Feel like the depression is taking over.

[arieschicke]

I've been on prozac for abt 4 years now. The problem is I really struggle to get to the surgery to hand in the repeat form and then have to go back 2 days later to collect so when I'm going through a bad spell I often end up without meds.
I have a lot going on in life - children with sn, just been served a section 21 to leave our house. We have viewings most days and I find this too much to cope with. I find it difficult to keep on top of the house and looking after the kids. I struggle every day although try not to let them see. I sometimes have to get up at 5 to organise uniform, washing etc as can't face it the evening before. I bath the kids 4 times a week but can't find the time or motivation to bath myself - sometimes for over a week. I want to but just can't.

today things just became too much. I suddenly realised that my dcs would be ok without me - they could be adopted and have a stable life. before every time I considered ending it all I couldn't consider due to dcs being left alone.
But the more I think about this the more it makes sense. I could just take them to school one day as normal, kiss them good bye and they wouldn't be any the wiser. In the long term they would be better off.
I have been trying to save money for moving but keep blowing money on clothes that the kids don't even need - spent 300 online last night at 3 am. I can't manage having to leave the house or have people in here.
Not sure why I am posting tbh. just feel like I can't cope any more and things will only get worse if I carry on living.

I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling. You say you've been on Prozac for 4 years now. It doesn't sound like it's working very well. Do you think seeing your gp for a change in medication might be a good idea?

op, I'm really sorry you are feeling like this..these are ways I think you could get help.

1. phone up your chemist and get them to collect your prescription from the doctors and deliver it to your house..explain to them you are going days without your meds and its having a bad effect.

1. ask the doctor if they know of a local surestart centre, I think its called that, its for families who need a little bit of extra help when times are tough.

1. do you have any good friends or family who could try to help you organise the above? I know when you feel as you do taking on the slightest bit of extra organising seems impossible.

4.please dont do anything rash, try to understand its your illness making you feel this way and there is help with it if you can speak to your doctor.

the centre in no.2 may be called Homestart..sometimes there are posters for it on the doctors surgery noticeboard.

(((HUGS))) Please, please don't just drop your dc off one day and not come back. They will be scarred psychologically for the rest of their lives. You might feel they are better off without you but that really isn't true. How old are they? You obviously need help here, are there friends or family who can share the load with you? Where are the dc's dad? Please go back to your doctor and tell him/her that you aren't coping. Your medication may need tweaking and counselling could also help. I'm not in the UK so I don't know how the system works but maybe if you are really desperate and there is no support system, dc could go into temporary foster care while you sort yourself out? I see that as an absolutely last resort though.

I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I've been on and off antidepressants since the age of 19, I know all of those feelings you mention too well. I am currently suffering with depression again.
I too have had that problem of going without meds because I don't get back to the doctors. The main reason I don't is the lack of motivation to get there. Some days I don't want to see or speak to anyone. Same with you? You need to make an appointment with your gp to review how you are doing. Get a repeat prescription sorted to be delivered to a pharmacy that's easy for you to get to, perhaps one near to dc school or your local supermarket so you can pick it up as you shop. I've been told that missing meds can result in days of real lows. Please try to do that.
The spending too, without thinking, I've done that too. I have days where a sort of drift through the day without thinking properly.
Like you I have a child with special needs and some days can be exhausting, in general most days I barely sit down! You are taking care of your children brilliantly and your children need you.
You can and will get past the feelings you have of harming yourself.
Who do you have for support? If you don't feel able to talk to family, is there a local Mind office near to you? The Samaritans are a phone call away if you need to talk.