I'm so utterly fed up and have no idea how to help myself anymore.
Whenever something goes wrong in my life, no matter how small, it always feels like the end of the world to me. It's been like this for as long as I can remember. My dad used to yell at me for it and so I always thought it was me being stupid or just extra teenage angst, but I always felt really it was something beyond what everyone else seemed to be dealing with. Now I'm nearly 26 and I'm still the same.
For example, I'm very overweight at the moment due to comfort eating when I feel like the whole world is falling apart, which is quite often. I've been really focusing on trying to shift it now that DS is 6 months, and lost 2.5lbs last week through healthy choices and what little exercise i can physically do. But since Thursday the scale has stayed the same. So now I feel like I'll be stuck being fat forever and there's no point in existing anymore. That as a result of my never ending disgustingness DH will inevitably leave me. That by being like this I am letting DS down. I'm sat on the sofa on the verge of tears trying to act normal for him (even though he's only little).
When I was a teenager I had an restrictive eating disorder which I now think was me attempting to control these feelings, to control myself. I tried to get help for it but no one would help and so, as my weight was dropping dangerously low, I started compulsively overeating instead. My weight has been steadily going up ever since.
Once I come out of my "end of the world" moods, however, I truly am fine. Mostly even genuinely happy! I can go from loving my life to thinking I'm the worst person that's ever existed in the space of seconds if someone says the wrong thing or I get a piece of minor bad news.
A few years ago I went to my GP to try and get help with these feelings. He gave me a diagnosis of cyclothymia on the spot. He prescribed me citalopram which I was on for about half a year. I was steadily getting worse, he upped the dose, I kept getting worse, so I just stopped taking it.
See now, I'm starting to come out of this mornings low mood as its taken me so long to type this, and when I read it back I just think I sound ridiculous and I need to get a grip. But when these "disaster" low moods take me nothing feels more real, I genuinely am seized with the sense that I do nothing but fuck everything up, that I am utterly worthless, that everyone I love would be better off without me. But once they lift I'm ok again for a while.
I don't know what to do. I need help, I think. I'm fed up of trying to fix myself and I just want someone to come and take it away. What if it can't be fixed, though? What if its just my shitty personality and I'm just over dramatic like my dad always thought?
I have no idea where to even start. Well done for getting this far and thanks if you have, sorry its so long!