Hello
I have a long history of mental illness. I'm diagnosed with PTSD and avoidant and dependent personality disorders. I've recently name-changed, but I've posted here and elsewhere about it before. I was discharged and was very stable for a year - eighteen months, and had a baby in December. I struggled very much in the first six weeks, but things have brightened up more recently. But I'm now extremely depressed. I haven't been typically depressed for so long that it has hit me like a slap in the face, and I don't know what to do practically to make myself feel better.
I'm concerned that I can't take care of my son; I just don't have the energy, and when he cries I can't bear it.
I was re-referred to the CMHRS so I do now have a CPN who I speak to most weeks, but he doesn't think I need further therapy or my meds increased. He thinks that I'm anxious due to financial difficulties (I am, but I accept there's nothing I can do about them. I need to pull myself out of this gloom though), so I'm not sure how much help he is going to offer me.
Things that have changed in the past two weeks which may have affected my mood: I had an implant fitted and I started full-time breastfeeding again after six-eight weeks of bottle feeding.
What the hell do I do to feel better? I'm exhausted. I'm also nervous of being vocal about my concerns that I'm not looking after my baby well enough, because when I was re-referred it was because I was having hallucinations that my baby was having malicious thoughts about me (I was very unwell. I accept this was complete nonsense!) and I was frequently asked whether I thought I was a risk to him. I would never dream of harming him; I love him and I feel that I am at fault, rather than him. It's just that I'm exhausted and so sad, and I don't see the point in anything anymore.
My DH has been off work this week but goes back tomorrow, then my mother will arrive tomorrow night for a week, but I'm scared about getting through tomorrow on my own. I don't have any money so can't go out.
Meh!