struggling to support husband through everything..

[dreamingofmynextsleep]

I am here purely because I feel so isolated in what is happening in my life right out..

I married my wonderful husband August 2014 after 5 years together.
Everything was going well, we were enjoying the spare time together and the money that came with no wedding to save for.

Suddenly, over a matter of weeks in October, he became really withdrawn, irritated, snappy and short with me. He stopped hugging or kissing me - to ask felt like an annoyance or as if I were an irritation to him. We stopped having sex as he kept pushing me away.

He had a high powered, stressful job that he was struggling with. He left this job and found that paid more, for far less hours which inevitably gave him mre time at home and to do what he wanted.
We thought this would help how he was feeling.

It came to head before christmas - he still wasnt brilliant within himself or with me... I woke in the early hours of one morning to find him sobbing beside me. He explained he had no idea what was wrong or why he felt so low.. but had felt like it for a while.

Since then, he has swung between sheer aggression - never towards me - but at inanimate objects. He stresses over minute details. He goes between telling me to leave as he will "never make me happy and that he is not the person i married" and "please dont leave me, it would break me".

He had a really horrible childhood with regards to his real father and mother - their relationship was incredibly abusive and a lot of his early memories are quite horrific. He categorically refuses to talk to anyone, not even me, about this despite me feeling that it can and does have a huge impact on his confidence and self esteem.

Unfortunately, he also refuses to "throw tablets at it" as it will "mask the problem"... but he recognises that the situation is making me terribly unhappy and for the sake of his pride, will not seek help at all.
He doesnt have a great support network with regards to his family - I am the most stable presence in his life. I have always said I would not let him down therefore.. leaving is not an option.
Every now and then I see glimpses of my carefree, laidback, social and wonderful husband and its enough to just about keep me going.... but its soooo hard.

I apologise for the essay but this is me getting a lot off my chest and reaching out for help from someone that might understand my situation and have come out of the other side?

xx

You poor thing.

Having no control and feeling as though there are no solutions is a horrific feeling. I do understand the mindset of not wanting to use medication as there is often a fear of becoming reliant as well as the reality of it being a temporary help, and not a cure.

Have you heard of NLP? It is a form of conditioning, there are some fantastic books out there which may be of great use. One cure is never a universal solution but NLP really helped a dear friend of mine with a history of abuse and neglect. She also massively changed her diet, cut out sugar and alcohol which really had a huge impact on her moods.

My husband has similar symptoms to a lesser degree but refuses to try anything different and just sticks his head in the sand. In my darker moods I can't help but feel it's selfish as he isn't the only one on affected but acknowledge depression is a horrific disease, one I don't fully understand.

I really do hope others out there have better advise for you than mine, but I'm happy listen if you need a sounding board :)

Lara

Can I ask if this is the first time (as far as you know) that your DH has felt this way......and was there any specific trigger for his nose dive (so to speak) It certainly sounds like he has a mental health problem, most likely depression/anxiety and he needs to see a GP as a matter of urgency.

I honestly think you are going to have to be assertive - he is refusing medication and any kind of therapy, and this isn't fair, not on him, nor on you. I know a lot of people don't like taking meds as they seem to see it as some kind of failure (and I suspect that this is quite common in the male of the species!) BUT he is only going to get worse and how is that going to help your situation.

Maybe he needs to know that approx. one third of all GP consultations are MH related and that 1 in 4 people will suffer a MH issue at some point in their lives. Meds won't erase the past of course but they might lift him enough to realise that he needs his traumatic past to be unearthed ......again I think men have a real problem in talking about their emotions and tend to bottle things up and then a head of steam builds up.

I suggest you sit down together and make a list of his symptoms - you might have to be a bit tough over this (tough love and all that) and then make an apt with a GP and go together and he can either hand over the list or use it as an aide memoir.

Hope your DH gets the help and support that he needs. I know the torment of mental illness and so feel massive empathy for him and anyone else suffering, but it's no use him sticking his head in the sand, and refusing to get help.