Depression - give me some pointers about socializing

[JeanneDeMontbaston]

I have chronic depression, on and off medication for it and I'm fairly familiar with how it goes, though it seems to be a bit worse that the moment (in cycles) than it has been.

I know that, in general, the advice is that you shouldn't isolate yourself, and you should push yourself to socialize a bit. I generally do this, but I'm fairly keen on my space as a person. My friends keep trying to help by checking up on me - lots of 'are you doing anything exciting? Do you have any fun plans?' questions. It makes me feel rotten and slightly panicky, because at the moment I really hate planning anything more than a couple of days ahead, and I really don't feel like throwing myself into a social whirl.

Do you have any advice? Should I be pushing myself harder, or should I go with my gut and accept that so long as I'm doing good things with my time (ie., not sitting in a dark room feeling sorry for myself), I'm probably ok?

I think you should do what is comfortable for you at the moment, and try to arrange your social life to fit in with what feels right with you. For me, accepting me as I am, not comparing myself to some notion of what I should be like, is really important for my mental health, and that includes the amount of socialising I do.

You sound like you have good friends who care about you. Can you just arrange low key meet ups with them at shorter notice when you feel like it?

I need lots of time on my own - there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I also find socialising in groups very, very hard work even if it is with people I enjoy spending time with individually.

I am reading Ruby Wax's Sane New World - finding it very good. She has experienced mental health problems. She tells of being invited by a friend to a dinner party with the Labour Party top brass and finding it really liberating to realise she could just say "no thanks" because she was not feeling up to it at that time, rather than going and having a horrible time. Not quite on the scale of my social life dilemmas but I recognise the feeling.

You sound like you are doing really well and I don't think you should push yourself. I think you should spend your free time doing things which make you feel relaxed and comfortable, as far as that is possible with your depression.

Thanks very much, that's really helpful (and will check out the Ruby Wax - I've found her a bit irritating to listen to, but it sounds a good read).

And yes, I do have lovely kind friends and this absolutely isn't about feeling they're doing anything wrong. I just don't quite know how to judge things.

hi jeanne nothing wrong with liking your own space. I find too much socialising exhausting

Have you told your friends that you don't like thinking more than a couple of days ahead? They sound pretty supportive. When I was in a bad bit last time I decided to be honest with my friends and that helped- they knew what to expect and were supportive around those boundaries until I was back to my normal.

Hi.

Yes, I have mentioned it, but I think at least some of them feel as if it's their job to be sort of jollying me along, or they're a bit frustrated that I seem to be doing nothing with my time.

I just feel upset every time I get the 'anything fun' question because - probably very overthinking-ly - I interpret it as 'goodness she's being boring at the moment'. And if I say I've spent the morning in the garden, or I've had a nice coffee with another mate, I feel as if those are being seen as boring, run of the mill things. Which they are, but they're the level of interaction I can cope with at the moment.