feeling very stressed when dealing with criticism

[crimsonh]

NC's for this.
(long post as trying not to drip feed)
I am also not sure if this is the best board to put this discussion....

Is anyone else very emotional when dealing with criticism?
What are your strategies to cope with it? Is almost as if I was running my life always on 99% of allowance and very small changes to my mood can throw me out of my (usually) happy self

There was an incident with someone at work yesterday (he works in a different office location but is in the same functional team) who slagged me off online in one of team's discussions. He was wrong doing that. I knew that from the moment I read his comments.

I complained, he got told off by his manager (I may decide to take it further to the HR as he was out of control). My manager supports me and we are going to have chat tomorrow (however I know my manager plays his cards close to his chest. I complained about this individual in the past and was brushed off as lacking substance in my reasoning)

I need to be asleep by 10 pm the latest to get my 6 hour sleep so I can do my commute and be awake to do my job well. I couldn't fall asleep last night, had maybe 2 hours of sleep in total. I was going in my head through various scenarios on how to react to this incident. Whether I should just shrug it off or make big fuss. This guy is moving to a different team in the next 8-10 weeks but meanwhile we have to maintain some minimal working relationship. He picked up on me and I feel I can't just leave it like that.

Luckily I can work from home sometimes so I had to apologise and do just that - it would be unsafe for me to drive on so little sleep.

Today I eat lots of sugary stuff and feel groggy due to the lack of sleep.
I am going to go for a longish walk with my dog with the hope that I can go to sleep my usual time.

I am finding it extremely hard to cope with criticism, if it is written even more so.
I have been able to get lately good night sleep and wake up refreshed and happy and just know that this incident puts me back and logically I shouldn't be like that but can't get hold of any scenario in my head to hold off falling into the same. I worked hard o get to that point - several weeks of short mediations (Headspace app) and going to bed v.early on most days to maintain my sleep rhythm

I am finding it extremely hard to snap out of negative thinking in such scenarios when I am closely involved and judged and even trying to meditate didn't put my mind at rest. I kept playing a stuit game on the phone and thinking. I guess this didn't help.

I work FT, commute 2.5 hours a day by car, am a LP (split with my ex 5 years ago and we are on good terms) but have a BF who is a nice and very helpful guy. Kids are doing well at school so not too many worries here however AS exams are coming and tension is building up (my dd), my ds is in y10. But nothing out of ordinary.

Work o ver all is only as stressful as I make it stressful (if you know what I mean) , fairly secure and interesting job. If I had to change it I can - I live in SE and there are jobs around for someone with my level of experience.
I went through soul searching few weeks ago weighing pros and cons of perhaps looking elsewhere but decided to stay put . Well yesterday I also looked at some of them to see if they are still available....
Maybe my mind is too restless (it is I admit) and I just don't control it well and need to spend more time meditating.

I use a really good technique called the Lightning Process which is about neuroplasticity (rewiring the brain!) using NLP and a kind of form of self hypnotherapy. There's a really good book on Amazon called "Get the life you love now" by Phil Parker (no I promise I am not being paid to do or promote this!!!!). I have found it life changing.

It uses the premise that you must recognise every time your emotions are not serving you well, and interrupt that to change it to a feeling you want to have instead. This is done by using a series of quick physical steps and self talk. Sounds complex but isn't - once you have the hang of it. This actually changes the neural pathways in your brain and helps you change each negative emotion to a positive one whereby you feel empowered.

Basically the brain develops neural pathways every time you respond to something, and these become stronger each time you do the same thing. E.g. if you become upset when you think someone has insulted you, next time this neural connection is stronger and you will be quicker to do the same thing as it becomes habitual and literally rewired to take you to a positive mindstate instead.

You can use it for any negative emotion you might be feeling e.g. stress, being judgemental, angry, upset, uninspired, anxious, even tiredness...

Well worth checking out and if you put in a bit of time to learn it and actually put it into practise - (this short process of about 20 seconds must be done ongoing, every time you feel a negative mind state, although you need to do it less and less with time as you rewire your brain).

I know it sounds a bit far out but it is well worth a try for if you feel easily criticised and sensitive. I felt a bit cheesy doing the process at first but you do it in private and once you're used to it it becomes second nature.

All sounds a bit out there but well worth a read and a proper go.

Another useful thing is to recognise that emotions are just that - emotions - and try to change your focus to something you enjoy, whenever you notice yourself getting annoyed. Probably easier said than done, but focusing on things intensifies them and makes them worse (or better, according to what you're focussing on!).

