Depressed DH

[sparklingsea]

Have never posted an op on mumsnet before so please be gentle.

I am beside myself with worry about DH who I think is depressed. His symptoms are what he describes as a coldness or emptiness inside of him rather than a sadness. This lack of feeling is particularly directed towards me, he admits he does not know how he feels about me or the marriage anymore. He says he is tired of being strong, tired of life, gets on with what he has to do but that is it. He has had considerable business and money worries.

We made a decision 18 months ago that me and DCs would move back to the UK for their education which we did 8 months ago. He was the driving force behind this huge decision and was very supportive to me when I had huge anxieties about the move. We see each other within every six weeks, Skype as much as possible.

He has zero libido and either sleeps terribly or is out for 10/11 hours a night.
When we are apart he says he neither misses me or DCs and feels that is very wrong.

He agrees something is not right and says has been feeling like this for over a year, it is as if he has nothing emotionally left to give. He has agreed to see a Dr and is researching who would be appropriate to see ( not in UK so not as simple as a trip to the gp). I am really pleased he has agreed to make this first step. I just really want to know what I can do to help him? I have offered my full support and understanding but finding it very hard to keep my own emotions in check, been together 21 years, married 14 and has always been my rock, Am feeling very hurt about his numbness towards me. He says I have done nothing wrong but is just not feeling 'it'.

I have a history of anxiety particularly which has been very under control the last 4 years(on meds and happy to be so) so I have insight into being in a bad place but can't relate to this numbness he describes. I so wish it was me suffering as I would know how to deal with it.

Anyone have any ideas how I can support him and not me my own hurt feelings get in the way? Can depression make you feel indifferent about a loved one?

Thanks

Oh OP what a difficult time for you. You seem really lovely and supportive which is exactly what he needs now.

I've never had to cope with a depressed DP, but my DP had to look after me when I had a nervous breakdown.

I think my main issue was trying to make him understand how I feel, but then I realised that he could never know without going through it himself so what I appreciated was him just giving me the time to be able to cry, or sleep or reminding me to eat and drink.

Depression can make you distance yourself from everyone because the feelings you have to deal with are so tiring and draining it's difficult to maintain relationships or even have the energy to try. It is not you so please never think that, it's his illness.

Remember though that your feelings are just as valid, and you also need support through this. Don't hold everything inside, speak to your friends or people on here if it helps.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am very lucky to have fantastic and supportive friends I can off load to.

Having said I have well controlled anxiety issues myself I can feel my self slipping in to old thought patterns and that does concern me. I realise that DH admitting to me about his indifference to me has been a shock and my feelings are going to be all over the place, I so want to be there for him though, I don't want to make it worse for him by being tearful and anxious all over the place. All this is compounded by me and Dcs going back to the UK next week, what I thought would be a lovely Easter break together has been anything but.

I am finding it very hard to hold on to it being depression that has wiped away his feelings for me and not me somehow making him depressed! I have told him he needs to concentrate on getting himself in a better place mentally before doing anything rash like ending a marriage! His depression is like an extra person hanging around with us pulling us all down. Positive news is that he has a Drs appointment so I hope he will get confirmation that he is depressed and make some steps to move forward. Watching a loved one go through this really is worse than me dealing with myself, but then I have had years of practice working on my coping strategies. Thanks again for listening

Oh lovely, I really feel for you. I hope it goes well at the GP's, are you going with him? If so you speak to the doctor too, tell him what's been going on. I only say this because we have an incredible tendency to down play thing - I had to take my mum with me to explain for me!

It will get better, and although you have to be strong for him don't put your feelings to the back burner.

I understand so much of what you are saying, Grays. My husband went through a period of several years when he had two severe psychotic episodes resulting inhospital admissions both times, and poor mental health around those. He was on various ADs before they administered ECT which was what really sorted him out. He remains on venlafaxine but has really recovered. At the time I thought we would never come through it, but we have and we are now closer than ever. I know what a lonely place you are in, and hope that you have someone that you can share things with. For me, that helped immensely. Look after yourself too, because it will take its toll on you too. PM me if you would like to.

Oops, sorry. Meant Sparkling not Grays!

