Going down a black hole.

[EastwardHo]

I've recently moved out to Moscow to join my BF, the father of our lovely baby boy who is almost five months old. I'm not coping. Becuase my BF does not yet have a Russian Foreign Travel passport, I spent 6 months of my pregnancy on my own, gave birth on my own (well, with wonderful mother as support,) and spent the first three montsh on my own looking after him. It was a tough labour ending in an emergency CS. Just to make things more tricky, I bought a house in the same month as becoming pregnant last year, August and have spent about 6 months doing it up. It is now rented out and all that end is sorted. In fact, I think I have coped with all that rather well, even the final disappointments of him not being able to come over for the birth and to see the baby. My parents very kindly let me stay with them for 6 weeks before I came to Moscow and were absoutley wonderful. They are truly besotted with the babe, who is their first grandchild.
I've been out in this hole for four weeks now and I am beginning to go downhill fast. We are not living the Expat life I'm afraid and live on the Eastern outskirts in possibly the most depressing tower block I have ever seen....which is surrounded by even more depressing tower blocks of tatty flats and a couple of industrial chimneys in the background. Nice. Money is very tight at the moment and I have just found out that the job I was supposed to start in January at in international school has fallen through. Because of our very different standards of living, BF doesn't really get the enormous difficulty I am having coming to terms with this place...graffitti and piss in the lifts, bloody cold, don't know a soul, no job, no one to talk to, grey, grey, grey. God, it's bleak! I can't even be bothered to go to the local park any more, nor get on with the decoarating to make this place less vile. He has worked so hard on it to make it more habitable that I can only whinge so much. And boy have I whinged! What he doesn;t seem to really understand is not only have I left all my friends and family to go to a different country which is bad enough, but my standard of living is now infinately worse. Well below what we would describe as poverty levels in the West.
I am getting to the point now where I am crying for hours for no reason, I'm no longer interested in food (most unusual for me,) I can't sleep even though I am totally drained emotionally and physically and my libido has disappeared. I keep getting stupid stomach bugs, I can't be bothered to go outside and I find myself staring into space for ages. I have had some very black thoughts indeed but fortnately have managed to pull myself together. I had a major breakdown several years ago as have many close member of my family. My grandmother comitted suicide due to PPP. So, I recognise the signs of depression! I've been doing all the things you should do to make yourself better....going for walks (well until recently,) trying to make new friends and meeting up with other Expat first time mothers out here. I've used what little network I have out here as support but it's not really making any difference. BF doesn't really believe in depression I think - they all drink themselves to death here instead! And, understandably, he is getting increasingly frustrated with my ever increasingly black mood and my tendency to burst into tears on the bus. Most embarassing! I am learning the language but it is very much at sub school French level at the moment. I have no access to a HV , GP or Mid-Wife. I'm beginning to get to the end of my tether really. I keep telling myself that I need to have a postive attitude, I have only been out here a few weeks and I should be grateful for a loving, sweet partner and a beautiful, healthy baby boy. But I can't. I've been having nightmares and have an irrational constant fear that something is going to happen to him. All fairly classic symptons I suppose. My house is rented out for a year and I suppose I could go home next August if I really couldn't bear it. I'm just not sure how I'm going to get throught the next week, let alone the next few months.

So, I'm a bit f**ked really. Know any good jokes?

EH you poor thing. No wonder you are feeling depressed with such a huge culture shock and absolutely no friends or support network. My dd was born in Portugal (not nearly as difficult as Russia, I'm sure, but certainly far, far from UK standards) and I felt SO TERRIBLE for a long time. It is the isolation which gets to you.

Is there anyone at all you can talk to? Doctor, nurse, etc? You must have access to some sort of doctor - what if you get sick?? - but I do understand if it is expensive or depression just not something to talk about it that society. What about the other expats? 20% of mothers suffer PND, so I bet at least one of them would sympathise. Anything at all really? You NEED to get out of the house somehow, and you NEED to talk to someone.

Are you leaning Russian at home or in a class. If possible, go to a class - at least you will see othr people. Where are your boyfriend's family? Could they help out at all?

Moving countries is far harder than anyome imagines and with a small baby, when you're just getting used to motherhood it is even harder. Give yourself something to look forward to, such as a trip to see your parents at Christmas.