Finally it doesn't sound as though your current life / work balance is a bit hardcore with that long commute - is it really worth it? Maybe you could change it a bit to lower your stress levels, if that's an option. If you were truly happy in your job you might not have these issues as you would feel more secure about it.

Hope this helps! (Also not meant to patronise at all, sorry if it comes across that way in any way). If it's any help am a LP myself and find it highly challenging but it's definitely a learning process and refocussing my priorities has helped - along with more "me" time. Hard as that is to get!!

Best of luck x

missabc123 - thank you very, very much for your long post and your comments, nothing you wrote is patronising in the slightest!

I bought that book you've recommended for my Kindle and started reading it.

Sadly commuting in London is that long - I drive at the moment and mornings are a bliss albeit very early start

afternoons - less so, but if I was stuck on a public transport I am not sure if I felt better for it

I am looking into finding a job which is 100% home based but need to find one one the right level for me, most of them are more junior (and paid accordingly). I guess it is a matter of time for me to move jobs and at this moment I am still learning a lot which is what keeps my mind occupied.

It is true that I don't feel very happy in this job (unfortunately little scope for promotion) but I am liked otherwise and many people from various offices know me and recognise my input. Walking away from relationships I built with many people would be sad and my company over all is great place to work. For someone who would be in their main offices - a lot of scope for progress and professional development but not in UK

Glad it was useful; I hope you the book helps. If you decide to use the lightning process, make sure you do it regularly and immediately every time you need to as this is what makes it effective. :-). The brain is a powerful thing.

Added to the above though it's really important that you try and think what will really make you happy, and not just "comfortable" as that can be a bit of a trap. I can see why you might not be keen to move away from it, especially if you have built up relationships with people. Sometimes we outgrow situations long before we leave them and it's only when you move on you realise how unhappy you were (done that in many a comfortable job myself!!). That said maybe there's a way you could move sideways in your role, or take on a new challenge or initiate a project for them - think big and out of the box. (I am sure you do this already if you're successful in your role!!).

What do you really want to do (if say money or time or other considerations were not an issue?). Thinking about what you want, in really open, grand ways, e.g. idealist perspective, can open you up a lot to new possibilities or ways of living, even if at first they seem impossible, as at least it gets you thinking of what's important to you.

Have you ever considered going freelance? For many people it seems like a big gamble, but you might be able to retain your contacts with your current company on a freelance basis, and build up from there. Also you could probably get paid a lot more as a consultant in whatever you do so even if you are doing less hours you will be paid the same (result!). Although people think there is less job security in it, I found when I went freelance in my career I got tons more work, tons more interesting opportunities, and a lot more flexibiility (and no longer had to tolerate working with people I couldn't abide which is great!! Some people just aren't meant to be involved in office politics - never ever miss this any more!!). And it's rare that I get problems with not having enough work (never!). You'll also build up other skills that will make you even more employable if you decided to go down a permanent job route again because you'll have worked with more people, and have more new skills.

Anyway - enough waffling from me!!! Best of luck with changing things for the better!!

I'm half way through "Get the life you love now" by Phil Parker.
I am so thankful for asking here for help and that missabc123 happened to read my post.

It would be better to have it in paperback (I bought it on Kindle last week) , in fat I am probably going to order it in a min anyway.

I think it helps that I do believe in rewiring of our brain by practicing certain movements or steps.
I shall carry on reading and practising it.

so glad you found it helpful crimsonh! be good to know how you get on with it...update back sometime. :)

That book looks really good.
I'm awful at criticism and don't think very much of myself so it reinforces my thinking

How long were you doing those exercises?
I am only at the Stop exercise and waiting for delivery of paper copy so I can easily flip between pages.

I still do it whenever I need to now, a year or so after I started. I will do it the rest of my life. It's recommended you do it every time a negative feeling / thought of any kind creeps in, although you will find yourself a lot less naturally inclined to get into negative thought patterns the more you use it, so it's likely you'll be needing to do it less and less with time. But everyone has a bad day every so often, or someone says something that gets us angry so it's those times you should do it.

I did a course (I bought the book as a back up and reminder) and the lady told us to do it 20 - 30 times a day for the first month (as that's how long it takes to form a habit) whenever we need to. E.g. a thought of "fear" might kick in then you do it 5 or 6 or even 10 times (whatever you feel is appropriate - you might do it more for stronger emotions and less for lesser ones - e.g. 1 or 2 times), and repeated through the day for other negative thoughts.

As time goes on you only do it when thoughts creep in and you can do it a fair bit less than in the first month as your brain makes the new connections. (That said I don't think you need a reason to do it e.g. you can do it without a negative thought too but just to improve your general mindstate - you will understand when you read the book). I can't remember exactly what the book recommends on the first month.

