Feeling really down, again................

[wheelsanddollbaby]

I don't know why I let this all get to me, my estranged husband is being really nasty to me again and it really hurts. I manage to claw myself to a happier place and then I communicate with him and I crash down again. He is selfish, uncaring, angry, violent, nasty, a fair weather father and totally unreliable but still I think that I still love him. Common sense(and friends, MNetters etc) tells me he is no good but I still struggle with my feelings. I don't know if it is that I don't have any kind of support or family around, I don't have any social life and if it wasn't for having to take my son to nursery I wouldn't go out at all. He has left me feeling ugly, unloveable and inadequate in everyway. I had tried counselling with no lasting success and I don't know what to do anymore, I can only start to feel a bit normal when I have no communication with him but then he calls me a lot if I ignore him and says that our son will grow up hating me, if I don't let him speak to his Dad. He has been gone for 2 and a half years now and my friends are sick of hearing about him saying I should be well over it by now. I think I live in the past a lot and i just can't seem to stop feeling really down again.

Sorry you are feeling so crap - don't be so hard on yourself though. Whether or not he was an absolute arse, you are still grieving for the dreams that you had for the relationship early on. 2 and a half years is no time imo! You need to complete this grieving process before you are ready to move on. There is no way youe are 'ugly, unloveable and inadequate': for a start he loved you in the first place, and I'm sure a WHOLE load of other more worthy people still do. And how can you possibly be inadequate when you are raising a child alone - an amazing achievement.

You are right though - you do need to sort this out for your ds's sake. He has a right to have a relationship with his dad - it is your relationship that has broken down, not theirs. What sort of counselling did you have? Could you need a top up? Have you seen your GP? Could you need AD's?

Keep posting
bb xx

You are stuck in a major rutt that seems hard to get out of. When u say u still love him, do u intend going back with him?
sounds like u need to move on with your life and forget about him. i think he just adds to your misery and depression.
why don't u join a group, like a yoga class, art class, go to the gym or start a course at college, this is a great way of meeting people and making friends. i have made some new friends from college and go out socialising with them.
are u taking anti-depressants?? if so, they don't seem to be working in which case u need to go back to your GP. Have u tried CBT? the girls on here reckon it's great for making u think in a more positive way. Ask your GP for a referral.
You need to keep yourself busy and get a life of your own and stop dwelling in the past.

Hi thanks for the advice. I am not taking any AD's at the moment, because I am sick of not being able to cope without them. It seems like I lurch from one bad thing to another (my Mother died four years ago and then I get married have a child and then fail at that too). I have never tried CBT and would like to have a go. My GP practice has an in-house counsellor and I haven't been able to connect with her. I feel like the one person who I put all my trust in takes pleasure in kicking me when I am down. No one understands.

wheelsanddollbaby i'm in a not dissimilar situation to you. i'm 19 weeks pg and my dp left early on in the pregnancy, now just emails as and when he feels like it, and i can totally relate to what you say about feeling worse for the communication. every time i just about get myself together, i read an email from him about his feelings, how much he loves me tho can't be with me, blah blah whatever he is saying at the time, and i crash into this awful pit of missing him and wanting him and all i can feel is his absence. it doesn't go well with looking after kids! (i have a dd who is 3). i'm so sorry you are in this horrible situation. keep posting, if this has been going on for 2 and 1/2 years you need as much support as possible. the ONLY way to get yourself out of this is to reduce the communication. i konw this because this is what i am trying to do. you have to let go. it is unbelievably hard. i do actually understand some of what you are feeling. CAT me if you want to, hth xx

and i think for now the ADs might help give you the kick-start that you need. i kwym about the dependency aspect but imo you're in a low enough state to warrant a bit of help with raising that serotonin level.

keep posting

Thanks Cath29, I read your thread and I think that everything feels a hundred times worse when you are pregnant. I became really irrational, had very bad short term memory and just could not see life with a normal outlook. I suggest you try to see that your feelings are purely down to the pregnancy and hormone fluctuations etc. I think I will go back to my GP for some AD's. I find that when I go to the GP or a counsellor, I feel fine(or at least better), if I felt as bad as I do now(usually at nightime) I wouldn't be able to get myself up and out of the house, so you have to muster up some strenght and faux happiness to be able to go out in the first place. Then I feel like a phoney, as I am not half as depressed sitting infront of them as I am within my own four walls. I think reduced communication is a good idea. I got all uptight today because his sister called me(hasn't called for months)and I can only think she wants something or she is trying to soften the blow for some other nasty thing her brother is about to do to me. I have tried every which way to deal with him and nothing works, unless it is on his terms. I feel like I am destined to be depressed and negative all my life and that because of this I drive all the 'fun' people away.

how wierd you should say that about his sister.. i had a birthday card the other day from my dp's sister.. i'm sure he asked her to send it. it made me and a bit .. i'm going to grit my teeth this week and try to do the reduced communication thing.

how i'm feeling is down to the situation and also the hormones; actually in a bizarre way i think the pregnancy is helping me; at least ive got something positive to focus on! i suspect it might be even harder when dbaby is born..

on the GP thing, i'm sure they know that people seem better when they go in there.

i lie in bed at night sometimes and things just seem overwhelming; bit less so when i'm up, dressed and out the door.

sleep well

you won't be depressed and negative all your life. as soon as you can free yourself from him a bit in your head, the cloud will start to lift; i'm certain of it.

