** pregnant and finding it hard to cope **

[cath29]

after advice to start a specific thread on this topic i'm hoping this will be helpful to me and to others!

i'm 19 weeks pregnant and my dp left when i was 9 weeks after several weeks of hell between the 2 of us. he now communicates by email as and when he feels like it. i don't know where he is or what involvement he might have with me or dbaby. i have a dd who will be 4 in jan from a previous relationship so am quite used to being a single mum, but now i'm a single mum, with a demanding 3 year old, with a far-from-smooth pregnancy, really depressed about the loss of my dp, trying to manage all this without much support from friends and family as most of them think i shouldve had an abortion.

have to admit that at times i am really, really struggling to keep my head above water. i am just taking one day at a time and things are certainly easier than 1 or 2 months ago. but i'm scared about the birth and the early months, resentful of other happy pg women, and just really low on energy reserves or patience levels!!

please do post if any of this rings true with you, if you have any similar experience or advice. it would really help me.

Hi Cath

Have you spoke to the GP/midwife about how you are feeling and your concerns?

How about homestart? I have a volunteer who is wonderful, she comes out to see me for 2 hrs each week and plays with children so I can do a bi of hsewrk or have a quick nap. She is another set of ears to listen and gives me some pretty sound advice.

Just remember to take one day at a time and keep posting.

yes i have they know my situation, i do suffer from depression at times, i am actually doing well all things considered and they say i am not 'depressed' as such just in a tough and challenging situation which anyone would find stressful.. it just gets on top of me sometime.. haven't heard of homestart thanx for that i'll have a look

Cath, you're doing a grand job - what else can you do but take one day at a time?

For the early months, could you look to employ a local childcare student on a part-time basis to help you out? You've got some time to go yet and I think have an opportunity to put a support network in place now if you can. The Homestart suggestion is excellent, also talking to your dd's hv and seeing what he/she can suggest.

Whereabouts are you? The MN network can be a powerful thing!

cath you are doing well take it one at at a time try to build support now MN is a powerful thing and people on here will be able to support if only virtually
try to do one positive thing each day

defintiely get in touch with your local college and put your name down for having help from a Nursery nurse or similar student who needs to get some hands on experience. My friend found the young lady who was assigned to her to be a bit like Mary Poppins
And keep up the good work Cath29. And as others have said, never underestimate the powerful help and support of Mumsnet.

thanks tribpot, gothicmama and mckenzie.. good suggestion about the student i'll see if i can follow it up.. i was thinking of a doula and i know they have funding available sometimes, you're right tribpot that i need to get the support network in place now, at least i've started making more of an effort with other mums and with MN

Cath,

I had a horrible second pregnancy. It was totally unplanned and to be frank couldn't have come at a worst time - dh was a student, we had absolutely no money, we were at each others throats the whole time and, to top it all I had a boss who hated me and was doing her damndest (sp?) to get me sacked. Most days, certainly in the first few months, I just felt like throwing myself under a bus
I think that all you can do is take one day at a time. Things did get better and once dd2 was born, they had improved considerably. I also think that all the bad circumstances were compounded by pregnancy hormones.
I also think the idea about getting a student from an FE college is a really good one - I did this with my 3rd baby and it was very sucessful. I actually got 2 childcare students who came weekabout.
Finally, for what it's worth despite all the stress she suffered whilst still 'in the womb' dd2 is the most chilled out and cheerful of all my kids.

Hi Cath,
I am not a single parent, but had a c section this time when ds1 was only 16 months, homestart volunteers came to help me push toddler to the park while I was still recovering. Also, I have come across a lot of mums locally who had placement students. There is a placement co-ordinator in our local childcare dept of college. From our college the students can come at the ends of the summer and easter terms. Try not to worry too much about what your ex is up to, it will be his loss missing out on his child when it arrives. Also, I'm sure you have, but don't forget to update the tax credit people, or apply for tax credits if you weren't eligible when dp was around. In a few months you will have a beautiful baby and all those people who think you should have a termination will be ashamed of themselves.

bogwobbit - thanks so much for your post and i agree with you about the pregnancy hormones, i feel so 'close' to everything if that makes any sense to you? like it's hard to get distance emotionally..

flibbertyjibbet - i am trying not to worry what he is up to but it is sooo hard!! i can't even think of him or refer to him as my ex, i still call him my partner.. think i am somewhat in denial really trying to get myself to face facts but it is hard with him still emailing me, don't think he's being very fair on me at all. thanks for what you said about people eating their words, let's hope so

do you pay for homestart ?

homestart is free. You need to get referred by a midwife, health visitor etc. By the way I was online last night after DP went to bed (waiting for my bread machine to finish cycle!) and I was mooching through other threads. Saw your postings giving comments on other threads (ie the wierdo had fertility treatment with married man...) and I have to say that you come across as a very intelligent, articulate, head screwed on kinda gal. So you don't need a twerp like him! Men just like to check occasionally ie by email that they still have control of you. I think that the human brain cannot handle rejection and thats what makes all break ups so horrible. We look for straws to clutch that they might still want us and thats why still having contact is so hard. I had one ex (although I know there were no kids involved so nothing like you have now) who dumped me, but rang me once a fortnight or so to 'see how I was'. It really wound me up, so I told him not to contact me any more and he was really shocked. Why don't you tell your ex not to contact you any more and that you will be in touch with him via the csa when the baby is born? That should rattle his cage nicely and perhaps concentrate his mind as to what he really wants from you?

