Suicidal thoughts

[NoEntryIntoTheMind]

Right, I have to admit I'm really struggling with suicidal thoughts.

It started a few weeks ago, when I discovered I was unexpectedly pregnant. I really struggled with the pregnancy and began to get thoughts of suicide. I also began self harming, unbeknown to DH. DH could tell something was wrong and I told him I wanted to end the pregnancy.

I did go on to have a termination a couple of weeks ago. I thought that this would stop the thoughts, but they're worse now. Plus I feel huge amounts of guilt over the baby.

I can't tell anyone as our family is closely linked to medical professionals anyway and I can't jeopardise the care package we currently have and that I have fought for. If the medics knew they would withdraw the package and I can't risk that.

Equally I don't know how to make these feelings stop. I already know I am a truly awful and terrible person. Most people whom have been in my life normally feel the same way about me eventually.

How do I stop myself acting on these thoughts? They all consuming at the minute and I'm struggling to stay afloat.

Be kind to yourself you only had a termination 2 weeks ago, that is a massive amount to deal with. In time the thoughts will reduce, it is raw now but it will get better, please give it time and talk to your DH about how you feel. You are not a terrible person x

Thank you heatseeker, for being kind when I don't deserve it.

I just need to control myself better, as I'm afraid during low points I will listen to these thoughts.

I need to get out of my own head - if only it was that easy.

Oh I am sorry; I can relate to all you're saying except I continued with the pregnancy and wish that I hadnt, as now I can't even kill myself. I don't know if I would but i hate the fact I don't have the option.

You do deserve kindness though, we all do x

I have children too sunshine. It's the only thing stopping me acting on these thoughts so far.

It was so different to previous pregnancies I just don't understand why.

I'm so tired if everything. Honestly my kids would probably be better off without me. I'm scared that by living I'll ruin their lives too.

I have that fear too but you know it's okay to feel auicidal. People often say 'oh no think of the children' -
Well I do! That is why I am here and not dead. But I reserve the right to feel like I want to die and I do.

Yes I really feel that way too. I am hoping that my children still would be ok if I didn't die though - maybe they could have a better life without me?

I hadn't self harmed or had suicidal thoughts before. It's a bit all consuming right now.

No they wouldn't - sorry, I want to set you free but even a suicidal mum is better than no mum. You are their mum and I know you love them and they you.