Thank you ladylinda, a lonely place sums it up completely. I have had a lovely time with dear friends today, come back home and feel so flat. I start to ruminate that being married to me must be so dreadful that he now feels the way he does but the rational side of me knows I cannot take responsibility for his feelings.

Grays, the Drs appointment is annoyingly after I have left to go to the UK, I have no choice but to go as children go back to school. He is seeing a psychiatrist (where we are the gps don't deal much with initial diagnoses of mental health stuff) so I guess that really will tell us if he is depressed or not. I suggested he write a list with me of his symptoms so he does not forget anything important, he seemed to find that suggestion highly annoying, I might write one for him anyway.

It is good to hear a marriage can survive this, I feel pretty desperate if I allow myself to think it may not. I am still in shock to be honest and am hanging on to the fact I think it is the depression talking all the negative stuff and not my lovely husband. Our situation is complicated by the fact we spend more time than not in different countries which I feel may be a huge factor in why he is in this state. Financially it has to be like this for now.

Selfishly I am keen to get back to my life in the UK as it has been so awful but feel so guilty about leaving him alone like this though suspect he may feel relieved too.

I really as appreciate your messages, thank you so much .

Being back with friends and family will do you good, Sparkling, and, to be honest, if he really is depressed he will be unable to interact with you much just now anyway, so may well be relieved that he doesn't have to try. Try not to take it all personally - it's the illness talking , not him. I know that's hard to take though. Be kind to yourself

For what it's worth, I don't think anyone can "cause" depression in another. It's a complicated illness. Don't blame yourself.

I agree westendgal, I am not causing his depression, our circumstances could very well be though and that leaves me feeling vulnerable....I suppose I am thinking if in some way me or his indifferent feelings towards me are causing his depressed reaction then maybe I can do something about it to help!? I know that isn't logical, I can't do anything other than be supportive and patient, I just feel sad and lost with it all myself. He definitely responds to me being more relaxed about everything, he doesn't need me all weepy all over the place, just when I am panicking inside and desperate to 'fix' him it is not so easy.

You are probably best off trying to find him good professional help. Agree with PP, depression is complex.

every 6 weeks is not very much to see him; sounds as though the long distance situation is contributing to his depression.

is there any chance he could come over here a bit more long term and you could work on it?

when people spend a lot of time apart it changes things in a relationship and is very hard for both parties.

make sure your own feelings and thoughts don't get sidelined through this as your mental health is equally important as his, especially if you are looking after DCs.

It's very hard when you're concerned about someone else (especially a significant other) but make sure you've got something else in your life (time for yourself, your interests etc) to look forward to and enjoy aside from the issues with DH as it will keep you ticking over.

A quick update. DH spent an hour and a half talking to a psychiatrist this week. I am so pleased he has made this first step. He liked the Dr and felt comfortable talking to him. All good, however, I really don't know what happens from here. Dr says he wants to see him within two weeks, I am assuming he therefore does feel he has some issues? I feel a bit flat and impatient as I was holding out for some confirmation of my diagnosis that he is depressed! I have no experience of seeing a psychiatrist so not really sure how the process works and how the course of treatment of therapy and or medication will continue. I flip between feeling positive that he has acknowledged that there is a problem to feeling desperate that my marriage may not survive this. I will do everything in my power to get through this marriage intact but he seems so indifferent. I suggested flying out to see him in a week or two without the children, he says yes if I want to but not able to say if he does or doesn't want me to. Leaves me continuing to feel very alone in all of this and at a loss of how best to support him. Any suggestions gratefully received!

Thank you for listening.

really sounds like you need some MH support yourself OP. Even if you don't feel like you're depressed yourself maybe just get some professional talking therapy as it will really help you get your head around things. It sounds as though you could do with it.

It's very hard as an observer on a forum to speculate on whether or not your marriage will survive. If he is depressed (which it sounds as if he is) it distorts everything like relationships, jobs etc and often people genuinely don't know whether they are or aren't into something and this can change when they seek help for better or worse. But I would say it is worth making mental preparations in case your marriage doesn't make it, e.g., with your own talking therapy. I would consider the different outcomes that may arise (e.g. you stay together, you separate etc) and what you might do in those events so you are at least mentally a bit more prepared either way. It sounds like changes have to happen even if you stay together.

