feel so ugly and tired!!

[ponybark]

I'm a single parent of a 2.4yo toddler and had a really hard couple of years following a difficult time with my ex (who was emotionally abusive and has his own serious mental health issues) as well as my own protracted mental health issues, PND and trying to juggle my work on top (self employed). I have no family locally, few mates (can't do the friends thing at the moment due to social anxiety) and very little support from my ex.

I am exhausted all the time, sleep deprived (have issues getting to bed at a reasonable hour then get woken up stupidly early by DS and feel like a zombie all day) and little time to myself.

I am in a constant cycle of exhaustion, overtiredness, depression and self hatred.

My eyes have awful dark circles, my skin seems to have aged 10 years, I desperately want to do exercise but never get any time to do it.

I try so hard to eat a good diet but often fail due to a lack of time or being exhausted (it's not terrible but could be a lot better).

I want to lose a bit weight and feel good about myself but it's so hard and I feel like I have aged about 15 years in two years. I just feel rubbish about myself and do everything I can to try to feel better.

Anyone else feel like this?

Hi ponybark,

I have phases of feeling like this. It's awful. I could barely get out of bed today I felt so low. And I have three kids (but thankfully a supportive dh).

Yes I too just want to lose a little weight. Just something for myself. But despite taking up exercise, cutting out chocolate etc I haven't shifted a pound. I find it so fucking unfair.

And yes to feeling exhausted and worthless. I don't even enjoy the kids when I feel like this and I'm as sure as hell an awful wife.

But I never go to the gp because it passes fairly quickly and then I feel fine. Until the next time. It quite often happens when the kids and dh off. It's the constant noise and mess I think.

But when I'm like this it ruins the day. I haven't washed or dressed today. My hair is greasy. Dh has to deal with the kids.

Sorry to ramble on OP. I do empathise but not sure of a solution.

thanks altered; good to know I am not the only one!!

can't imagine having 3 kids (one is hard enough) so it's no surprise things are tough for you.

Congrats on doing the right stuff with the eating better and the exercise. I'm not sure how long you have been doing it but I'm sure you will see some results soon! It is hard work though and depressing when you feel you're not getting anywhere...

I agree re. the noise and mess driving me nuts too. My DS is a lovely little boy and very well behaved but at only just over two he makes soooo much mess and needs constant attention and it's very draining.

I am going to try to get to bed earlier. Easier said than done as i like my me time and can't wind down so easily in the evening!

I have done so much to try to turn my life around lately but it doesn't feel like I am making much progress which is hard. I constantly blame myself for my own "failures" as a parent and to myself (e.g. about eating, not being able to find time to exercise, etc).

I feel I used to be attractive but that has gone down the pan with having a child and the constant exhaustion and stress.

It is hard. Yes two years olds are exhausting! My older two are school age and much easier. My youngest is still a baby, which I know it part is the trigger for these depressive episodes. I love babies but they make me anxious and exhausted at times.

I also know rationally it gets easier and therefore easier to implement changes in your life. Two is still so young.

Of course I should follow this rationale myself but sometimes it all gets a bit much. If I'm particularly tired and worn down, all it takes is gaining a few pounds to trigger a really black day. And then I can't stop crying and can't face people or looking after the kids. My dh doesn't understand these feelings, though he does try to help in his logical way.

thanks altered. I have read so many places that parenting doesn't get any easier with age but a few people recently have reassured me that it does get easier when they are a bit bigger. this causes me much relief if it is true!!

I'm right with you on the babies causing anxiety; I think I am only just getting a bit less anxious following DS turning two. That said I am always on edge about if he will fall over / trap his fingers in a door etc. Then when he pours milk all over the sofa / electricals etc after a morning of chaos already I go into stress overdrive. I am no good at dealing with it.

Seems to me that some people thrive on the maternal aspects of early parenting but I find them really stressful and rarely fun. Probably because I have stress in other areas of my life too on top of being a LP.

I hope you are dealing ok with your little one. I got really bad PND after my one was born and I think it's part of my current situation still (if that's possible after 2 years!!).

I get incredibly stressed out at the lack of control I have over my life right now. I hate being so tied down and so responsible all the time. I find it really frustrating and stressful. I'm finding it hard some days to have fun at all as a parent. I feel like there must be something wrong with me for not enjoying it (could be my depression I guess). I just hope it gets more fun as he gets older.

Given you have just had a third (!!) it's no wonder you're finding it hard to feel good about yourself so try to give yourself a bit of a break. Do you get any time for yourself? I am trying to find once a week to go swimming / sauna which makes me feel much better. (the rare times I manage it!! - note to self - must try harder!!). x

It's hard to know if it's pnd or depression as I have relatively long periods of stability and contentment, then wham, I get hit with a few days of incredibly low mood. It usually lifts so I never end up going to the gp about it. So more like mood swings I suppose.

