Conflict avoidance - how to deal with it?

[ninilegsintheair]

I have always had an inability to deal with conflict - emotionally abused by my parents in my youth where I would simply be shouted at for all sorts of reasons. This has left me terrified of confrontation to the point where if someone shouts at me I lose the ability to speak and instead get a 'roaring' sensation in my ears that partially blocks out what is being said.

I've going through a very stressful period in my life - marriage to a bully has broken down and we're doing mediation where I'm having to fight my corner and finding it difficult, plus I have a new boss who appears to also be a bully and is currently using every opportunity to belittle me and suggest both to me and others that I'm a shirker, when I know I'm not. I frequently find myself going home in tears and its affecting my home life.
I'm starting to make noises about sticking up for myself at work and I know it will come to a head soon.

It's reached the point (especially at work) where I know I need to tackle these problems head on yet I'm finding myself paralysed with fear at the thought of it. I'm terrified and the thought of it makes me feel sick but I also know how pathetic it sounds (and probably looks) to someone 'normal'.

Is there anything I can do to beat this?

It doesn't sounds pathetic at all, most "normal" people don't like conflict either. Is counselling an option for you? It would be really helpful if a therapist can help you build your self esteem and teach you how to be assertive.

I've had counselling in the past and am about to start a course with a new counsellor through work. It didn't really help in the past though.

Try to go into it with an open mind. You have to "click" with your counsellor, maybe the previous one just wasn't right for you.

My heart goes out to you as I too had bullying parents and was bullied at school by a teacher, her mere presence terrified me. Years later I would be immobilised with fear if colleagues at work, particularly women, pulled me up on something. What worked for me is the "fake it til you make it" rule. You literally tell yourself that you're a calm and capable woman who knows how to speak up for herself. Seeing yourself as a victim of bullying has been hardwired in you, instead of fearing this and being angered, see it as character building and know that you're a surviver. Change the labels you give yourself and be your own best friend. look up louise hay and Wayne dyer on YouTube, they show how to change the way you think and learn to hold your head up high and be the confident person you deserve to be. Take it from me, a former bullying victim who nearly apologise for existing.