Thanks Cath29,
My ex is very twisted. A friend of mine has a lot of trouble with her ex husband and only communicates with him with regard to their daughter. He swears at her, hangs up the phone, is really awkward about care arrangements, gives her no money,calls her names and tells his daughter her mummy is a w*re etc. My friend is often in tears because of him and when I told my ex about this he said that he only behaves like this because he still loves her. My ex is worse to me(if that's possible)is this an expression of his undying love? I have wasted a lot of time and tears on this man for absolutely nothing. I feel better for sharing all this crp. Good luck with the pregnancy. I have a friend who was in a similar situtation to you but she has had her baby now(10months) and her daughter is 5. She barely sees the father of her son and he doesn't want his family to know about him. Despite all the animosity between her and her ex she says that her new baby boy makes it all worth it.

I am feeling really low today, I feel like a failure. My husband hates me and has said that he doesn't want anything to do with his son anymore. I am struggling to come to terms with it all. My son is innocent in all of this and I don't deserve to be talked to like crap by him. I can only guess that he is being nasty because is happy in a relationship somewhere. He is only nice when he wants something. I feel lonely and sad and I just want to put a stop to all this misery.

hello wheelsanddollbaby keep posting on MN and don't despair! your xdh sounds like a horrible piece of work and imho you need to be strong now and make the break; don't let your son become a casualty of the struggle between the two of you. you deserve so much better. he is treating you appallingly and the worst thing is you can see it but you still feel trapped by it. believe me i know exactly how you feel. but there is a way through. don't give up, don't feel down on yourself, none of this is your fault xx

when you say put a stop to all this misery what exactly do you mean? that comment had me a bit worried so please reassure me!!

i'll keep bumping this thread so hopefully you can get some solid advice from other MNers too.

keep posting.

xx

I just can't make sense of it all. I think he is being nasty again because he is with one woman or another and he doesn't need me again. I just feel like I don't deserve to be on the end of his insults and not only does he not care for me but he doesn't care for his son. This is a man who welcomed the birth of his son, says how much he loves him and how proud he is of him and yet can somehow switch into an uncaring monster from one day to the next. I just don't get it. I think I mean that I want all this misery and pain to end surrounding him. It goes away for a while when I don't contact him and then it starts up again worse than before when we speak. The worst thing is he knows exactly what he is doing and purposly hurts me and I just don't deserve it.

cut off contact with him for a while. a trial period. make sure he can still see his son if appropriate but try and draw up some boundaries that will protect you here. would that work?

I have cut off all contact before and he called a bit then stopped bothering(told me he had given up) after about 15 phonecalls in 3months(no visits to house, emails letter, family go betweens etc). I have tried the boundaries or only contact with his son and not me but that doesn't work. He just wants more and more and more. It's his way or no way at all. The lastes thing is, if he can't introduce his son to whoever he wants then he wants nothing to do with his son. He is a bully, immature and plain old selfish. I am sure that him trying to please a woman is behind all of this and I have begged him not to disappear on his son. He just doesn't give a damn. I don't know if it is my fault and I am not patient and don't wait for him to calm down but he says he can't stand the sound of my voice and it just all gets to me. I devoted my life to being a good wife and building a happy home and family and nothing is enough. Nothing I do or say is good enough and he makes me feel as though I am a failure and everyone will think so. It's as though hurting me and making me cry, makes him feel better about himself and makes him feel in control.
He is not reasonable, he is not a calm rational person and I just can't keep standing up just to get knocked down again.I don't know what to do anymore.

he is a bully and the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them in my humble opinion....

have you got a good support network of friends / family around you?

Hi Cath29, I have just been on the miscarriage/berevement topic and now I feel even more depressed. I don't have any family(only child,absent Father and Mother died 5 years ago). I don't have many friends and no close ones. I don't really know why, I live in London and have for over ten years now. I lost touch with all my school friends and over the years people drift in and out of your life).He is really the only person I have. He knows that and it makes him worse. He must really HATE me and I don't know why. His mother threw him out of home at 14 and I think he has a deep rooted mistrust of women. I wished I could understand the psychology of it all. Maybe I am just making excuses for him.
What I am scared of the most is ending up like my Mum, giving up on relationship after my Dad and living for me. I don't want my son to have no one around him when I die like I do.