Take care and you're doing so well with your little one. It's a tough age!

Especially with everything else you've had to deal with.

maybe its the hormones going a bit mad post-birth. I'm not sure how old your baby is but my hormones didn't seem to settle down the entire time for the first couple of years

I breastfed my DS for a long time and had a bad relationship with the BF as it gave me all sorts of hormonal issues; when I stopped I felt tons better, but as I weaned slowly it was hard as your hormones change each time you drop a feed. Then when you fully wean again you get another bang of hormones to make you feel rubbish! On top of the sleep deprivation and everything else it's a recipe for feeling shit.

Arg, having a kid isn't really rainbows and joy is it although you might think it from talking to some people!!

ponybark I can relate to how you feel.

I'm not a LP, but have 2 DDs and often feel completely overwhelmed at the lack of time I get to myself. I've been in tears twice today, firstly because DD2 woke up just after I finished running my bath and secondly whilst pushing her round in the buggy for almost an hour so she would sleep and I could have half an hour to myself before picking DD1 up from nursery.

I feel like a complete failure, I look like shit with huge dark circles under my eyes and I too feel like I have aged 10 years since having DDs. I have an ok figure but have hardly any decent clothes. I am well educated and experienced yet can't get a job.

It's interesting what you say about breastfeeding - I am a hormonal mess most days and I attribute it to breastfeeding. DD2 is 12mo and wants to bf A LOT. I hate it. And I hate myself for hating it. I should love nurturing my child but instead I want to scream when she's pulling at my top constantly.

Sorry for hijacking your thread . I am glad you are feeling a little less anxious as your DS gets older, good luck with the early nights and I hope you get more sleep.

Hi fancy - many thanks for your message and no you've not hijacked the thread in the slightest!!

sorry to hear things are difficult for you as well. I can't imagine having more than one DC; some people love the baby / young child stage and have the patience of a saint but I had the opposite and felt terrible about not enjoying it!! But it's getting much better as he grows. My DS is now 2y4m and each week seems amazingly easier compared to the last (although as you have read it is by no means "easy").

How old are your DDs? If they are both really young I am guessing that you've not had a lot of time in between them and are still in that real "young child" bit. I can't imagine what that's like as just one did my head in!! I'm not sure if you're planning any more kids but once they are both 2ish plus I can imagine it should be easier as with each month the neediness reduces and you can start enjoying parenting rather than running on empty all the time.

I totally hated BF as I explained, it sounds like you have had a similar thing (I read some places that it does not affect your mood but for me it certainly did). I am not sure if you have heard of DMER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex) but I figured out I had it - basically your happy hormones drop off completely when you start each feed and gave me a real horrible pit of anxiety feeling for the first few minutes (plus nausea, couldn't eat etc). This seemed to fade as he got older but I still hated BFing even though everyone else went on about how great it is. I also hated being pawed at for feeds and chained to the bed / sofa!! (And covered in dribble / food etc)

What I would say is I waited until DS was over two to give up BF (as a LP it was my only way of ensuring naps etc which I really relied on, and I heard it was good for him to keep on doing it even though I was aching to give up!!). But I wish I had done it sooner given the difference in the way I felt afterwards in terms of my PND easing off as I think it was really linked to it. I would say if you're really unhappy doing it maybe you could fully wean and it would help you (even though it's hard to do).

Don't give yourself a hard time for hating the BF though. It's natural to find it hard!! Some women love it and others can't stand it, and you've done brilliantly for doing it this far despite feeling that way. But definitely if you think the hormones are affecting you consider weaning if you can now DD is over 12m. (And to everyone who goes on about the benefits of extended bfing - I think it's better to have a happy sane mother than an anxious despairing one!!).

A final thing about extended BF - it was only when I weaned my DS from BF that he slept through the night - which made all the difference to my sanity. It was a little pain (few crying nights) for a lot of gain!! This will make the world of difference to how you feel if your DD is not yet sleeping through the night. (PS I read a great tip the other day which really works! - to get better night time sleep rouse your little one when you go to bed - give them a hug and semi-wake them - this interrupts their sleep cycle so they are a lot less likely to wake later on in the night - genius!!).

Finally just bear in mind that it will be easier once both DDs are a bit older; you will get more sleep and feel a bit better with every month and they will be more fun and self sufficient! I get some me-breaks now and everything!

You're doing a brill job by the sounds of it. And re. not being able to find a job have you considered a bit of self employment - a few hours from home here and there? I am self employed and it makes me a saner parent!! :-)

Best of luck