flibbertyjibbet i'll give it some serious thought... i know this sounds incredible though and maybe a bit crazy but i really do think it's more that the balance of his mind is disturbed than that he has rejected me outright.. i know he does still love me (and dd and the LO) but i just think he's in a really dark place.. it's hard to deal with that. your idea might do the trick LOL

Some men just freak at the idea of pregnancy and the responsibility of being a dad but then come round and face up to it all and make brilliant dads. Hope he is one of those?

flibbertyjibbert is rught, you have enough on your plate wihtout having to worry about your partner/ex partner. He might come good in the end but you have to put yourself and your baby first for now. It might be tough, but if I was in your situation I would stop all contact, delete his email address and numbers from my phone and get on with living until he sorts himself out. To be fair to him, it would be cruel to excludehim form any news of your and your baby's well being, so do you have a mutual friend / trusted relative he could contact to reassure him and update him? That way he knows that you are Ok, but cannot mess up your head or give you mixed messages. There is nothing worse than holding out for someone who doesn't want you but hasn't stopped caring about you. (Speaking from personal experience here ....) Be strong enough to distance yourself, be realistic and put yourself first. Don't necessarily close the door forever, he might not be a hopeless case and might come good. But you don't need his crap at the moment.
I feel for you and am sending you best wishes / cyber hugs!

You can refer yourself to homestart, it doesn't have to be the GP or HV. They give details of how to do it on the website.

I suffered from ante-natal depression and started a website with information about this condition and where you can get help. Hope it helps. Here

Cath29 I was thinking about whilst pushing pram around this afternoon. When you say that he is in a dark place at the moment I hope its not that blokey excuse of 'oh my head is cabbaged' or 'I don't know whats going on in my head at the moment' etc etc which I have had said to me by men messing me around when I was single with no kids involved even. I don't care how sad his own mental state is at the moment, its you that is pregnant and needing support and he has run off with his own messed up head and trying to mess up yours too. You could always press the button on the email that says 'this is spam' so any messages from him will be bounced back without you even having to know whether he sends any or not.

awwww thanks for thinking of me i've got a thread in lone parents, 'does anyone predict a happy ending', describes my sit. in a bit more detail if you're interested it's a bit heavy tbh.. you're right and you're wrong - he really has acted like a complete f*wit by disappearing on me but also he really is quite unwell and i don't think he would be acting like this if he could help it. it's really hard.

I'll say it again - stop worrying about him! You have enough on your plate. I know its harsh but just leave him to get better or sort himself out on his own, you should just concentrate on your little bubba and DD. If you have been a single parent before then you know you can cope. Its up to him to sort himself out and get the help he needs without doing your head in along the way.

hi, cath here (changed my name)... i'm worried i'm sinking further into depression and not sure what to do about it.. feeling really lethargic and just quite bleak about the future.. getting on badly with family members and they seem to all think i am going crazy or acting aggressively, i really don't feel like it myself, but maybe they can't all be wrong..??.. i am seriously worried that if i feel like this now, how will i cope with a newborn baby and a daughter of 4? so i worry at night, can't sleep, and it all just gets worse and worse

i'm bumping this as i'm hoping for some coping strategies from people.. i've just had a huge row with my mum and to be honest everything today just seems overwhelming and pointless.. i'm starting to think i just can't cope on my own and that the children are very unlucky to have me as a mum can't stop crying

Oh dear Rainbow Girl, how hard for you at the moment. I would think it was fairly normal to feel as you in your situation.

Strategies:1) Go to GP about anti depressants. You can take them whilst pg. I took them all through pregnancy and have perfect dd.

2. Find websites on CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and start doing it. I don't know any actual website names, but just bung it in the search engine, loads will come up. Also book called "the Feeling Good Handbook" which explains CBT ( Amazon have it)

3. Do not underestimate power of pregnancy hormones. I was on AD's all through pregnancy for crippling anxiety. As soon as dd was born, anxiety disappeared. The brain actually undergoes biochemical changes during pregnancy, and you may feel better after birth. (I did)

4. Speak to midwife about fear of birth. Some hospitals employ midwives just to deal with this. I saw one, and it did help.

5. Remember everything passes in time.

Hope this helps xxxxx

Hello there. Fizzbuzz talks a lot of sense. I definitely think your GP/HV should be offering some proper support -- you say early on that they say you're not depressed, but you clearly feel you're sinking again and since you're familiar with depression, I think they need to take you seriously.
Your GP/HV may be able to arrange some CBT if you feel that would help.
Please don't let it slide, I know it's difficult but please go back and force them to listen to you -- you deserve better.
xx

thank you both for your posts. i do take ADs but not every day because i worry about their effects on the baby in spite of all the reassurance. i take citalopram. the GP knows i'm struggling but all he says is 'well you chose this path you knew it was a hard path to go down, so you've just got to be brave and keep going', he means well, but that's not actually that helpful! they can't fund CBT on NHS where i live unless you have properly gone mad, taken your clothes off and run down the road singing 'i am Jesus'. there is no money in mental health services it's really bad. i guess i should go back on monday tho and say more how i am feeling. ante-natally i think there is something in you which just keeps you going; post-natally that isn't the case and i'm very scared at times about how i'll cope when the baby is born

i just feel like every1 i know thinks i'm mad to have kept the baby and sometimes i become aware of how little support i have from friends and family, and with dp having left i just feel so very at times