Dad in a bad place - advice please

[LittleMilla]

My dad has just told me he attempted suicide on Monday and I don't know what to do.

He's being divorced by my step mum because of his alcoholism and has increasingly been leaning on me for support. Fine, most would say, but we've never really had much of a relationship so I've in turn been finding it all quite tough. And admit that at times I've ignored his calls as I just cannot cope with him.

He's just called on the verge or tears saying how lonely he is and then said that on Monday he drank too much and took a load of ADs. He then collapsed and his face is now black and blue. He's been back to his GP who has encouraged him to revisit the counsellor he was seeing but that's it.

I am seeing him tomorrow but don't know what to do. I feel that I should ask him to come and stay here, but working 4 days a week and with two children, it will be SOOO stressful for all of us.

Can anyone please offer some words of advice as I'm totally out of my depth.

Ring Al-Anon my love, its for family of alcholics. I am pretty sure they will advise completely against your stepdad staying with you, personally I think he is being very selfish calling on you.

Lets face it, if his GP who he says he has been to see thought he was a risk to himself, he wouldn't have sent him home. He has a Counsellor, he hasn't lost enough yet to stop drinking? If that makes sense. Do not get pulled into his mad world, you can still support at a distance, and be firm.

Google Al-Anon and ring them.

I am a recovering alcoholic 11 years sober. AA did it for me, but I had to ring them myself and I had to want to stop.

My situation was slightly different but didn't want this to go unanswered.
It is ok to make harsh decisions as you have to protect yourself and your family, particularly if your relationship with your dad is difficult.
You urgently need to speak to someone involved in his care. Perhaps GP. They may not be able to discuss the case with you but they can listen to your concerns and suggest next port of call. Push for crisis team involvement if you think he's at risk of another attempt.
First and foremost look after yourself. X

Sounds like he needs medication not just counseling. I agree you should speak to his doctor. If life is difficult for him medication will help him through it. I don't know anything about alcoholism but might it be his way of dealing with his unhappiness.

Just spoken to the lady at al anon. She was very sweet and has suggested I find a group to attend. Also discussed what might be helpful for tomorrow - and boundaries came up as the key thing.

Having previously tried and failed to get him to change, I'm already feeling quite exhausted. I know that he's got to want to stop boozing and given how depressed he is right now, I just don't think that it's going to happen with some pills and a bit of counselling. He's sad, lonely and depressed - all things that make most non alcoholics want to drink!

I'm going to suggest he goes back to GP to ask about a residential course as I cannot see how else he'll move on.

You sound really lovely and very caring. I'm sorry if I sounded hard, I do hate to see you put in this position. All I can say to you is this:

Until I had lost my marriage, my friends and family I didn't reach rock bottom. I still had a home, but that was it. There is nothing you can do or say that will make him stop drinking, until he wants to. He is (as I did) looking for "the easier softer way". Pills and Councellors are all brilliant, but will make absolutely no difference til he puts down the drink. I wasn't some namby pamby drunk who found it easy, i was drinking a litre of vodka, plus bottles of wine every day. The thing with booze is, its your best friend, until it stops working.

All the time you are ringing Doctors for him etc etc you are enabling him. He has to do this for himself. Rehab is extremely expensive, unless you can get it through NHS and frankly those places are like gold dust.

IF he really does want to stop find a local AA meeting, and take him to it. They won't mind you going, you will be welcomed. He has to show willing. If he isn't in a fit state for that, ring AA helpline whilst you are with him, they may get someone to come and see him, I've done a home visit, not sure about your area obviously.

Please please don't let this drag you down, you must keep your boundaries. You can't do this for him.

Sorry for going on so long - good luck and tell him it IS possible to live without booze, i am living proof with a family and children, I would not have them if I had continued to drink. I would be dead pretty sure of that.

My mother did die of an overdose, her body was so weak due to years of alcohol abuse that what was meant to be a cry for attention ended up killing her. Coroners words not mine. Thing is alcohol is not illegal, hospital, SS, GP all offered her the option of counselling and unless she agreed what could anyone do? Best thing is to let them hit rock bottom, I have been told many times it's the only way they will overcome it. And yes not all do, but we can't unfortunately make our loved ones do what is in their best interest. It's so hard watching them die slowly, and realising that their love for you alone is not big enough to stop them doing this. Going no contact saved my sanity in the end. Take care of yourself I'm sure your dad would wish that if he were well.

CaptainProton wise words....and so very true.

The definition of insanity - doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. Take from that what you will.

The only person who will ever understand an alcholic is another alcoholic.

Or to put in broader terms

You can't kid a kidder!

So dad had a paddy and didn't end up coming.

Washed up in all of this is my 15yo half brother, who's about to sit his GCSEs. My step mum has been trying her best to protect him but dad is behaving really badly. Basically, step mum didn't want dad driving him so I'd agreed with her that he'd get the train up to see me.

He phoned me this am saying that he didn't want to be controlled etc. I told him to stop being silly, cutting off his nose etc, but then he text to say he wouldn't be coming.

So we've focussed on giving step brother a good day, which I think he has. He's a good lad who's predicted straight As, so just hoping dad's twattishness doesn't affect him too much.

My dad always has and always will be a selfish fucker. He does things to benefit himself only, always has. This weekend has served to remind me (as I haven't behaved brilliantly of late, I must admit) that you should always put your children before yourself. And also how easy it could be for me to follow him twuntish ways all too easily.

So I'm looking on the bright side. And planning to avoid contact again for a while.