** pregnant and finding it hard to cope **

[cath29]

after advice to start a specific thread on this topic i'm hoping this will be helpful to me and to others!

i'm 19 weeks pregnant and my dp left when i was 9 weeks after several weeks of hell between the 2 of us. he now communicates by email as and when he feels like it. i don't know where he is or what involvement he might have with me or dbaby. i have a dd who will be 4 in jan from a previous relationship so am quite used to being a single mum, but now i'm a single mum, with a demanding 3 year old, with a far-from-smooth pregnancy, really depressed about the loss of my dp, trying to manage all this without much support from friends and family as most of them think i shouldve had an abortion.

have to admit that at times i am really, really struggling to keep my head above water. i am just taking one day at a time and things are certainly easier than 1 or 2 months ago. but i'm scared about the birth and the early months, resentful of other happy pg women, and just really low on energy reserves or patience levels!!

please do post if any of this rings true with you, if you have any similar experience or advice. it would really help me.

You say your family say you are acting aggressively or crazy. I'm not surprised, anyone in your situation would be acting out of character.

I find it deeply disturbing that all your family want you to have an abortion. What about what you want? Could they not offer to help you in some way?

Last strategy: ( I forgot to add this) Get in toudh with Homestart, they will help you with dd. Midwife,doctor,hv or yourself can refer.

Do relaxation exercises when you can't sleep, this may help you to drop off or, buy some phenergan from chemist. It is an anti-histamine which really knocks you out. It is sometimes used for sickness in pregnancy, and is safe in moderation.

if you want to talk about fears re the birth... i'm all ears..and have some good links to birth trauma help ........

i would ask for regular counselling...as CBT is good, but counselling would also be beneficial for you....IMO

you need to build up a network of friends & support

lone parent organisations...Gingerbread ? not very knowledgeable about this area

ask your HV for more contacts

also definitely second Sure Start or Home Start suggestion

and there is lots of support for lone parents here..

nothing else to add.....((hugs)) wish i could help a bit more xx

i'm now 21 weeks and it is far too late to have an abortion and to be honest i never seriously considered it as an option. my family feel like they support me enough already, they hate my dp who isn't currently around for his own reasons (he might or might not come back who knows..) and they are basically quite upper-class (for want of a better way of putting it?!) and i just think the way i am and the way i live my life challenges them too much and they can't deal with it. mostly the acrimony is with my mother and the 2 of us have just never got on. she has constantly tried to control my life choices - and failed - and become angry and resentful..

it's hard right now because i really need support from my brothers, say, and they're siding with my mum so i do feel really isolated in the family

i've got some good friends around but a lot of them don't live as nearby since i moved..

i do find sleeping really hard. thanx for the phenergan tip

thanx lulumama. i am scared about the birth (VBAC, remembre?) but that's not the main thing. i'm more scared about what comes afterwards!

i'll definitely go back to the GP and be more honest about how bad i feel right now.

i am building up a network slowly with pregnancy groups, yoga etc.. but i don't really know other single mums; i should work on that. the hard thing is, when you're just getting to know people (off the internet that is!) you don't want to immediately confide in them and tell them how hard things are.. at least i don't.. i find that quite hard maybe i'm shy tho i come across as really confident..

i do remember! i think that people will warm to you regardless. you are a lovely person.. you come across as a very positive and determined woman...doing the best for your family in the face of adversity....there must be lone parents out there who can tell you where to find support....... you are doing well..give yourself some credit ..xx

Hey Rainbowgirl,

don't know your work/free time circumstances but what about volunteering for a charity? Helping others makes us feel good about ourselves and is very rewarding. Also takes mind off own problems for a wee while..

Have you thought of reading some books - I was very down some years ago after coming out of a toxic relationship and found 'the road less travelled' a very good book. I read it once a year to remind me how far I have come..

big hugs

i haven't got any free time whatsoever or that would be a good plan foxymagoo. i try and give out positive energy to people wherever i can tho and that does help. and i try to read tho finding that hard right now (think because i'm getting depressed again).

thank you for your kind words lulumama i don't feel like a lovely person right now i feel pretty down on myself tonight

bless you rainbow....((hugs))

try to take the ADs everyday..they are safe...and you might find it does make a wee bit of difference....

take it easy..we all have off days , even when not depressed...

any Mnetters near you?

