Depression, self-sabotage or just damn lazy?!

[PerpetualStudent]

I'm feeling at the end of my tether with myself and lacking in any kind of perspective, so I'm hoping you can help.

To be as brief as possible - I'm currently doing a full time PhD (living away from my uni, with a hands-off supervisor, so very self-directed), living in the middle of an on-going renovation project in mine and DP's first flat, and am 31 weeks pregnant.

For a while now (before the renovation and pregnancy, but it's got worse since) I've just struggled massively with motivation - I'll have days on end where I give up completely and don't leave my house or bed and hide from the world binge-watching online telly.

I've had issues with depression and anxiety before, but it 'felt' very different - hyper-active, restricting my food, doing excess exercise, self-harming at the worst points and generally pushing myself very hard. Had counselling and CBT to help with this and until recently had counted myself quite self-aware on this front.

So I feel like I can't get a handle on what I'm experiencing now - what comes over me is a sense that I am just not able to face the demands of the day, and a desire to 'switch my brain off' and disengage from everything. A few days later I manage to pull myself together and get back on the horse - but any little upset or disruption is enough to set me off again.
For example, this week I've had a logistically (though not emotionally) difficult family funeral to help organise. This, plus getting my flu vaccine on Monday, prompted me to spent all of Mon and Tues on my sofa in my pyjamas, reading Terry Pratchett....

The thing is, when I have to be somewhere, I can nearly always organise myself. Again, for example this funeral happened yesterday, and I was able to be up, suitably dressed and at the church in good time, greeting people, setting up the wake etc, etc. So, to be honest, I'm questioning if this is any kind of mental wellbeing issue or just damn laziness.

Does anyone have any insight? And - no matter what the cause, any tips to help get out of this crappy cycle?
Exercise, meditation, regular routine all help sporadically, but nothing seems to break the cycle properly....

I don't have much to say apart from the observation that you have a lot on your plate.

I think we all have only limited amount of patience and self motivation.
You probably used up both and have none left.
In 7 weeks time your world will be turned upside down with new baby.
Can you plan so that you can slow down what you've been doing?
Having hands off supervisor must be very, very hard. Can you put Phd on the back burner for now?

How much of your renovation is left and how much of it can be actually done by the time your baby is born?

It looks like the funeral you helped to organise was of a close person so there must have been emotional involvement as well. Getting over that loss will take some energy as well.

I can relate to this, and yes diet and exercise can help. BUT, you are in the third trimester and it affects us all differently. It can be exhausting without phd and a house project! Go easy on yourself and save your energy for when baby comes.

I do totally get how it can feel like you're thrown off balance by any little upset though. I can frequently feel like this but my routine can often be thrown off balance (take this week for example, see my thread) and I am knocked out and feeling like I will never be employed again! I wouldn't employ me right now! Lots of counselling coming up for me though, so hoping to get to grips with this too.

for baby though, that's so exciting and I'd just nest if I were you!