Housemate told me she has depression and has been contemplating suicide

[Notsurewhattosayordo]

Hi all (namechanged)

I'm very ignorant about mental health, and suicidal thoughts in particular - it's not touched my life (that I'm aware of) so far. My housemate told me before Easter that she has, over the course of several years, had depression, and seriously contemplating suicide.

I don't know how to support her. I can listen and be there for her, ask how she's doing, but is there anything else I can say or do? She's only told a very few people, and I'm the only one who sees her every day. I don't want to press her to talk or to think about it if she's having a good day, but when she told me she's on a number of occasions put everything in order before taking the last steps of committing suicide, I was horrified.

Not wanting to make this about me, I completely haven't noticed. Either that she's been depressed (I thought it was just the general ups and downs of life - shitty day/week at work, fight with her brother, that type of thing), or that she's had suicidal thoughts. A huge part of me is screaming "how did I not see this happening" and petrified that I'll arrive home one day to find her dead or having made an attempt.

Any advice very gratefully received with thanks.

[Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

Being there for her is great. Listening when she wants to talk.

But also being there when she doesn't. When she is feeling well, and just wants to do usual fun stuff. And when she is feeling down and can't/doesn't want to talk but doesn't want to be alone. Just sitting with her and/or watching a movie/drinking tea/whatever with no pressure to explain is a godsend when you are suicidal.

You sound great btw. Your friend is lucky to have you.

Is she seeking medical help and has she told them how she is feeling? If not offer to go to the doctors with her when she speaks to them or she does not want to tell them I would ring them yourself and tell them. The website mind may have some advise. I am sure somebody else with better advice will be along soon.

whitecandles, thank you. And I absolutely see what you mean in being there for the usual fun stuff as well as when she wants to talk.

Mostly, she has been to the doctor and is having CBT (the level of my ignorance is that I had to look that up to see what it is). Which is amazing, because I have no idea how I would tackle it if that wasn't the case.

Thanks for the recommendation to look at Mind - just brought that up and it looks really useful.

I've been on mental health first aid training and they told us if you ever think someone is in immediate danger call an ambulance, just as you would with someone in physical danger.

Going into detail about planning a suicide is a big warning sign.

You should definitely seek professional advice.

Does she have a cpn (community psychiatric nurse). It would be great if she gave you permission to contact her cpn if you were worried about her.

If pills are her method you could ask that she doesn't keep any in the house. I'd also want to keep any of mine out of her reach & sight.

Does she have any close family? My little sisters flatmate at university got our contact details and called us and we are very grateful to her as we brought dsis home (she was in a suicidal state) we had bo idea, and she's now over a long period of time "better" (as better as you can be).

Jackie, I think my major worry is that while she is now getting counselling (though she still gets suicidal thoughts and has depression) and says that the planning stages where a while ago, we lived together then, and I was completely oblivious to it. Maybe now that she's told me I'll notice everything more, and so be able to look out for episodes if it gets bad again, but I'm really scared that I'll miss some massive red flags in the future.

Will talk with her again and ask about if she has a CPN - thank you.

Softly, yes, and I have their contact details already, so if I do see things I can get them.

Notsure please don't take offence but a while ago posters were on the MH threads talking about specific methods of ending their life and this was very "triggering" for some people and upset others, especially when someone posted about a method that another poster had tried in the past. MNHQ got involved and asked us what we thought and there was a lengthy period of consultation. They also contacted Samaritans for advice and the consensus was that it was ok to talk about suicidal thoughts (or wanting to end our life) but not to mention specific methods. Hope you understand.

AS for your friend I don't think you need worry too much. Suicidal thoughts and even making plans are very common in depression and mostly it's suicide ideation (in the sense that we don't want to die, we just want the torment of depression to end) She's seen a GP and I assume she is on meds and is having CBT. If a GP thinks depression is severe you will be referred to secondary care - seeing a psychiatrist and having support from the Community Mental Health Team (a CPN or social worker) but this is only usually if you have been hospitalised with MH issues.

I know people always talk about calling an ambulance and going to A & E but to be honest I don't think that's going to help in the vast majority of cases, though they might refer you to a psychiatrist, but the chances of being admitted to hospital are very slim. The most likely thing is that you are given diazepam (a tranquilliser) for anxiety, which almost always accompanies depression. I've talked to my psychiatrist about my suicidal thoughts and she hasn't really made much comment, though I have said that I didn't think I would ever go through with it.

If your friend was severely depressed in the past when she was having suicidal thoughts you would most definitely would have noticed, so I think you need to stay calm and just be there as a support to your friend.

NanaNina, not at all - thanks for letting me know, and I've asked MNHQ to edit my posts to remove those references.

Many thanks for the rest of your post too.

Ideation is common, but a plan is not. A plan needs immediate intervention.

I am worried that she has taken steps to get things in order. i have had suicidal thoughts but have been aware that they are just that. thoughts. no plans as such.

can you ask her if she has told her counsellor this? she really should if she hasn't already.

Could you talk to her about plans to keep safe? It was very important for me to know i had that in place. mental health phone line and her gp aware she needs to be given urgent appointment. There is a note on my file that i am to be given appointment on request if i state its an mh emergency.

Knowing that you are there and not judging will mean so much to your friend i can't tell you. However you MUST not take responsibility for her. She is unwell and hopefully getting treatment. Your mental health ( we all have mental health) is important.

Be her friend, be normal, don't try to chivvy her along if she is struggling. Invite her along to things as normal.Ask if she is ok and make her a cuppa. Those seemingly trivial things can really help.

I would like you as a friend x

I've had depression since I was 11 years old. I've lived with it all my life (43 now) I've felt suicidal on several occasions, however the only time that I'd made concentrated proper plans led me to running to the gp, as part of my job I'd had MH first aid training which meant that I know it was very bad. They wanted to admit me but there were no beds , so instead I had a CPN visit twice a day. I had a really shitty childhood, and now I'm having counselling which is really helping. Depression is not that typical stereotype of lyingly in bed all day, you cope with it and you do get on with your life. I have a family (husband and two children , they were what got me to the gp.) It is a chronic disease but its so not the end of the world. You can live with it, you can also do very worth wile jobs because of it. It's shit, don't get me wrong, however it does bring benefits too.

Errm so what I'm trying to say that yes its a shitty disease, however it is just that, a disease, and there are lots of ways of managing it. As a friend -perhaps just encourage her to try some of the more popular/effective treatments - as a friend, please don't try to cure her. She has to learn to manage it and come to terms with it.

OP, you sound like a great friend and this is evident by your housemate confiding in you. As other posters have mentioned, suicidal ideation is common - risk increases dramatically when actual plans are made.

You are not responsible for your housemates 'safety' moving forwards however there are a few things that might be warning signs that she isn't well...appearing quieter/ less communicative, tearfulness, poor sleep pattern, not attending to personal hygiene, poor appetite etc.

Your housemate will have been given a crisis plan and crisis telephone numbers to use. Perhaps she might share the number with you in the event you were concerned about her. If in the future you are worried that she may be at risk to herself; taking her/ encouraging her family to take her to A&E is definitely the correct thing to do. She can be properly assessed there, including an assessment of any immediate risk.