It seems quite complex at first but once you have done it a good 30 times in practice you will find you remember it without thinking and can do it in about 20 seconds. If I'm in public I do the one on my fingers (book explains) or you can rush to a toilet cubicle and do it in there if you want!

The difference between doing the steps and speaking out loud (when you can) and doing it in your head is quite considerable so the more you can actually say the words and do the movements the more powerful it is; that said if you are somewhere you can't speak then do a mental version as that will have a similar effect.

One thing I should point out is that sometimes I will do it and don't feel immediately better but the subconscious mind is taking in what you have said and you might feel better in an hour, a couple of hours or even the next morning - then you might not care about something that highly bothered you the day before. Often the results are instantaneous. But it always seems to get through, sometimes quickly and sometimes a bit longer... on days I felt really depressed the next day I did it and I would wake up feeling bright and happy.

The sleepy version is great by the way - you do it before you go to bed a few times in a really sleepy voice to help you sleep. Also if I am ill or run down - I use it and say the stuff to make me feel healthy / give energy and so on - which seems to help me bounce back from illness or tiredness a lot quicker.

Anyway...put the work in and you will see the results! At least I did. I hope it works for you.

Thanks, that's very helpful.
What was the course you did?

i did the Lightning Process course (a lady local to me runs one but I think other practitioners run it elsewhere) as I had mental health issues and had heard it could help (this was before the book came out) - three of my friends had done the course for CFS / ME and physical health problems and they had amazing results from it (e.g. going from almost zombie to normal within a few days) - I had read some sceptics stuff online but I personally saw the difference in my friends and was so amazed I decided to try it as I didn't know what else to do. On the course they do more stuff going into the mechanics of how it works and so on. They also do some more stuff like induction / hypnosis (it's generally more for physically ill people) but the book explains how to do some of the next level stuff yourself. (It's not cheap - if the book had been out at the time I would just have read it instead!).

That said I think Phil Parker runs seminars that might give you some of the Process tools - maybe this one - www.philparker.org/courses/nlp-training-core-skills/ - that might be a reduced version of the full Lightning process course, but I am not sure on that - might be worth looking into. It's not as expensive as the full Lightning Process but I am not sure if it goes into the LP or not (might be worth checking if you're interested).

He did do a seminar based on the book but I can't see it running at the moment so maybe it changed to that one or stopped.

oh and - one more word of advice - the time you least want to do it (e.g when you're in the midst of anger or feeling low etc), I often think that I can't be bothered to do it - those are usually the times you most need to do it...!

I checked courses and prices are from 690 by one of his instructors to those run by Parker for nearly 2K. They are 3 day courses.
Each has 3 hours of telephone 1-2-1 folow up, CD and course material etc.
I guess you done one of those courses.

yeah mine was 650 (!!) which is a lot of money but it's usually for seriously ill / health based issues and unless you've got full on other issues probably not necessary. I didn't get 3 hours of followup just a quick call.

I think the course I linked to above is under £100 and I suspect runs through the basic LP for the more anxiety based issues so is probably a lot more appropriate than a 3 day course for people with health issues.

The book has the whole method in there so I don't think you'll need to do a course if you have it and learn it from there anyway.

I already used the "Stop" step several times last few days. It alowed me not to get drawn into overemotional analysis of situation and keeping my head cool.
I asked for one day working from home. It may take few weeks for them to decide but I hope they do and this will alow me to have 20% less driving/commuting

I asked for place for one free intro course www.philparker.org/courses/lightning-process-free-introductory-talk-4/

All those skills are completely new to me and you are right, it will take long time to learn new skill. I think I am in the right space mentally to do it.

great! glad it's working ok.

just be aware that a lot of people at the free intro talk will be likely to have healthbased issues such as ME / CFS and they might try to talk you into the 3 day course which I'm not sure is necessary. Also I doubt they will run through the actual process - it will probably be some of the science behind why it works but not the steps. As it's predominantly for health based issues I think they have to be careful to keep the process itself concealed until the actual course to ensure people do it right and not make themselves worse (particularly if they have ME etc). There will be slight differences for the health based issues compared to the anxiety / stress etc.

I have a hunch the other course will run through the actual process and be more appropriate for generalised anxiety / stress so are more likely to demonstrate the procedure.

That's just my thoughts! It might be worth you checking with them.

On another note once you've learned all the steps in the book it's a matter of applying them together so I don't think it will take a long time to learn; maybe a week to get it all together and then just practice for a bit every day.

That's my thoughts anyway!

Thanks! My book arrived today and I am planning to read it and try to learn from exercises.
After digestingit's content I may be able to decide about those courses.