If I were you I would feel devastated that my DH couldn't decide whether he wanted me to come over or not, and depression aside, I hate to say it but that would be setting alarm bells ringing for me about the real reason for his depression. That said the depression could just be making him indifferent to everything so it may not mean it's personal he could just be very ill.

Take one step at a time; get some help for yourself. Maybe postpone visiting for a few weeks until he has had the first appointment and see where it goes from there. It may well have a positive effect on him and help both of you decide the best way forwards.

As a person who has had depression (sounds like that is what he has got- it's good he's not being shoved full of pills straight away though!) I would say that if I said to my partner "come but only if you want to" it would mean "yes I want you to come, but I'm worried that I'm going to be miserable company and you'll have a terrible time and a wasted journey and you'll hate me forever".

If he really didn't want you to come I'm sure he would say (though that in itself would be worrying).

I'm only going from my own experience, and that of supporting depressed friends. Just be there. Your physical presence, even if you two aren't talking, just the physical being there for someone else means a lot. You can't solve his problems, but you can hold his hand- IYSWIM?

Thank you for your thoughts. I have long struggled with anxiety with depression myself which with the help of meds has been very well controlled for some years, I had an horrific bout of ante natal depression, the worst place I have ever been but my suffering does not involve the flat empty feelings he describes, it is much more of an anxious agitated state. Whilst I feel sad and distressed a lot at the moment I don't feel in any way that I can't cope at the with my daily life, when in a bad patch of anxiety I begin to no longer feel I can cope. Him not coping is a new concept for me to deal with, the first time I have had to deal with this in 21 years. I know myself and my symptoms very well and am always proactive in getting help, for my own sake but more so for my family.

I do absolutely want to hold his hand, he deserves some hand holding, I somehow need to quell my need to talk about things all the time and do things at his pace. I would so much prefer to be suffering myself than to watch him suffer. I think whilst he is in a bad way I need to change some of my expectations of what our time together is going to be like and try my hardest to be a supportive presence than a needy wife!

Agree wholeheartedly with fluffy. So good that he has taken a first step.he is at present incapable of expressing that he wants you there, but that doesn't mean he doesn't! Hope it all works out for you

I went through similar with my DH and have some insight into what you're going through.

It's brilliant that he's seeking help and that it came from him. The 'numbness' is just the way his depression manifests itself. My DH was similar at times but mostly it came out as anger.

I would strongly suggest you seek help for yourself too. I know helping my DH had an affect on me and I don't have the same history as you.

Take care.

Agree with Gatehouse. Take care of yourself. Try to find someone who you can speak to in RL so that you don't feel so alone. I'm sure things will get better. They certainly did for us. I sometimes look back now and wonder if it really was that bad - but it really was. Keep talking here too, it helps to talk to someone who has been there. I don't think people who haven't can really. Understand!

Thank you again for you messages, it does really help. Yes it is so good that he has sought help, it was I might add only after I presented him with a list of depression symptoms in men that I googled and the 'not sure how I feel about you' conversation that he reluctantly agreed that yes there was perhaps something wrong. He said I don't miss you or the children and I know that is not right. I said for our marriage and our families sake but more so for him he must get help, so am very heartened that he has listened to me.

I am telling myself to be very, very patient. I find that extraordinarily hard! I have an imminent house sale which should all be completed in 2 weeks ish. After that I will fly out to see him, I won't ask if he really wants me to again, shall just say I want to and go and be as supportive as I can, even just filling the freezer with his favourite meals. I think he feared me going and being in an upset state myself which makes him feel worse. I realise I can't 'fix' him, only point him in the right direction and be as supportive as,possible. Am having to relearn the balance of our relationship, Am so used to him knowing my every emotion that holding back for his sake feels very odd. Still I am at least today feeling more positive. Thank you again.

you sound like you're being really strong, sparkling, and good on you for being so supportive of him!! And you have a good plan for when you get there too.

I hope it goes well for you - but do look after yourself in all of this.