Mentioned today that I have had thoughts of self harm/suicide...

[ForgotThatIWasFine]

I have always experienced anxiety and low moods, things have been very difficult at home forever the last few months so I called the Improving Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT) service today for help.

The woman I spoke to went through various questions to try and assess where I'm at. I stupidly admitted that I have considered self harm/suicide in the last couple of weeks. I don't even know why I said that. She then asked for the names and dates of birth of my children and asked some more questions about whether I had considered hurting anyone else, had I thought about how to injure myself etc.

So what now? Does she have some responsibility to make a referral to social services?

I am so overwhelmed with living with anxiety and feeling down that sometimes I do think that I can't live like this... It's exhausting. But I couldn't actually do anything about it because I have children who have a fuckwit father and no one else to look after them... So I can't imagine actually acting on those thoughts but I'm aware that mental health issues have the potential to skew one's ability to think rationally.

I feel so stupid. I went to the gp a couple of months ago and explained how I have been feeling (minus the thoughts of self harm etc.) and she give me the IAPT number and told me to read The Chimp Paradox. I came away feeling like I had wasted both of our time, I felt humiliated, not taken seriously and like a bit of a joke.

There is no choice other than to suck it up and get on with life but sometimes I just can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life but really, what are my options?! I feel so stuck right now.

I have a fucked up relationship with food and starve/binge depending on my mood, I used to self harm as a teenager and when I'm feeling really angry or frustrated then I often feel like doing it again but have not done it for quite a long time. I don't know where to go from here, professionals don't seem to take me seriously which makes me think that I'm just being a whingey bitch that needs to get a grip. Some days/weeks I feel fine and normal, anxiety and feeling down isn't even an issue for me, then sometimes I just get lost in a black hole.

So sorry Fine. I hear you. And just want to say well done for all you are doing for your children. And well done for even contacting the IAPT; that seems like a courageous thing to have done actually. Don't worry about sharing how you were feeling with the lady on the phone. Perhaps she was assessing what therapies you might be able to access in your area. Round here they offer a basic four week CBT course. I have read Ruby Wax's book, Sane New World, and the CBT model seems to work well for a lot of people. I do hope that you find the support you need for now. Sometimes I think low moods are not helped at all by monthly cycle too...just be really gentle with how you talk to yourself and find a few treats you can enjoy without guilt this week!? However small and simple they are. Thinking of you.