I'm still struggling

[MummySparkle]

I had a post a few weeks ago. I don't really know what to say, I've agreed with my OH that I won't harm again, but I really really want to. I can't shake the thoughts. I've been trying to figure out ways to do things without him knowing.

I've been horrible and shouty towards the DCs, social worker can new again on weds and I feel like I'm going backwards.

I'm not feeling 100% physically this week either, and I iust feel so flat. I'm so fed up of constantly fighting off the voice in my head that says 'I jus meant to die' over and over again :(

Didn't want to read and run lovely. Its so tough being in that situation.

Something that has helped me through a rough moment or two is to take my hands and stroke myself gently, just on the arm or face. sounds mad but it almost always gives me just the teeniest lift which is sometimes all you need.

Will be thinking of you xxx

Thanks for your reply quellerosiel

I had a rough night last night. I ended up taking some lorazepam to shut my head up a bit. It helped me fall asleep in the end. It took ages for the DCs to sleep last night. DD woke in the night, and I fell over stumbling back to our bed with her in my arms. She was fine, but I have 3 massive bruises on my legs today. The lorazepam makes it really hard for me to get up in the morning. I Feel dreadful after taking it, but it's the only thing that stops my head from going into overdrive.

I really wanted to buy some more things to harm with today. I managed to stop myself because I was already in the checkout queue and I didn't want people staring at me and analysing what I was doing.

I discovered an extra 2 week supply of my medication earlier that I didn't know I had. My thoughts are constantly telling me to do things.

I'm sorry, I se to be wallowing somewhat. Social Worker is coming tomorrow morning, so I need to make sure the house is spic and span. I'm finally meeting my new mental health team in the afternooni. I'm quite nervous. In theory it's a handover from the team where I used to live to my new team, but I've never met anyone from the old team anyway, despite beig under there care for months. It's going to be a room full of strangers and I'm worried.