't tbink there's any more the Gp can do. I have been referred for counselling, which I'm undergoing at the moment. It will end in a few months. It hasn't helped, and it's the last resort for me - other treatments have not worked. I could ask for anti depressants but I am a former addict and I'm not sure I know the difference between taking citalopram every day for the rest of my life and drinking vodka for breakfast. Not for other people, but for me. It was so important in my getting over my addictions that I could be alive without drugs, and I am worried about losing grip on all of that and slipping back into the nightmare of drugs and alcohol.

This is my first major depression since I was pregnant (which is when I was referred to the counselling I'm doing at the moment). It is all my worst fears - that I am letting dd down, that I cant look after her properly, that I am a bad role model, and that she might end up like me. I'm also being a shit to Dh but I can't help myself. Obviously, work and friendships and household chores are suffering too and i just seem to be drowning in it all. My beautiful dd is on the other side of the abyss and she needs me but I'm not able to be there for her. At best I am distracted and tired. At worst I am snappy and tearful and negligent. I have been losing my temper a lot. So far not with her but sometimes I have to go out of the room and kick something when she is whining. I am so ashamed of myself

I literally don't know what to do or where to turn. I hate myself so much that I can't bear to be alive, inside my body. I am despicable. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry, self indulgent post above. I need to find ways to get through the minutes with dd and not let her see how upset I am. In the longer term, should I make up an excuse for my depression? Fatigue? Pretend I have a cold and have to go to bed? What can I do to hide it from her and protect her from me?

Hello Op, my dd is almost 4 now and a happy little girl, very demanding and gets very emotional and tantrummy but that's in her character

After reading how you feel about yourself and how you feel angry and snappy and worthless - I was just the same. I didn't like the idea of anti depressants and tried to battle through it myself but it was impossible, I just wanted to die and escape my life completely.
Citalopram was the only option left, it was the only thing that was able to lift me out of that complete blackness to a place where I was okay and able to function fine on a daily basis.
I hear your concerns with regards to your past and urge you to tell them to your Gp. I truly feel that at this stage an anti dep is your best option, as it was the turning point with me.

Also I used to tell my dd I was feeling poorly or tired when everything felt too hard. I've sat and cried in front of her quite a few times and told her I was feeling very sad or poorly, and give her lots of hugs to help me feel better etc. I think trying to hide how you feel can sometimes cause a bad temper, which is harder to explain to a child. I sometimes ended up shouting at dd and making her upset. I used to apologise to her and tell her I was very naughty for doing that.
It is so hard looking after a child when you have depression. Please try and treat yourself kindly, I hope what I've written makes sense and can help in some way

Taking antidepressants is not the same as drinking vodka for breakfast.

AD's are a short term crutch, and prescribed medication to lean on when you think you cannot go on. It helps you see things clearly and sort yourself out.

Drinking Vodka is self-medicating, it muddles you up even more, makes you hate yourself and just drowns the problems.

ADs don't have to be for ever, most people are only on them short term.

Do you get on with your counsellor and are you truthful? He/She should have realised how badly suffering you are and that you need to see the GP again.
Sometimes talking therapy doesn't work because it's not a good match. You may need someone else.

For the sake of your little girl's happiness - go to GP.

I recognise most of your symptoms because I've been there. You can get out of this dark place. It's very tough but you can do it.

Just to add; I still have issues with depression and am about to start some counselling sessions. Perhaps if you are able to get to a place where you can function better and feel okay about life and stay "afloat", you might find the counselling a little easier or more helpful.

You are not a bad role model for your daughter - you are very self aware and devoted to her and that shines through your post.
You are a strong person and you will get through this. X

Thank you for your replies. I don't feel like a strong person, I feel like an abject failure. I do get on with the counsellor but I can't seem to say what I mean. It feels like the last resort has failed, and there's nothing else to do. I suppose I should go to the GP and ask for citalopram. Maybe things will feel better then.

For now, I will tell Dd that I'm tired and ill. Which is better than getting angry. It's good to recognise that hiding it puts me in a bad mood.

Thank you