What horrible friends! Can you join an antenatal group either via your HV or the NCT to try and meet people who will support you? Homestart is good and also, any local college which offers childcare courses will have students who need to do placements with a mum and baby as part of their studies. They will come to you three days a week to help out with anything that needs doing with a baby. I think in your case, you might well get priority and it is well worth it (also it is free!). Please take care of yourself.

And please, please don't worry about being the only single mum. I have a friend who was the only single mum at our postnatal group and it never made the slightest bit of difference. After all, we tended to meet just as women without your husbands/partners anyway so she didn't feel different, and nobody cut her out of anything because she was on her own. People babysat for her too.

Switch to AD's that have proven to be safe during pregnancy. These are prozac, amitryptiline, imipramine, and nortryptiline. Amitryptiline is very sedating and will help tremendously with sleep problems. They are all safe all through pregnancy, so don't skip doses.

GP sounds a twat, I don't think you have "chosen" anything, more been literally left holding the baby. Go back.

CBT waiting lists are horrendous, but if you have money you can get it privately. That book explains it all, and has been proven to work, even if you can't get to a therapist. Beware the sort of counselling that makes you dwell on or discuss your problems in detail, this type of thing can make you feel worse.

Join gingerbread they are really helpful.

Hope you feel better soon...xxxxx

Just read my message and it sounds really severe!

Sorry, lots to type and I was trying to keep it brief, it sounds really curt!

Please forgive

fizzbuzz it's ok i didn't think it sounded severe.. more direct

citalopram is same class as prozac and there is very little difference between the supposed risks / effects. i have researched this a lot believe me. with both the main risks are slight increased risk of miscarriage in 1st trimester (possibly tho not proven) and the baby might be born with slight dependence if you take them at very end of last trimester (again not really proven but apparently some babies are a bit 'jittery' when mums have been on SSRIs).

but you have made me think about amitriptyline, i took it some years ago, it might be a solution as i could take it at night and it might help me sleep...

thank u

also for the gingerbread thing.. i know i should join.. it's been on my list of things to do for ages just all getting on top of me you know?

My info on AD's came from a maternal physciatrist
(spelling!?) who dealt totally with pregnant and bfeeding mums. That is where I got my info from re AD's. The ones I mentioned were the ones she recommended, as they had the most research and data on them. She was also the one who said about phenergan

I too have hideous sleep problems, but taking amitryptiline has really helped. Wasn't even that tired when dd was a newborn, because I fell asleep so easily in between feeds.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

ok thanks that's really helpful to know. i might ask about switching to amitryptiline.. thank you!

Hi - not sure you'll want to hear from me but just thought I'd pass on something that helps me when I'm feeling a bit low, especially if I've had a hard day with my DS.

It sounds very morbid but I always think about horror stories like the Corfu children or the two kiddies that died recently when their dad killed them. I then thank my lucky stars that I'm not in that position and that helps me cope with a bad day.

Sandy

thanks sandy. ikwym about thinking of others in awful circumstances. it helps me to think of all those brave and bold ladies in war-torn regions like iraq or sudan looking after their children (born and unborn) in unimaginably bad circumstances.. then i'm thankful.. also i realise the resilience of the human spirit.. however in my hormonal pregnant state stories like the corfu one just make me cry

thanks again, hope things bit better for you now?

I know what you mean about being pregnant and alone - can feel very scary. I don't think it's just your hormones that are making you cry with stories like that, can honestly say those things can really upset me more now I am a mum than ever before.

Can honestly say that having a baby effectively on my own was hard at times but very rewarding too. Whilst I would love to meet someone new I also think in some ways it is easier being on your own when it comes to certain decision making etc. Also, when I go to bed feel so tired can't imagine having any energy for anything other than a good book!!

Sandy

i know what you mean.

i miss my dp like crazy and am finding this whole experience increasingly challenging but it is definitely making me tougher...

did anyone else take amitriptyline during pregnancy?