How are you? How's the pregnancy going? I really admire you. I struggle being a single Mum of one!

wheelsanddoll-i think CBT would help you.you really need to build your self esteem up.your exh is a bully and a control frak and you dont need him in your life.you should see a solicitor to arrange proper contact for him and your ds then have as little as possible to do with him.

my exp who i was with for 4 years was violent and emotionally abusive.we split up 6 years ago and up untill a few months ago he was still trying to control me through the kids,saying that if i got involved in a relationship he had to 'approve' of the man who was a round his kids etc.he was always putting me down in any way he could and made me feel like crap.he even threatened to phone ss on me cos i got angry with him when he was late picking the kids up once,he reckoned i was 'ill' and needed help!

sadly,i needed somebody last year as i was on my own and my dd was seriously ill.i hated asking him for help but i had no choice at the time.

when i met dp,however,my ex started being nasty again,saying he(dp) was only after 1 thing(he is 6 years younger than me and exp claimed that a man of that age would only be interested in a single mum cos he would think she was an easy lay!)and that it wouldnt last etc.then he txt me saying he was only saying these things as he still loved me.he had been with his girlfriend for 5 years by the way.
i felt sick when he said that to me.

a few months ago he came to pick the kids up but was over an hour late,so i got annoyed.he started slagging me off and i could see he was angry so i told him he wasnt taking the kids out.he pushed past me into the house,so dp came through and xp punched/kicked him etc(in front of all the kids).

anyway,he got done for assault and his children(my 2 eldest are his)want nothing more to do with him,as he has shown them that he doesnt care about them.

your son will not hate you,you are not a bad person,and if somebody loves you they treat you with respect.
get him out of your life and work on building yourself up

one day you will meet a decent man who deserves you.

Thanks divastrop
You are absolutely right. I am sorry to hear about your situation,that sounds awful. I am sure my ex doesn't want me to have anyone else. On the odd occasion he comes to pick up our son, my son wants to show him new toys and stuff and he comes in and starts looking threw the cupboards, fridge etc checking for evidence.
My ex claims that when a man treats you badly after a split, thats cause he still loves you. Very twisted! He told me once that he read an article in the newspaper about a single Mum who died and was not discovered for two weeks. Her young child lived off cereal and used to sleep next to her corpse every night. My ex said he thought of me and I keep food in reach of our son. Wicked huh! I have now realised he means me no good, in fact he means me harm and distruction. I have finally made a decision to erase him completely. I have been to a lawyer and she said that I can only arrange contact if his father wants to see him too. If he doesn't pursue contact I cannot force him to see his son regularly. Just going to concentrate on getting my life back on track and keeping happy for my son's sake. I am lucky as my son is a very happy, content and confident child. Thanks for the post. I am moving forward and not going to look back anymore.

Goodmorning WADBI am delighted to read your last post, that is a much healthier attitude to have towards that creep. As far as your ds is concerned, I would have no qualms about keeping him away from your ex, particularly until you are strong enough to be able to stand up against him iyswim.
Perhaps there is a possibility that they could have some kind of relationship in the future but tbh atm he is just using the child to try to control you.
How dare he look in your cupboards!Of course you could meet someone else but not while this waste of space is taking up all your emotional energy.
You say you don't have many family or friends, have you considered moving away and making a fresh start where he couldn't find you? Then in a couple of years when you are on your feet you could contact his family in Jamaica and maybe arrange to visit so that your ds has some contact with that side of the family?

Hi Carmenere,
I am not sure about moving away, just yet. I have a lovely flat in a nice area of London and I don't think I should make any more drastic changes right now. I would like to go to American as that's where all my Aunts, Uncles and cousins live but it's not easy for a Brit to get a visa to work there. As far as his family in Jamaica, they are the reason he has grown up in the monster he is. I know this may sound harsh but his mother cares for no one other than herself. Everytime I speak to her she only asks me for money(which he gambles away). She doesn't know when her grandson's birthday is and my husband's sister's British visa application was rejected as she did not know the first name of our son. She has NEVER spoken to her son and said that he should not behave this way towards his wife or child and there philosophy is that if a man hits you(quite common in their parts)you must not go to the police and if you do you are a horrible for doing so. Anyway enough of this. I am looking forward - onwards and upwards................

Sad as can be
I had an abortion two weeks ago because the father of my child turned verbally abusive when he found out I was pregnant. Due to finances and lack of Family support I thought it was the right decision. However now I am depressed and regretting my decision. Has anyone got any words of advice. The Father is no longer in my life.

Hi, did the clinic offer you any counselling? It is easy to look back and think you have made the wrong decision. When you are pregnant you don't nececssarily think rationally. A friend of mine had a four year old(divorced from her Dad) and she had an affair with a guy that had a girlfriend and got pregnant. She had an abortion and regretted it deeply. A year later she became pregnant again and the father did not want to know but she went ahead with the pregnancy this time and she has a lovely baby boy now. She's a single Mum to two and despite still regretting the abortion she has a new focus. I am not sure that having another baby is the answer. Try counselling or do an internet search they have lots of online groups that offer support for things like this.