I just feel cut off from life

[MedicalQuestion]

Recently I lost my mother from whom I was estranged due to sexual abuse by my father. I am also grieving the loss of another person close to me. So perhaps my judgement is coloured by grief but I have felt for many years that I just can't join in fully with life. Over the years, my history of abuse (I had a diagnosis of PTSD) has made it hard for me to keep friends, again, maybe that's just my perception and I would have outgrown those friendships anyway. I have had over a decade of counselling which helped me, to some extent, to come to terms with the past, I feel that counselling is finished, I know how it works inside out now. I feel very "different" because of what I've been through and feel this sets me apart from others, I also still get very anxious about others not accepting me fully or not understanding me etc. which makes friendships hard as I'm always agonizing over this after being with people.

I have had an interesting career; I have children (though not a partner - which is something I do not want or miss) and I do have friends, a couple of close ones who live far away and some more superficial ones who obviously do care as they make me lunch on my birthday etc.

Nearing 40 I just feel that so much of my life has been taken up with grief - grieving a lost childhood, grieving the loss of a baby I lost during the abuse, grieving failure of court proceedings, grieving losses of friendships, job opportunities and disruptions to life due to PTSD. I am through the worst of the healing process now, I rarely have flashbacks, don't self-harm etc. but I just cannot seem to feel connected to life.

People tend to come up with very practical suggestions, like: join a club, try a different job, etc. - believe me I DO all these things, it's the internal feeling that doesn't change. Why not and what can I do? Feeling really quite desperate about it at the moment.

Has anyone else felt this terrible disconnection from life for several years and yet got over it?

Yes, I have felt this for several years now.

I had therapy in order to feel OK about who I am inside. I feel much better but I have a long way to go.
I am also estranged but from my whole family.

When you say disconnected do you mean you feel like you are in a bubble and time is just passing? Or something else?

Sorry to hear Sole, I am also estranged from my whole family.

MrsEvadne I feel I can never fully participate, like I am from another country.

Ok, you see I sometimes felt like I was in a dream or bubble. Can't really explain. I used mindfulness and stopping to find little things to help me feel engaged. I also picked my things that were important to me. So actually I don't want to do group activities. I want to take photographs and walks. I have anxiety and PTSD. I worried about my interactions with others and about how I was/had been perceived. This has stopped as much and I only occasionally get it now. Since I decided what I enjoy and stopped trying to do things that werent right for me just because I felt I should.

This is probably of no help. Sorry!!!

No, it is a bit of help Mrs thanks. I used to have severe depersonalisation which was more the "bubble" feeling you describe, thankfully I no longer have that. I think there is a lot of truth in making active choices and I am trying to do that actually ...

Glad it was a bit helpful. It's hard to change long ingrained behaviours and feelings and you sound like you've come really far, which is a great achievement.

I have my own serious mental health conditions giving me a real bubble feeling for over ten years as I was unable to open up about them. I'm not completely out of it yet, but have recently made huge progress to getting it sorted and am feeling much better and less "bubble" like as you put it.

I know what you mean about people saying "change your job" etc but I think changes have to be big big big and life changing, if you want real change in your mind you have to mirror that with other huge changes in your life, somehow it convinces your brain that you are a different person (which you are!) or at least you are going through physical processes of change, such as (I have found the following helpful and sorry if they go on a bit):

1. declutter everything and anything from your life that is no longer serving you well e.g. seriously remove clutter from your home, from top to bottom, your social life / friends if you feel you have outgrown them (this will leave room in your life for new ones!), stop your commitments that you no longer enjoy. Physically clean your house in a full on way from top to bottom and redecorate or change it up - move things about. This convinces the brain change is coming! Sorry I'm going to possibly annoy people here but I'm a bit of a feng shui afficionado, if you don't think that's all hocus pocus it's worth checking out, I found that really helped me. ("Clear your Clutter with Feng Shui" and "Creating Sacred Space with Feng Shui" both by an author called Karen Kingston, really helped me and may be of interest even if you're not into eastern philosophy!). How the physical mirrors the internal is surprising.

2. highest levels of self care possible - e.g. if you are tired, take a break. make yourself feel great and worthy - e.g. new clothes, change your skincare routine, haircut, regular gym, even change your diet (e.g. I have gone vegan recently) if you are so inclined. These do not have to come all at once but working on one small thing at a time really helps. But it must not be a chore to do it, do only things that make you really feel good, and make them a habit where possible. (I know others have probably suggested this before and I am going over old ground but feeling good in yourself is so important).

3. learn as much as you can about the brain and how it works on an emotional and neural level, e.g. getting stuck in a certain way of thinking is due to the neural pathways becoming stronger and stronger each time you exercise the same thought processes, be these positive or negative. Learn ways of breaking these neural processes (for that's all they are). This can be life changing. (Check out a book called "Get the Life you love" by Phil Parker for info on how to break these processes - I recommended it to someone on here earlier and don't worry I am not paid to promote it, it's just that it really changed my life for the better).

4. Think deeply and big about what you really want to do with your life if money / time / commitments were not an issue - this may help your brain focus on ways of improving and getting more of what you want...Focussing solely on what you do want, rather than on what you don't, as much as possible.

5. Meditation - sounds corny if you're not that way inclined, but I always thought that way and have recently started it and found the "bubble" feeling really lifting. Just a few minutes a day of deep peace changes your brain wave patterns, and allows the mental filing cabinets to be cleaned out! It can also be helpful to focus on grounding activities etc.

6. If you've not already done so, get all your vitamin levels checked - no harm in this, I was suffering a huge vitamin D deficiency due to breastfeeding / being veggie etc, and taking a supplement changed my anxiety levels no end. Apparently most people in the UK are vitamin D deficient and it made a huge difference to the way I felt.

7. being kind and compassionate to yourself at all times, and talking to others when you need to.

8. being open to new ways of thinking about problems - addressing any hurt on a deep level, sometimes counselling isn't right to do this, but something like meditation, or alternative therapies can help a lot.

I say all this as I was a real skeptic but found that traditional stuff didn't work with me - as I opened my mind to new ways of approaching it things have really been life changing for me. You might not feel the same way about alternative methods, but some of them e.g. the neural pathways stuff is actual science and very enlightening when you know how to use it properly to your advantage.

I'm sorry if the above seems patronising or even a repeat of what you said others have said (and not been helpful); I didn't mean it in the same way. I am just sharing what has worked with me and helped me to feel much less cut off. I'm still very much in the healing process but I feel like doing the above has given me a kind of "rebirth" as corny and odd as that might sound. Almost like a new start.

Best of luck with sorting your issues out. Xx

Thanks Miss I can tick a fair few of those off already and I should go back to meditation too! Thanks and glad your life is going better for you x