Depressed husband my throw our marriage way - please help

[Blue2014]

I think my husband is depressed. I think he might have been for a while. He's unhappy in lots of aspects of his life but he swears that he loves me. But he's stopped being the husband he was, nothing that matters to me matters to him anymore. He spends a lot of time in the pub, not drinking to excess but just not with me. I'm lonely, I've told him, he says it will change and it doesn't.

I've spoken to him nicely, text him, wrote a letter, gone to stay with friends - I've tried everything I've got and things just don't seem to be changing.

He says he can't remember the last time we had fun (I can) or the last time things were good between us (I can, it wasn't that Long ago). He's told me he wants to be alone and slept in the spare room 4x jn the last month (which had never happened before in this last 11 years of our relationship) he says he's not sure we can make it work. And yet, he swears he loves me,and that he wants to continue planning our future. When I'm asleep he can look at me with such tenderness but I very rarely get that when I'm awake.

He's always had low self esteem and got stressed, there have been times when he's drank too much to cope but he's over 40 and I wouldn't say he's got a history of depression aside from this.

I'm burning out, I don't know what else to do but this has got to change because I can't stay in this life forever, he currently isn't the man I married but i cant leave because I love him with all I have and the only thing that ruins this is the depression (which he will NOT get treatment for)

Any wise words or advice, please?

Sorry - my title should clearly say "depressed husband may throw our marriage away" - I haven't slept for 2 nights

Has he sought any treatment for his depression?

Malice, I know I haven't gone into much detail but he is definitely depressed. It's hard to give too much detail because I don't want to out either myself or him but I have a lot of experience with this and I don't use the term depression lightly. I came to this board because I didn't really want relationship advice (I thought about which board to post on) but rather wanted some guidance from those who have lived with depression and know that horrible place of detaching from those you love because you've become numb to everything. I guess I hoped that someone might be able to offer some wisdom as to what a partner did for them in their darkest times that allowed them to see the depression and maybe to stop withdrawing. I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear or if I upset anyone posting here.

I really don't think there is another woman, I think he's detaching from life not just me.

And no, he hasn't sought treatment, and I'm not sure he will. He believes he should just cope

Blue2014, I can tell you my depressed left me due to depression, his feelings for me completely disappeared due to the depression. I wish I could give you good advice here but really he needs help. Try the book "Undoing Depression" it might help a bit.

Thanks Minnie, that's what I'm scared of, I've spoken to him and am currently holding onto hope That it gets better

My husband suffered severe psychotic depression on and off for about 5 years. We made it through and are now closer than ever. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I think the hardest thing is accepting that there is nothing you have done wrong, and nothing you can do to fix it. Try to get him to see a doctor and get some support. It is really hard, I know.

Lady, thank you so much - it's great to hear a story of hope

PM me any time you want. You are in a very lonely place at the moment. I think it is hard to understand how hard it is to be with someone who is depressed unless you have been there. If you can get him to get help then there will.be support for you too.

Yeah you are right I am lonely, so thank you so much