Recovering from mental illness-now guilt has set in

[BigBirthdayGloom]

I've been suffering from anxiety and depression for a very long time, lower level, then really unwell a couple of years ago which was successfully treated with cbt and later citalopram which I'm still taking. I have also been diagnosed and prescribed medication for adhd and that has been the piece in the puzzle of me starting to function "normally" again. I wouldn't say I'm completely where is like to be, but I'm able to have times I enjoy being with my kids and I laugh more and generally I'm on the up.

Thing is, I'm now feeling hugely guilty about what experience my three children have had. I know that dwelling won't help, that its not my fault, that I've worked hard to get diagnosis and treatment especially for the adhd. So my head knows I've done my best. And also, given that dd2 still sleeps badly, I'm doing okay and must expect sleep deprivation to make me feel less skippety hoppety!
But still there's the more than nagging sadness and guilt that they haven't had a baking, playing, smiling mummy and still haven't to an extent. It was my dh writing a note "from the fairies" to our youngest that made me feel sad today-it's the sort of thing I used to do but has fallen by the wayside.

And now my youngest is nearly four, I'm sad that she'll be off to school and I won't "catch up" the lovely times we could have had.

Anyone else had this, and have you felt better as time passed and you get more good times with dc in the memory bank?

I have had exactly this - I spent my DSs early years in and out of psychiatric units and mainly in bed the rest of the time. I don't have a magic way of getting rid of the guilt but I tell myself

1. I didn't do it on purpose - it's an illness.
2. V few people IN REALITY have these perfect, baking, crafting mothers. Facebook makes it look to be so but it isn't! Most people have real people as parents and that is good enough.
3. My DSs seem to have v little recollection of me being ill in their early years. What they care about is knowing they are loved and they've never doubted that
4. So what if DH does the notes from tooth fairy etc - he's their parent too. You don't have to be Supermummy - she doesn't exist!!!

The sheer fact this is worrying you shows that you love your children and I'm sure they therefore feel loved. Nothing else matters.

No one has a perfect life. Down times are part of being alive. The image of the perfect mother is not realistic, no one is really like that.

Have you heard of radical acceptance? Google it. It helped me a lot.

Meditation and mindfulness also helped.

It's not easy - I spent most of my 20s unable to function due to mental illness and sometimes I feel so angry about that. But that just wastes more time and energy and threatens to pull me back into being ill.

Better to try to accept and move on.