I wish I could be of more help, but don#t beat yourself up about not being more positive. Culture shock and homesickness are not trivial - you should hear the fuss that the expats here in super-cushy Switzerland make!!!!

Keep chatting on MN too, it really helped me.

Thanks Footprints. I'd been visiting BF for two years beforehand, so it's not as if I didn't know what I was letting myself in for. Visiting somewhere and living somewhere are very different though, especially with a small baby. I'm a fairly resilient person, but the inner reserves are dryign up! (His only family is his Mum who is in Tashkent. (Uzbekistan.)) Guess I'll just have to keep chatting on MN for now.

Hi, I just wanted to say how reading your message made me feel you are an incredibly strong and tenacious person. Achieveing all you have through the pregnancy and getting through what must have been a difficult birth and recovery. You've been very strong for a long time and like you say your reserves might be low especially when the job has fallen through.

I was depressed following birth of DD1 and recognise your dark moods and anxiety. It would be great for you to find help and support whether through family, MN, internet or through a network local to you. Any opportiunities at other language schools? or other places full of ex pats.

The most help ful things I found being able to admit i needed help and keep talking. Have you talked with your family and friends aswell? I am normally very organised and busy so to admit to all my family and my closest friends I was seriously struggling was hard for me. But the best support came from them, and some are 100s of miles away.

The other thing I hung on to is this time next week I'll feel better then I do today. I wasn't always sure how or why, but believing things would get better helped. I wasn't wrong and things have improved.

big hugs!

blimey, who would want to live in russia. my god no wonder u are depressed.
why don't u come back to the UK for a few months with your family and friends and really think about things with people who can help u.
why can't your DH live over here?

Hi there,,you sound like you have got an awful lot going on never mind a young baby.Think that you sound a very strong person as earlier posters have said.In a new country with minimal support network.No wonder you are feeling low.I havent got anything to add re practicalities that hasnt been posted but couldnt ignore your message.Mn is incredibly supportive at times so keep posting.Hope you manage to get out and about a bit more and meet more people,and start feeling a little less homesick soon.best wishes

You say you should be grateful for a loving, sweet partner, and I'm sure he IS those things, but it doesn't sound like he's making much of an effort to understand what you've been through and what you are going through. Having a baby, with a traumatic birth experience, raising the baby alone, moving to a very foreign country where you don't speak the language...you have every right to feel overwelmed and exhausted. No wonder! I think he needs to be a bit more understanding to be honest.

What are the chances of you both moving to UK - when can your bf get his passport? Living there might feel less awful if you know it's not forever. I bet it is REALLY cold in Moscow now, and that is so tough with a small baby.

Please do keep posting, I would really like to hear how you are getting on and if you are ok. As I said, I felt so similar in Portugal and really sympathise.

your parents must be gutted you are bringing a baby up in a country like russia. the tower blocks would make me get on that plane back to the UK. no way on earth would i live there.

Hey, EH, really feeling for you. We moved to Germany when DS2 was 10 weeks and I found it very very tough too. Don't blame yourself for feeling like this - you are coping with a tremendous amount and noone ever said you have to do it with style all the time!!!! I have found MN a tremendous support, and I also found a translation tool on the internet which I learned a few phrases from which helped me when I met other new mums (such as How old is your baby, mine is x months, I am trying to learn your language) and it was amazing how that helped. When baby gets a little older they suddenly become much more responsive around the 6-7 months stage, which really helps with the dark days. Keep posting - and CAT me if you would like to - I would love to support you if I can.

Thanks for your messages of support so far, it means a lot. Perhaps today was just particularly bleak and tomorrow will be better! :-)

EH, so good you're posting. Please don't let yourself slide... somehow you have to act. You must get to a health professional and get some real support. Where do the other expat mothers go for health issues? Have you told any of them how you feel?
Apart from that, you say money is tight: but could some of the rent from your UK place go on a tiny bit of childcare, so you get a chance to see the city/do some unfettered DIY/go swimming/language classes/have something to look forward to?

I know, it's do easy to let yourself spiral downwards...I have been there before, under very different circumstances and there is no way I'm going back there again. I think I have to have a serious talk with other half....I thought maybe I would get him to read Mind's leaflet on PND, rather than have to listen to an incoherent, snotty dribbling GF! He might realise the seriousness of the situation then.

And tomorrow i will do some bloody DIY, I promise.