I feel like im going to blow up or break down

[SurlyCue]

Arggh. I feel under so much pressure right now and i can feel myself sinking into depression again.
I have deadlines and exams that i am really underprepared for, i overestimated how much child free time i would have and ive realised i have left it way too late to be starting and no childcare available to even get started. This wouldnt be a massive problem if the DCs were behaving but they are tearing strips off each other all day every day and i literally cannot leave the room to use the toilet without hearing screaming and fighting and them coming to tell tales. It is their easter break and ive taken them out for days out but we cant be somewhere every day and really they shouldnt need to be in order to behave. I have done so much shouting i am so sick of my own voice. My washing machine died last week an i have been back and forth to my mum's to do our laundry, ive just had to buy a new machine on a credit card which i had finally cleared the debt off and been debt free after years of paying it off. My boyfriend is trying to be understanding and give me space as he knows i am stressed but he texts throughout the day, harmless messages asking what im up to and i can either rhyme off the list of chores, laundry trips, shouting at dcs, making meals, comparing washing machines which is dull as fuck and annoys me because its the same as yesterday and the day before or i can say "nothing" which is a harsh response to an innocent question. I just feel like everyone/everything is demanding so much of my time/energy/attention and i cant give it. I feel like im going to pop. It feels so stupid saying this as ive been off on easter break so really have no reason to be stressed and should have had a nice time and get everything done but i cant manage it and the DCs have had a shit break. Im in tears writing this and ive no reason to be at all because its not a big deal so ive no idea why i cant manage what thousands of people manage all the time.

I didn't want to read this and not reply- it sounds like you have a lot to cope with, and I recognise that feeling that you're going to explode...the washing machine breaking would just about finish me off too. I'm assuming you can't get any help with childcare..have you tried beta blockers to help with that feeling of panic about not coping? They really work for me on the (frequent) days I feel like that. Please don't think that everyone else is coping and you're not- it sounds like you're doing your best in difficult circumstances!

Are beta blockers anti depressants? Im quite scared of anti depressants tbh. I just feel like i need to say "stop" to everything. I feel like i need to pause life for a few days and just regather myself, just think about nothing and do nothing other than peaceful things. But i cant because the deadline will arrive regardless and i cant pause the DCs. Im so annoyed with myself because ive worked really hard this year to get where i have on my course and i think ive blown it all for these final exams. And i dont feel like im doing my best at all im ignoring my boyfriend because if i dont i will snap at him and he doesnt deserve it. I AM snapping at the dcs because i cant ignore them, DS2 ran away on my today and hid in a shop. I feel exhausted and like i cant respond properly to naughty behaviour. I either over or under react to it. We are all stressed because of it.

They're not anti-depressants - they reduce the physical symptoms of anxiety, and for me at least they make me feel I can cope. They also start working really quickly, from the first day you take them, and are non- addictive. If you go to the GP about how you're feeling you should think about letting college/university know- you may well get some credit for all your hard work throughout the year. It's really difficult when you don't think you're being a good parent or partner - can you tell your partner how you feel?

If i speak to the GP can i tell him i want beta blockers? I dont want to be talked into antidepressants. I dont even have anyone to have the DCs so i can go to the GP. My boyfriend is very new, only a couple of months, i dont want to scare him off. He says nice things but he doesnt really understand what i have going on. Ive told him i just need some space. I dont want to be a blubbering wreck with him. We really arent serious where he is a partner.

I'm sure you could ask, and they couldn't make you take ADs if you don't want them. I think you really should go to the GP even if you have to take the children - how you're feeling sounds horrible for you. I can see how it might be difficult to tell a relatively new boyfriend how you're feeling.

I'll have a think about the GP. I dont know if i can cope with being fobbed off or talked out of/into anything which my gp can be prone to do. Ive had a long soak in the bath. Im mentally exhausted and just need some time out. Im going to get some sleep and just write tomorrow off to do some gardening with dcs. I just need some time with no pressure so i'll turn the phone off and forget about everything else. Its DCs last day off school so i just want a nice day.