I can't cope. I can only cope if I just lie in bed. Being up and about triggers huge anxiety and hopelessness.
I keep fantasising about cutting my throat. Rationally though, I know I can make myself not do this, at least for now. I have been bingeing on food and I keep having the thoughts about cutting, maybe not my throat at first but I want to cut my arms or legs. I want to feel something sharp to calm down and if that doesn't work I'm not sure what to do. Except I'm planning on going to the shop to buy more food to binge on, so does that mean I'm sort of in control?
I can't believe my life will ever get better. I'm too far gone. There's nobody who can help. I did get an earlier psychiatrist appointment but it's three weeks away and there's not going to be anything she can do.
There is nothing that can be done because I am a waste of space and the sooner I die the better, frankly. I'm just such a procrastinator I can't make myself do it. I know I should, but am reluctant.
My head is a total mess and I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to have two job interviews now this week and I want to die because I'm exhausted. I feel happy I got the job interviews but it's like they are for somebody else in a movie and the day to day stuff is my reality and I can't do it anymore.